Mister Wabbit, before you die, you can have one wast wish!” – Elmer Fudd
Here at FM Observer we like to take input from the “common folk” of the FM area. Their biggest complaint is that the rabbit population has been hare-balling out of control and let me tell you, people are furiously fed up. As a result, the city has hastily issued a new program that will: 1. take care of the excessive rabbit population and 2. Let disgruntled citizens blow off some steam.
The City of Fargo announced today that a new rabbit bounty program will take effect this weekend appropriately on Friday the 13th.
The guidelines of the program include:
- Bounty will pay $5 per rabbit, $3 per bunny
- Rewards can be traded for a deduction against your yearly city taxes or free beer
- First 100 rabbits you are able to bag will get you a seat at the city’s Rabbit Stew Banquet Dinner including free beer
- Shoot to kill; there are no limits
One might ask what exactly is the city going to do with all these rabbits? Rumors are being spread that the city is starting a huge municipal fur company. Or, perhaps the meat will find its way to your local farmer’s market.
Germany imports $40 million worth of rabbits every year! This could put Fargo on the map as a renowned animal trader, so get out there and start shooting up.
Rabbits to the rescue!
Rabbit, Texas – The president has announced executive orders which will result in special teams of feral rabbits soon being dispatched to the southern U.S. border.
This will be part of an overall coordinated federal ground effort to get an emergency handle on the continuous influx of undocumented Democrats flowing into the United States from Latin American countries.
Captain Jack Leporine is the top commander of this newly created division of feral rabbit agents.
“These formerly wild rabbits will be highly trained and totally ready for action” pledges Captain Jack. “Think of them as elite armed soldiers that are as fast as a jackrabbit but as quiet as a mouse.”
Captain Jack also likes that they are very easily trainable to carry out any orders with feral federal precision. Based on their trainability, the feral rabbits beat out a number of other animal species that were being considered for this unique mission: pigs, sheep, elephants, and chimpanzees.
Captain Jack: “And as a bonus, these rabbits are simple enough to feed because they can survive by just eating any sort of grass, but of course, they prefer lettuce or carrots.”
Pest or potential pet?
Fargo, ND – The rabbit population in Fargo-Moorhead is spiraling dangerously out of control. The herbivore hare is making its presence known to the point of them becoming a cuddly-wuddly new pest in our area.
These stuffed-animals-come-to-life are migrating to a shrub near you. What were once only seen on a rare occasion have now become an everyday event as rabbits roam free throughout town; darting in and out of bushes near sidewalks and city streets.
Fargo resident Lindsey Goetz has witnessed the epidemic firsthand:
“Bunnies are taking over Fargo. They are as big as medium-sized dogs.”
West Fargo resident and friend of animals Cody Marthaller is a proud contributor to the issue of overpopulation:
“True story. I have four jackrabbits bigger than small dogs visit my backyard. I’m probably the reason for such rapid breeding from all the food they are eating from my backyard.”
The larger-sized rabbits are getting aggressive—competing with squirrels for real estate. They can be overheard facing down the tree rats; barking at them like some kind of possessed Easter mascot.
I found this little rascal hopping around on a sidewalk outside the Atomic Coffee in Moorhead. He seemed to have either lost his way or had been kicked out of his nest for being a runt 🙁
Small at first…
If this isn’t an adorably cute indication that the rabbit population is out of hand, I don’t know what is.
The Observer urges you to take in one (or twelve) of these furry friends as a means to combat this fun-sized, adorable issue. Feed them crickets and grass. Pet them and hug them (if you dare). Love them. But remember: if these wild animals feel cornered, they become surprisingly defensive and violent. Happy hunting!