Tag Archives: selfish

New MN State Record Set For Smallest Walleye Ever Caught

This baby walleye sets the new record for the smallest walleye ever caught in the state of Minnesota!

Lakes, MN – Dr. Wayne Tilley didn’t know what he was in for during the Minnesota walleye fishing opener.

Wayne had no idear he would soon be the new state record-holder for the smallest walleye ever successfully reeled in since fishing records first began being kept back during the Taft administration.

Dr. Tilley plans to have the beautiful specimen stuffed and mounted for his children’s children to share with their children, if North Korea hasn’t nuked us by then.

Wayne Tilley in his own words: “Even tho it was only about four inches long and weighed in at about a quarter ounce, the darn little rascal put up a pretty good fight!

Ironically, all the letters in Wayne Tilley can somehow be re-arranged to spell: Tiny Walleye!

FMO Planning An Exciting Bus Tour Excursion For Our Readers To The Fossil Fish Festival

Join us for the Fossil Fish Festival. It’s a fun way to waste a weekend and also a great way to meet people you normally would want to avoid.

West Fargo, ND – The FMO Tour Bus is being cleaned out (from our last trip to the State Prison) for our next Reader Tour Fun Package!

Where are we going this time? To Wyoming, to see the amazing Fossil Fish Festival on February 18th!

You may ask yourself: Whyoming? Well, because that’s where the Fossil Fish Festival is being held – in Laramie, which is in the state of Wyoming, which is somewhere North of Colorado.

This will be the 30th anniversary of the designation of the wonderful fossil fish “Knightia”, who is Wyoming’s official state fossil which evolved roughly 50 million years ago!

This extinct fossil fish has served as Wyoming’s State Fossil Fish for 30 years and because it is so similar to herring, they will be serving expensive pickled herring for a nominal fee of $50 per person.

Sign up for our Fossil Fish Festival Fun Package at our Corporate Office Park.

The cost for the entire Fun Package is $999.99 which does not include any food, drinks, lodging, tips, and/or emergency medical attention.

Sign up early and often so we have enough time to do some extreme vetting into your personal life and of those who may be sitting next to you for the 36 hour round trip.

Terrible Socialite Diva Making Stop At West Acres


Kula RePaParker, demon shopmaster

Fargo, ND—The Observer has learned that Kula RePaParker, heiress to the vast RePaParker® line of stylish animal cosmetics, will be attempting to break the Guinness Book of World Records “most state malls shopped by one materialistic human in one year” record by making a slew of frivolous purchases in at least one shopping mall in all 50 states during 2014.

Her final stop will be next Monday, December 29th at West Acres Mall in Fargo. 

During an interview via her diamond-studded platinum-plated iPhone 6+, we caught up with Kula to get her take on what has been a wild year of shopaholism.

FMO: So…you like shopping?

Kula: I should have, like, went to North Derkota in, like, the summer or something. It’s, like, cold there now.

FMO: Yes, well, it’s cold in many places in the winter, not just North Dakota. You’ll need to stay warm somehow.

Kula: I like, have a fur coat made from, like, the interwoven hairs of, like, 2,000 virgin RePaParker® overseas sweatshop workers or whatever.

FMO: That’s lovely! What do you plan on buying when you get to West Acres Mall?

Kula: Like, do they have calf-leather boots or whatever? Mine are, like, 3 days old.

FMO: Maybe…only one way to find out! I’d check JC Penney…

Kula: JC who?

FMO: JC Penney. It’s a widely-known retail manufacturer…

Kula: Is there a Saks there or something?

FMO: Saks Fifth Avenue? No…the mall is on 13th avenue.

Kula: Well, like, um…where am I supposed to shop and junk??

FMO: There are at least two jewelers at West Acres. Maybe you could throw away your most useless 96-karat diamond ring and get a new one?

Kula: …

FMO: Okay. I’m sure they have some leather-bound garments at the Buckle.

Kula: …Ugh!

Is Kula the next Paris Hilton times a thousand? Watch for this beacon of materialism at West Acres Mall some time next Monday afternoon 🙁