Tag Archives: oil

Fargo Artist Paints First-Ever Moving Picture Using Kinetic Oil Paints

The future is here: framed oil paintings that actually move on the canvas!?

Fargo, ND – Local artist Amsterdam Douglass has apparently achieved the unachievable!

This semi-famous Fargo artist, previously mostly known for his altruistic generosities, has now somehow painted an oil painting that shows actual movement on the canvas upon which it was painted and within the frame in which it is physically bordered.

When asked how he did it, Amsterdam Douglass slowly smiled, while only saying: “Kinetic Oil Paints!”

When asked what the hell are kinetic oil paints, Amsterdam Douglass slowly smiled, as he gracefully reached for his legume-flavored vape pen.

When asked about his legume-flavored vaporizer, Amsterdam Douglass slowly blew a large, thick, legume-flavored vape cloud, into which he virtually vanished via vicarious vaporization.

Frack Lives Matter Movement Galvanizes In Western North Dakota

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Frack Lives Matter!

Williston, ND – With oil prices tumbling and jobs disappearing, western North Dakotans are channeling their frustration into a powerful, singular message: Frack Lives Matter.

Spokesperson Ole Baryll says the once booming oil fields are now standing idle, leaving only run-down man camps in their wake. “The drop in oil prices has left us frackers with a fracking disaster on our hands. We need the world to know how fracking bad it is here. Frack Lives Matter!”

In an effort to raise both awareness and money for the jobless man-campers, the Frack Lives Matter coalition will be staging a protest on Main Street in Williston at 5:00 Friday evening. In true North Dakota style, the protest will be promptly followed at 5:30 by a potluck/dance in the basement of Peace Lutheran Church.

“We’re calling the event Frackfest 2016,” says Baryll. “There will be fun games for the kids, an oil-filled dunk tank, and plenty of casseroles and Cheez-Whiz buns. The Sons of Norway will be serving up Frackfurters & beans, and Erma Johnson is in charge of the coffee. Hoppin’ Joe and The Crude Dudes take the stage at 7:00. Donations will be much appreciated. Frack Lives Matter!”

If you would like to participate in the protest, please dress warmly and bring a politely worded sign to the Town Hall parking lot at 4:30.

Williston Overcrowding & Lack Of Housing Taking Its Toll

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For every person who finds an apartment, 199 others can not.

Williston, ND – With too many people looking for too little housing, folks in Williston, North Dakota are starting to reach their breaking point.

Because of the North Dakota oil boom, monthly rent in Williston is now the highest in the country.

Sadly, for every apartment, there are 200 people seeking a home where they can hang their hat.

Mayor Bob Cobb says: “It’s like trying to play ketchup but you never can quite catch up. It’s very frustrating as more and more people continue to roll into town.”

Professional psychologist René Magritte describes it this way: “The competition for housing is ferocious. For those that do get an apartment, not only is it extremely expensive, but you look out your window only to see all the people that wish they were you. It reminds me of the original Star Trek episode called The Mark Of Gideon in which a planet was so overcrowded that it was like Bombay on steroids.”

Troy McKinley Williston Party Promoter Oil Patch

No Patch No Party

“There will absolutely be no strippers here.”

Williston, ND – Truck driver turned self made pimp party promoter Troy McKinley has come under fire recently.  Troy McKinley has been promoting and even selling tickets to his Party In The Patch (partyinthepatch.com).  The problem: there is no patch or land to even throw the party on.  One would think to sell tickets or throw a party you would first have some place to actually go party at.  Troy commented, “The hell you talking about land?  To throw a party you don’t need to actually have a place to go.”

Troy McKinley has been advertising in the Chicago and Twin Cities areas in the hopes of bringing classy, church going, upper-class women with very high moral aptitude to the Party In The Patch.  “I can’t see any reason why any lady would not want to spend $20 bucks to travel to North Dakota and hang out with greasy oil workers” Troy commented.  What a winning situation for any good gal to be apart of.  His two sponsors “Taco in a Bag” and “Escorts For U” couldn’t be reached for comment.

“Piece of Crap” Recreational Vehicle Thrives in Western North Dakota Oil Boom

rvA janky Western North Dakota RV revels in the demand for affordable housing

Williston, ND – The milking of Western North Dakota’s oil reserves continues to flourish, bringing financial prosperity to the area. However, with the recent influx of employment and manpower suddenly increasing the demand for living space, availability of homes and apartments is becoming scarce. With this in mind, a cruddy-looking RV has reaped the benefits of necessity. This disaster on wheels has a newfound value in these desperate times. I asked the RV its thoughts about the sudden upturn:

“In any other case I would be good for nothing but a roaming meth lab or maybe a late night pay-for-sex encounter. Now, with all this demand for lodging, my net worth has damn near tripled. I can house an entire family and charge them $2,500 a month for rent! My toilet doesn’t even work lol!”

The RV went on to say that “Scummy old rust-buckets like us have become a valuable commodity in the area” and that it is scared that if and when the oil boom disappears it will go back to being a “gutted-out methy cesspool” like it was before.

Only in America can a piss bin like this one go from total shit hole to apartment living room.