Mars will be in good hands with Bernie Sanders as the president of Mars!
Mars, Milky Way – Shortly after suspending his 2020 presidential campaign, Bernie Sanders waved to everyone on Earth as he boarded his plane for Mars.
“This is a bittersweet moment. Bitter because Joe Biden looks to be the Democrat nominee for president. Sweet because I look forward to being the first president of Mars,” said Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders as he climbed aboard his plane which was being prepared for the long flight to Mars.
Pundits opined that Mars might be a good testing ground for some of the Bernie Sanders plans and programs that the seemingly radical Senator wanted to implement here on Earth.
In his final good-bye to his supporters, Bernie said: “I bid you all farewell, and if you want Medicare For All, please come visit us on Mars, where healthcare shall be a human right, along with free college, and free everything, for that matter.”
Senator Amy Klobuchar prepares to body slam alleged attacker to the floor.
Penacook, New Hampshire – Presidential candidate Amy Klobuchar successfully wrestled a Bernie Sanders supporter to the floor after being suddenly attacked while campaigning near New Hampshire’s capital city of Concord.
Luckily, the Minnesota senator had wrestled as a Trojan on her Wayzata High School team, so she instinctively knew some basic moves to protect herself when the need arose.
After the incident, Senator Klobuchar said she now needs to focus all of her attention on wrestling with Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sander, Quid Pro Joe, and Mayor Pete.
President-Elect Jill Stein shown here visiting Disneyland after narrowly winning the election.
Steinsville, Pennsylvania – Green Party presidential candidate Jill Stein has finally finished doing her own vote recount in Wisconsin, Michigan and Pennsylvania.
Based on her new final count vote totals, she is declaring that she won the election fair and square, narrowly beating out both Donald’s Trump and Hillary’s Clinton.
Ms. Stein is being congratulated by many in her Green Party who knew she had what it took to win the election.
Some think that a major turning point for her campaign was when she got arrested and charged with criminal trespass and criminal mischief during the Dakota Access Pipeline protest out there in western North Dakota.
President-Elect Stein is now expected to quickly name her cabinet members and then get ready for her upcoming inaugaration.
We caught up with Jill to ask her how it felt to have won the election.
Speaking in tongues, Jill Stein’s answer was: “Я очень рад, что выиграл выборы.”
What is a Leppo? No, I’m not kidding! What is a Leppo?
Aleppo, Syria – In an effort to help presidential candidate Gary Johnson confidently answer the question: “What is a Leppo?“, the FM Observer has done some quick yet thorough research into this impotent matter.
Here are our Top Ten answers to the syrious question: “What is a Leppo?“
10. A Leppo is a person who has been banished to living on a remote island because they have a horribly contagious skin disease. 9. A Leppo is a deadly little frog found only in the Amazon region that sometimes sneaks into boxes being sent to Amazon Prime customers. 8. A Leppo is a voting member of the group called the Lutheran Evangelical Pastors Presidential Outreach. 7. A Leppo is a colorful children’s building block used to make structures that are then blown up with fun, small, and harmless improvised explosive devices. 6. A Leppo is a false police report usually by Olympic athletes used to distract police from an embarrassing incident involving alcohol. 5. A Leppo is a slang term in some South American countries which refers to a Platonic sex act. 4. A Leppo is an Australian pouched marsupial animal that hides nuts and fruits from other members of its own family when holding a grudge. 3. A Leppo is a nasty gremlin that likes to sabotage third party presidential candidates. 2. A Leppo is commonly the first sign or manifestation that you have contracted a sexually transmitted disease. 1. A Leppo is an accidental cross between a leopard and a hippo which unfortunately is currently viewable at the Cleveland Zoo.
Wouldn’t the staff members of the Long Island Ice Tea Party Caucus be called the staphylocaucus?
Long Island, NY – Fed up with all the shinanigans going on in government and politix today, the Long Island Ice Tea Party is ready to make its move.
Pre-caucus meetings of the Long Island Ice Tea Party are being held in bars, pubs, and clubs all across what’s left of America.
Party leaders are determined to find a presidential candidate who represents not only the lollypop guild but also the non-lollypop hoi-polloi folks who still love the American Dream as much as they do a good strong Long Island Ice Tea.
Spokesman Ray Schnauzer slurred to his translator: “With just the right ingredients, our party’s candidate will bring to the Oval Office just the right blend of sweet and sour, while delivering the most bang for the buck, do you know what I’m saying?”
After having a few Long Island Ice Teas, if YOU feel that YOU have what it takes to be president, then simply stand up and say “I nominate myself!” at the next pre-caucus getogether of your local Long Island Ice Tea Party.
New York, NY – While standing on top of his Trump Tower building, Donald Trump promised to a small gaggle of reporters that if elected president, he would shave the top of his own personal Trump Tower.
Call it a gimmick if you must, but you must admit that Donald Trump shaving his head and shedding his famous hair would be a sight to behold.
One would have to go back to our 34th president to find another who also donned a dome head: Dwight D. Eisenhower, but Ike arguably had a hint of hair.
The Donald says his bald head would be a respectful tip of the hat to our national predatory symbol, the Bald Eagle, which coincidentally would be President Trump’s secret service code name.
With another GOP debate on CNN’s horizon, Donald Trump is now challenging all the other Republican candidates to vow to shave their heads if elected president, to show their allegiance to the Bald Eagle.
New York, NY – The next president of the United States wants to thank you in advance for your vote by dropping $100 bills from the sky.
If you live in a key battleground state, expect to see Donald Trump’s plane doing a low slow fly-over while personally emptying bags of cash over your neighborhood.
President Donald Trump: “I am very, very rich and want to do this to begin to make America great again.”
When asked if this is just a blatant attempt to buy votes, Mr. Trump responded: “You must be having a bad day. Based on your loser question, you obviously are wearing those glasses just to try to make you look smart, and you certainly do not understand how trickle down economics works in the real world. Even though you don’t work for me, YOU’RE FIRED!”