Tag Archives: restaurants

Fargo Lobster Bisque Company Goes Belly Up Due To Lack Of Local Lobsters

It would’ve been real nice to have a Lobster Bisque company here in Fargo but apparently they forgot the Feasibility Study.

Fargo, ND – Even before it officially opened its doors for business, the Fargo Lobster Bisque Company is officially closing its doors.

Selbo Berquist is the owner of the already defunct Fargo Lobster Bisque Company who now admits: “Yeah, we prolly forgot to do our due diligence and go with the highly recommended Feasibility Study which prolly would’ve red flagged us to the fact that Fargo does not have a large lobster population living in the area.”

So what are Mr. Berquist’s plans for the future?

“Well, we have heard the Minnesota lakes area is starting to produce a plethora of zebra mussels so we are prolly looking into re-packaging ourselves in that general direction,” Selbo ponders. 

Ironically, all the lobsters in Selbo Berquist can bisquely be re-arranged to spell: Lobster Bisque!

Ask For Your ‘Free Beer’ During Free Beer Week!

Since it's free, you might as well ask for it.

Since it’s free, you might as well ask for it.

Fargo, ND – All across the region, it is once again Free Beer Week!

This will be the Second Annual Free Beer Week since last year’s kickoff was so well received.

If you find yourself at one of the many participating bars or restaurants in the area, simply ask for your Free Beer during Free Beer Week!

Various ways of asking for your Free Beer:

“Yeah, I think I’ll take my Free Beer now. Thanks!”

“Since it’s Free Beer Week, I might as well participate.”

“Got any of those Free Beers left, partner?”

What some people are saying about Free Beer Week:

Sven Carlos verbalized: “I love Free Beer Week! More things should be free, like movie theater tickets.”

Saradoc Tunnelly retorted: “Someone once bought me a free lunch but there were strings attached.”

Eglantine Labingi declared: “Could we have Free Beer Week like maybe once a month?”

Olafia Zaragamba exclaimed: “Whoever thought of Free Beer Week should get an award.”

Baldur Hornblower uttered: “If you don’t want your free beer, could I perhaps have it?”

Edible Cricket Farming Providing Many Fargo Families Extra Income During Sluggish Obama Economy

Many struggling families buying a ticket to the edible cricket farming business.

Many struggling families buying a ticket to the edible cricket farming business.

Fargo, ND – With healthcare costs becoming more and more unaffordable due to increasing premiums and deductibles under the UnAffordable Care Act, many Fargo families have turned to edible cricket farming in an effort to help make ends meet.

Edible cricket farmer Torok Kadosa believes his new cricket farming business will allow Santa to bring at least one nice present to each of his four children for Christmas this year, in spite of what Obamacare has done to slow our once-roaring economy to a meow.

Mr. Kadosa and his family have also become quite fond of cooking and eating crickets, as have many green restaurants to which edible cricket farmers sell most of their crickets.

Torok says “you can boil them, broil them, bake them, or saute the little guys.” He has even tried cricket-kabobs, cricket creole, and cricket gumbo.

Some restaurants have been successfully serving pan fried crickets, deep fried crickets, and even spicy stir fried crickets.

Mr. Kodosa also suggests making cricket soup, cricket stew, and cricket burgers.

If you would like more information on starting your own edible cricket farm, simply go to Start A Cricket Farm and enter promo code “Cricket To Me!”

New Cheeseburger-Shaped Space Restaurant Ready To Serve

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Ready, Set, Blast Off to the new Burger King Space Station Restaurant!

Kennedy Space Center, FL – NASA and the Burger King Corporation are very proud to announce that their joint effort to put a Burger King restaurant into space orbit has finally been realized.

With today comes news that a flying Double Whopper® no tomato, no lettuce, extra cheese has been blasted into orbit. The aircraft, tentatively named SpaceBurger, is home for a brand new Burger King franchise that is scheduled to land on Mars in the year 2018.

