Tag Archives: obama

New Starbucks Bathroom Policy Welcomes All

If you need a bathroom now, now think Starbucks!

Seattle, WA After undergoing some much needed racial sensitivity training, Starbucks Coffee has come up with a new bathroom policy for all its locations across the country.

Starbucks new Open Door bathroom policy will let anyone use any of their three bathrooms at any time.

The fine print of their new Open Door policy does have a few additional clauses worth noting:

A. You must be carrying in your hand a recently purchased Starbucks coffee with you, along with your receipt, or

B. You must either be a Starbucks employee or be close personal friends with someone who is currently working at that particular location, or

C. You have been pre-approved to do so by joining the Starbucks Bathroom Club and are currently wearing your Starbucks Bathroom Club button with its scannable barcode.

Obama Ninja Army Fighting Climate Change

Fighting climate change from BEYOND THE POLITICAL GRAVE

Pictured: a gas pump that has been damaged beyond repair. An act seemingly definitely maybe perpetrated by the Obama Night Administration, a not-for-profit band of specific ninjai. 

Chicago, IL – It is potentially alleged that in the smoldering wake of his White House tenure, former President Obama has been using covert operations to keep the cherished climate change initiative alive.

Fake News has learned that enemy gas pumps across our great heartland are maybe definitely being attacked in the night, unprobably likely by members of a secret ninja army fronted by Barack Obama.

Reports of convenience store vandalism are pretty much kinda almost sort of widespread. Charging stations are untouched, whereas gas stations are being ruthlessly damaged, it has been certainly possibly purported. We mostly do not not believe that Obama’s ever-expanding legion of stealth-mode assassins playfully named the Obama Night Administration is behind these attacks.

These reports of vandalism are made available to the people via Fake News outlets. Fake News is here to tell you what’s really possibly maybe going on.

Fake News is everywhere. It’s on mainstream media, the DarkWeb, the DeepWeb, the InterWeb, the OuterWeb, et al. Try to avoid it and you will fail. 


Obama First Family To Book A Room At Trump’s Turnberry Golf Resort

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The Donald can golf right-handed or left-handed depending on his audience.

Ayrshire, Scotland – Brockobama, along with his first wife and first daughters, are The First Family to book a room at the newly refurbished Trump Turnberry golf resort, possibly the site of the British Open in the year 2022.

The First Family will be playing around with Donald at Trump’s Scottish golf course, which is of special interest to Brockobama since he will be taking over the retiring Tiger Woods’ place on the professional golf tour, as soon as the president finishes his second term in The Oval Office.

Sir Simon Brodkin, the presumptive executive general manager of Trump Turnberry, reported that the Obama Family were indeed the first guests to officially book a luxury suite at Trump’s new “shy and modest” golf resort, which gently rests in the home country of his mother, Mary MacLeod, from Stornoway Shire, in the Outer Hebrides.

Book a suite for your family or company incentive outing at The Trump Turnberry Golf Resort and play golf where golf was invented, after which you can consume all-you-can-drink adult beverages in the prestigious Royal and Ancient Bar, where adult beverages were invented.

Obama Names NDSU Bison Our National Football Team

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Generations of Bison have and will continue to dominate the competition in and on the field.

Buffalo, NY – President Obama has graciously taken some time off his busy golf schedule to name the NDSU Bison our official national football team.

Top spokesman for the president, Scheff Fleffly spoke on strict terms of anonymity:

“Let it be known far and wide, that we hereby decree, from this day forward, that the 5-Time National Champion NDSU Bison from Fargo, South Dakota are henceforth to be named the national football team of America.”

Reaction to this major announcement was swift and mixed, and then poured into a tall chilled glass:

“Hey, I thought Fargo was in Canada, eh?” pondered Dumpster Johnstone’s stepmother.

Crest Fleckers lisped: “It’s about time, since the Bisons not only discovered America but have managed to dominate since Day One!”

LaFlex Boddington retroflexed: “Don’t we have more impotent things to worry about like Global Cooling or lowering the Maximum Wage?!”

Punky Butterworth sub-vocalized: “Well, that’s just fricking great! Now perhaps we can finally integrate outcome-based critical thinking via self-reflection on what the Bison mean to us, collectively, as a group.”

Obama Threatens To Block Senate’s Block Of Supreme Court Justice Nominee

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Washington, DC – President Obama has vowed to find a qualified candidate to nominate for Supreme Court Justice. The speculation is that that candidate will be anti-anti-liberal. This does not sit well with the Republican-controlled Senate. They have stated that they will seek to block this nomination. That does not sit well with Obama. It sits so unwell, in fact, that Obama is ready to destroy the entire universe in order to get his way.

President Obama says he’s threatening to block the Senate’s block.

“The Senate says they will block my justice nomination. Well, if they do…ah… I’ll block that block. This is not good. Everyone knows that… ah…when you type ‘Google’ into Google, you can… ah… break the internet. Similar thing going on here. This type of action causes paradoxical duality….ah…which then catosphates a rift in the space time continuum resulting in… ah…the impenetrable quickening of antimatter. So, you see… ah… you should never double do something. But if I’m forced to…ah.. execute my constitutional right of appointment that which the Senate then blocks … ah… I’ll have to block that. So, folks…ah…start wearin’ your hard hats.”

Bictor Tedhanger

Bictor Tedhanger

Many in the quantum physics community are calling this potential block-block a serious threat to the very fabric of space time.

