Tag Archives: schools

Fargo Getting Positive Response From Students About Year-Round Schooling

Students are super stoked about the idea of year-round schooling!

Fargo, ND Gone are the good old days of School’s Out For Summer!

Students of all ages in the Fargo school system will soon have the pleasure of year-round schooling.

School Board members are patting themselves on their collective backs for “thinking outside the box” on this one, and for coming up with such a smart New Age idea, which will presumably:

1. Raise grade point averages by 20-25% over the next twenty years.

2. Decrease future skin cancer by 20-25% over the next thirty years.

3. Combat the War On Learning Loss (which occurs during summers off).

4. Give children a taste of working a full-time job in the professional world.

5. Teach kids how to manage their recreational PTO (personal time off).

6. Act as punishment for being so spoiled with all their smartphones.

7. Teach the idea of respecting your elders.

8. Keep them busy, out of jail, and off drugs.

Student Annoys Class with Runny Nose

runny noseRoseville, MN — Students of Gretta Jurcak’s sixth period math class exchanged eye-rolls as classmate Andy Struum sniffled his runny nose for nearly an hour.

Struum’s snorting began midway through third period and continued through lunch and into his final class. As the day progressed, so did the severity of the sniffle, beginning as a tickle and evolving into a full blown gusher. By the final minutes of math, Struum was sucking up snot once every ten seconds.

“It was very distracting for both me and the students,” Jurcak said. “How am I supposed to concentrate on my lesson plan when I can see and hear the snot yo-yoing from his face?”

As Struum refused to use a Kleenex or excuse himself for a bathroom break, Jurcak’s students glared and silently cursed at their classmate.

“I thought I was going to throw up,” student Brad Cheile said. “I was sitting right in front of him and could hear him breathing through his mouth and snorting the whole time. One more minute of class and I would have turned around and told him to blow his friggen nose.”

While many students suffer from nose-blowing anxiety, fearing that they will be bullied for getting up during class to use a Kleenex, few hold out as long as Struum. Horton Jahn deals with yearly bouts of ragweed allergies, but has a system to prevent being “that guy.”

“I find a spot in the back of f the room and sniffle as quietly as possible,” Jahn said. “Then, during passing time, I blow my nose in the bathroom with one of those scratchy brown towels. That usually gets me through the first half of class, but sometimes I resort to wiping my nose with my hand or sleeve — anything to prevent actually using a Kleenex.”

Struum used none of Jahn’s tactics, making the already unpopular sixth period class an hour from hell. After the bell, Struum was kept after class and lectured by Jurcak for being so inconsiderate.

“I guess I didn’t even realize I had a runny nose,” Struum said. “I spent all day thinking about my fantasy football lineup just like very other day. Honestly, I thought people were staring at me because they were trying to read my awesome Charlie Brown t-shirt. If they wanted me to blow my nose they could have asked.”


How Schools Decide To Close During Weather Events

How Schools Decide To Close During Weather EventsA number of factors come into play when a school is deciding whether or not to close their doors due to weather events.


Below are some of the obvious factors:


– It is so cold that your balls shrivel all the way up into your scrotum so you no longer have balls and literally freak out wondering where your balls went.  No school for you.

– At least TWO of your children slip on the ice while going to school and suffer severe brain damage then school might be called off.  Remember it has to be at least two children.

– Zero visibility. It better look like Lindsay Lohan just sneezed on an 8-ball out there. Basically, if you can see two inches in front of you, get your ass to school and learn some french!

– If you don’t have at least two feet of snow in your driveway in the morning then school’s on, bitches.

– If the majority of every road is an ice rink, then school’s on.  Ice skate your ass to school, pussy.

-Are there polar bears roaming the streets? No matter. Ride one to class! But if you see Sasquatch, get the hell inside.

-Let’s say you walk outside and immediately seize up into a human icicle. That doesn’t mean you won’t thaw out after your mommy drags you to homeroom. Get moving.

-Your local liquor store must write you a typed long-form note explaining that they are out of Hot 100. That is one of very few viable excuses you can use to stay home.

-There is a Three Stooges marathon on cable.

-You are 99% completion on Grand Theft Auto. Understandable that you need that final mission badly.

-Your home is literally made of dirt and you bathe in a hollowed-out bison skull and burn buffalo chips for heat.



In a nutshell, if the National Guard isn’t called in, your ass is going to school in the Fargo-Moorhead area.