Any asstronauts out for a leisurely spacewalk or hungry legal aliens who might be passing through our galaxy will be happily surprised to find a wide variety of zero-gravity fast-food offerings at the new SpaceBurger King location:

  • Gooburger
  • Antigravity ChickenTron
  • Dehydrated Whopper Jr
  • Dry Ice Fries
  • Chocolate SpaceShakes

You should know that intergalactic commerce does not accept our puny Earth currency–orders must be paid for in Marklar, the official space dollar. One Gooburger is slated to cost you seven Marklar, while the price for one Dehydrated Whopper Jr is set at five Marklar.

Burger King President Bernardo Cheese indicates that another similar orbiting restaurant will soon be launched but this next one will look like an order of Chicken Fries. Other fast food chains are also planning their own spaced-out restaurants; some being designed with outdoor Kiddy Playlands.

FMO Restaurant Review: Grand Porks

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This little piggy went to market.

Fargo, ND – Today we are reviewing a restaurant called Grand Porks. Porks is new to the Fargo area but, not surprisingly, originated in Grand Forks. Since we were both quite hungry, Nick and I decided to review this restaurant together. In order to not be recognized when we walked in, we chose to wear trench coats and aviator sunglasses for the duration of our visit.

John: After pulling into the parking lot of the Grand Porks restaurant, we parked with no problem, but valet parking would have been nice. We walked in separately so as to not cause suspicion that we were two people from a satirical news agency there to do a restaurant review. I asked for a booth in the back of the restaurant and Nick then cleverly asked for a table near the front.

Nick: Upon entering the establishment, we were immediately accosted by a gigantic man dressed in an inflatable pig costume. He blurted out through his bubbly pig helmet “Welcome to Grand Porks, thanks for PIGGING OUT with us!!” then handed us each a 10% off coupon. We were both taken aback by this but there was no time to react as we were being hastily ushered to our respective tables by the hostess. This experience was equal parts troubling and panic-inducing. ★★✩✩✩

John: En route to my back corner booth, I noticed an odd sign on the restroom door: “UniSex Bathroom. One Size Fits All.” In general, this restaurant seemed friendly, dark, and warm, which could have been because I was wearing sunglasses and a trench coat. As I sat down, the hostess handed me an attractive menu showing mostly pictures and prices. While she was filling my water glass, I asked for an appetizer recommendation to which she replied: “Why don’t you try the tickled pork belly nuggets-on-a-stick served with our famous porky jerk sauce?”, to which I replied: “Yes! Why don’t I?!”

Nick:  My waitress was an attentive 20-something from Granville, ND. A marketing major at NDSU. Although young, I could instantly tell she possessed a lifetime of experience. How did I make this conclusion so early on? Well, my first test for Grand Porks was to order a double-tall whiskey coke, no ice, no coke followed by the statement “I’ve had a rough day–time to get completely shitblasted!” just to see the server’s reaction. She handled my request with style and grace and without question. This is how I knew my dining experience would likely turn out to be a positive one. ★★★★★

John: My appetizer arrived as expected, and I attentively consumed it. T’was quite good. I ordered a different appetizer, and ate that too – also not bad. Then I ordered three random dinner entrees, since I was basically eating “for free”. They arrived. I ate them all. “What’s for dessert, I asked?” She replied: “How about a pork pound cake?” I ate that too. This is when I began watching the UniSex restroom door, for when there might be an upcoming vacancy, just in case anything I’d recently eaten didn’t fully agree with me, which it didn’t.

Nick: The dinner menu was, itself, a sight to behold. Who knew there could be such a plethora of pork permutations? I took the liberty of jotting down a few of my entrees:

  • Pork Tornado– An 8-inch fried corn tortilla shaped like a funnel, filled to the brim with carnitas, ham slop and bacon bits.
  • The Mighty Hambone– A completely un-butchered pig spine beer-battered with a 16-month old case of Michelob AmberBock®, then deep-fried.
  • Frizzle Fry Head Cheese– Head cheese as only Grand Porks can prepare it! Lightly tossed head marinated in a vegetable oil/olive oil/motor oil conglomeration, then broiled in a below-ground smoker amidst periodic sprinkles of hog sweat. Served with a side of aus jus.