University of Organical Physicology Professor Bictor Tedhanger fears the worst. “If the President follows through on this block-block, what he says is very much accurate: paradoxical duality followed by an impenetrable quickening. This would be incredibly damaging to our atoms. Your body and mine would spontaneously molt from the inside out in the time it takes to extract candy from a baby hand.”

It would seem that Obama will stop at nothing to nominate his coveted Justice. Will Biden be able to talk some sense into him? If our guts implode between now and the end of Obama’s term, then that answer is probably no.

Who Should Obama Nominate As Supreme Court Justice? An FM Observer Investigative Report

With the unfortunate passing of Justice Antonin Scalia, Obama is now met with another opportunity to nominate one respected, authoritative, experienced, judgmental individual to the United States Supreme Court.

Who will he pick? One can only speculate. Who should he pick? Well, how bout we throw a few names around and see what sticks:

David Petraeus


Stern with cases?

Former CIA Director, Military General, Medal of Merit recipient. The man has pedigree (alleged sex scandal notwithstanding). Maybe Obama could name him Supreme Court General.

Supreme Leader Snoke

Qualified because already supreme.

Qualified because already supreme.

With experience as a Supreme Leader, Snoke can utilize the powers of the Dark Side to restore balance to the galaxy judicial system.

Al Gore



Former VP and current climate change advocate Algore would make for a key addition. You just know Obama is going to want to push through some global cooling bills before his term is up.

Making A Murderer’s Ken Kratz

Would get kicked out of the Supreme Court faster than Steven Avery went back to jail

Would get kicked out of the Supreme Court faster than Steven Avery went back to jail.

The sneaky prosecutor from the famous Netflix docu-series Making A Murderer, Kratz is about as crooked as Hillary’s email server. Will that deter Obama from naming him Justice? Will it?

Janet Reno


Justice stands tall.

That killer instinct held at bay for over a decade, Former US Attorney General Janet Reno has been waiting quietly in the shadows since her retirement from politics in 2003. Reno will stand tall, wielding an impressively long arm of justice for years to come.

Should anyone else be considered for this prestigious nomination? Will you put your nomination suggestions in the comment section below? Only time will tell.

President Changes Names Of Rocky Mountains, Alabama, And Hawaii

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Denver, CO – After flying to Alaska to change the name of Mount McKinley to Denali (meaning “to get high”), President Obama flew to Denver to officially rename the Rocky Mountains.

By executive order, the new name shall be “The Barocky Mountains”.

The next stop during a busy travel day for the President was to Alabama, which he quickly changed to Alobama.

Finally, to cap off another day full of executive orderings, Hawaii, the home state of President Obama, will forever after be referred to as “The Birther Islands”.

Obama To Send All Republicans Into Outer Space

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Obama is urging all Republicans to get on board!

Washington, DC – With his growing unconstitutional powers, President Obama is planning on executing another of his executive memos.

This time he is plotting to ask all top Republican leaders to take a “tour” of a new NASA rocket.

When all are aboard, the tour will suddenly blast off into a one-way ticket to another galaxy.

NASA spokesguy Buzz Almond says: “This is actually a pretty clever way of getting rid of all the gridlock in Washington. We need the President to be unfettered by the old traditional checks and balances. Sending all the Republicans into outer-space should really help the Obamagenda.”

If we could travel at light speed, the trip to the next galaxy would take about 150 years. But, of course, the warp-drive engines are not working, so the trip will take eons.

Unfortunately, because of threatened cuts to the rate of growth for most governmental agencies, the Republican Rocket will only be stocked with enough food for about 12 days.

Upcoming presidential executive memos to watch for are: Nationalizing all public and private golf courses, becoming one large combined country with Mexico, total government control of television and the internet, and the construction of large work camps for all who dare to oppose the Democrats.

God: ObamaCare Disrupting My Plan

jesus-tearHeaven, Planet Earth—Since the 44th President of these United States invented a way for people who couldn’t afford or were denied health insurance benefits to affordably obtain health insurance benefits, the Great And Omnipotent One has taken notice. God, in all his Power and Glory, voiced his mighty concern over what He feels people are using to cheat His system:


Prior to the implementation of the Affordable Care Act, Amanda’s parents would have been denied health insurance due largely in part to Amanda contracting leukemia before her family obtained coverage. Now, under these new laws, Amanda and her parents can go to battle against a life-threatening illness and not become homeless and/or bankrupt as a result.

One Millionth ObamaCare Signee To Receive Free Healthcare For Life

YOU might be our one millionth customer!

YOU might be our one millionth customer!

Washington, DC—In an effort to bolster support for his controversial new healthcare system, President Obama announced today that the 1,000,000th Affordable Care Act registrar will be awarded free healthcare for life.

“Unlimited doctor visits, a lifetime of x-rays, more prescription pills than your kidneys and liver can handle. They’ll fill you so full of chemotherapy, it’ll be coming out your eye-holes!” Obama proclaimed during a late-afternoon White House presser.

“The Affordable Care Act is meant to provide low-cost health insurance to many, but our one millionth customer will enjoy free MRIs, CATs, PAPs and EKGs for life,” the President added. “No paying out the ass for premiums and deductibles for one lucky Joe. No crippling debt as a result of too many doctor visits for one lucky dog. So, sign up! Let’s get to one million! Yes we can! Yes we can!”

Obama finished the press conference by throwing a handful of ObamaCare KEEP THIS COUPON tickets into the crowd. Who will be the one millionth signee? Visit www.healthcare.gov to find out more.