Compared to the worst winters ever, this coming winter will top the charts.
West Fargo, ND – The good news is that your FM Observer just hired one of the best weather forecasters in the business.
The bad news is that our very own Dr. Noblin Glasgow is predicting the worst winter ever for our North Central region of the country.
Unfortunately, what we are hearing from Dr. Glasgow is that this coming winter will far exceed any of the previous worst winters on record.
“I am very sorry to say that this winter will make the winters of 1888, 1920, 1941, 1966, and 1997 look like birthday parties at a country club,” explains Dr. Noblin Glasgow while smoking a cigar amongst his stacks of scientific data.
Obviously, in light of this unsettling information, locals are calmly advised to stock up on all the usuals: candles, shovels, Doritos, and beer.
Interestingly, all the letters in Noblin Glasgow can be blown around to spell: Global Snowing!
Washington, DC – With the George Zimmerman verdict serving as the straw that broke the camel’s back, the government of our fair nation has decided to (finally) close Florida’s border off from the rest of the country. This crudely-drawn map details the government’s plans to build a big ass wall clear across the FL-GA border and southwards, west of Tallahassee to the Gulf of Mexico:
Surely against their will, Alabama will be granted the excess land. If they so desire, the new section of Alabama can secede and become a territory. Call it “New Alabama”. No one will be allowed ground entry from Florida to Georgia or New Alabama in a brazen attempt to keep the psychotic riff raff comprising the state of Florida (better known as “America’s anus”) sectioned off from civilized humanity.
In a statement, President Obama outlined his plan:
“The Secretary of the Interior is currently extracting budgeted funds to finance the construction of a “Great Wall” that will completely seal the border, letting Florida govern and fend for itself forever. We will station National Guard members at strategically-placed watchtower locations along the Great Wall for protection. It’s time to seal that baby off. In addition to keeping our fellow Americans safe, thousands of jobs will be created to assist in the construction of the Great Wall. This maneuver is good for our economy and the only way to deal with Florida at this point.”
The President went on to say that commercial air travel will continue “at your own risk” for sports teams, vacationers, family visits and things of that nature. His apparent theory is that Florida riff raff don’t have the ways & means to travel by air anyway, thereby negating the need for a ‘no fly zone’. The Coast Guard will also be on high alert for any watercraft attempting to commute from the shores of Florida to American beaches. Water commuters will be treated as pirates and shot dead on sight.
Kudos to Obama for ostracizing the creatures of Florida to protect the rest of the country.