Tag Archives: north dakota legislature

All North Dakotans Now Required To Take An Annual Mental Examination

After being mentally evaluated, every North Dakotan will be ranked as either Green, Yellow, or Red

Green=Fine Yellow=OK Red=Bad

Bismarck, ND – With much of the national discussion being focused on mental health, North Dakota will proactively soon begin annually checking the mental health of each and every one of its citizens.

A new task force called MIND (Mentally Interrogating North Dakota) will do a thorough evaluation of all North Dakotans on their half birthdays.

Based on the official results of their mental examination, every person in North Dakota, over the age of nine (9) will be given one of three possible rankings:

Green Light: You are fine. No major mental problems were detected. See you again in one year, on your next half birthday. (For example: If your birthday is on April 15th, your mandatory mental exams will be every October 15th.)

Yellow Light: Some concerns were detected based on your responses to questions selected especially for you. You will need to be put on a MIND Watch List and retested monthly, until you are hopefully upgraded to a Green Light.

Red Light: A likely problematical situation was detected. You will be held for further testing to determine the magnitude of the problem. For your convenience, padded shuttle buses heading to Jamestown will be standing by.

North Dakota First State To Make Church Attendance Mandatory

Sunday church attendance is now mandatory in North Dakota just like Obamacare made buying health insurance mandatory.

Bismarck, ND – The North Dakota legislature has now made attending church on Sunday required by law.

The bill which passed unanimously will also give a 10% tithe from each church’s offering plates to the state as a thank you kickback for requiring every North Dakota citizen to attend church each and every week.

“We believe this is what the people who sent us here want, and also what God wanted when she said ‘Thou shalt attend church on Sunday’ in that famous speech on the mountain,” says Lester Walstrum from Zap, who co-sponsored the landmark legislation.

This new law goes into effect today so if you’re a North Dakota resident, you might want to change your plans of going fishing or having family breakfast at Denny’s until after you’ve done your due diligence and attended church and also put your voluntary mandatory offering in the offering plate, so help you God.

ND Lawmakers Vote To Cut Their Own Pay And Always Wear Jeans

North Dakota to wear jeans while making state legendary again.

Bismarck, ND – Following the new theme of reinventing government, North Dakota lawmakers have voted to cut their own pay by 15%.

“This will show the legendary people of North Dakota that we are serious about making North Dakota great again,” said a blue jeans-wearing caucus leader during an afternoon tea break.

The full legislative body also voted unanimously to make the wearing of blue jeans the new official state protocol pants when those who were elected to represent the people of North Dakota are in session to make North Dakota legendary again.

“We feel that blue jeans represent us rolling up our sleeves and trying to actually get some real work done for our constituents who are probably back home also wearing jeans in the towns and precincts that we represent,” said a senate leader who was working his lariat to rope up his caucus members for a chamber vote.

Legendary studies have also shown that people are way more productive and “just work better”, if you will, when they don’t have to wear a fracking suite and tie which are quite constrictive in more ways than one.

Yes, my friends, there is now a new feeling in Bismarck and throughout the rest of the legendary state of North Dakota that our best days are in front of us, if we all just stand arm-in-arm, singing in perfect harmony, while always wearing blue jeans…and a sweater.