Primus-Frizzle_FryI made no hesitation in ordering the Frizzle Fry, among many other entrees. It came, as requested, eyeballs intact and with visible canine incisors. It was an absolute delight. ★★★★★

John: I was feeling happily full to the gills, barely able to move toward the UniSex bathroom. While laying back in my rear corner booth, I could see Nick up front, obviously quite pork-drunk, sitting at a table near the entrance. He was trying to reach out and grab anyone who walked within six feet of his pork-covered table. It was at this moment that I knew this restaurant was a winner. During the last two hours, it had passed every test we threw at it. On a scale of 1-5, I’d have to give it 5 Pigs, which is what I told my server just before I started trying to explain to her that my meal was to be free because we were writing a serious restaurant review for a very prestigious local satirical fake news website.

Nick: Final numbers for our trip to Grand Porks:

Entrees devoured: 8.75

Double-tall drinks imbibed: 7.5

Hours spent: 4.25

Trips to the UniSex: 16

Verbal reprimands from Porks staff: 4

Dollars spent: $197

Likelihood of return: 9.4

Overall rating: ★★★★✩

FM Observer To Begin Series Of Area Restaurant Reviews

Would you like another free glass of wine before you look at our menu?

Would you like another free glass of wine before you look at our menu?

Fargo, ND – By popular demand, the FM Observer will soon begin a series of restaurant reviews of all your favorite (and non-favorite) eateries in the Fargo-Moorhead area.

Just as Fargo police drunk-driver checkpoints are unexpectedly random, so too will be our restaurant reviews.

To all F-M area restaurants, sooner or later, each one of you can expect a visit from one or more of our staff. We may not overtly identify who we are and what we’re up to. However, if we do identify ourselves, we will expect our entire meal to be free. Gratis. “On-the-house”. In either case, we will usually ask a series of questions throughout our stay and will want these questions answered immediately, such as: “What would you recommend?” We may ask for directions to the bathroom and then “accidentally” walk into the kitchen. We may order the pepper steak and send it back because it’s too peppery. Everything we do will be to thoroughly test every aspect of your establishment, from: friendliness, cleanliness, ambience, food quality and quantity, drink potency and potability, attention to details, to how you deal with problems.

To our readers: We vow to be completely unbiased and honest in our reporting, unlike the late, great Brian Williams. If you ever have any particular restaurants that you would like to suggest we critique, please do not hesitate to contact our Restaurant Review Department.

Many Restaurants Starting To Go Glutton-Free

gluttonfree1px1Fargo, ND – A trend that may have started down in Mississippi is starting to take root in Fargo, North Dakota. Many eating establishments in the Fargo area are on the verge of going Glutton-Free.

The idea is to help the obese by disallowing them from entering restaurants. This would also make it much more pleasant for all the other patrons who have chosen to go eat out.

Justin David Pepperstone, who is currently president of the Fargo Restaurant Operators Group (FROG) explains that “just as folks don’t want to have to be seated next to an extremely fat person on a four hour airplane flight, neither do they want to watch a glutton excessively gorge themselves at the table next to theirs when out for a quiet romantic dinner”.

Mr. Pepperstone also mentioned a biblical Proverb in defense of FROG’s decision: “Be not among drunkards or among gluttonous eaters of meat, for the drunkard and the glutton will come to poverty, and slumber will clothe them with rags.”

How will you be able to identify which restaurants have gone Glutton-Free? Just look for the places that have installed newly designed Glutton-Free narrow doors. If you can fit through the door, you are Glutton-Free.