Tag Archives: senator

Heidi Heitkamp And Kevin Cramer Agree To Three UFC-Style Octagon Fights

Will octagon fighting between candidates become the new normal? Tune in to find out.

Bismarck, ND – Heidi Heitkamp and Kevin Cramer, who are both fighting for the same Senate seat, will meet three times prior to the election in order to help undecided voters make their choice.

Their campaigns have agreed that these three meetings will each be a UFC-style fight held within a fenced octagon in which there basically are no rules.

North Dakota is possibly the first state to have their candidates engage in octagon fighting, instead of the normal (and boring) debate setting where they answer questions whilst standing at a podium and sip water for an hour.

These three exciting octagon fights between Heidi Heitkamp and Kevin Cramer are expected to be watched by people all across the country, not only because of the importance of the race but also because of the uniqueness of their encounters.

Mall Santa Resigns After Multiple Accusations Of Groping

Santa is asking his attorney: “Since when did groping become so politically incorrect?” Santa’s also wondering: “Why doesn’t anyone want to come near me?”

Fargo, ND – One of the real fake Santas at a well-known local Fargo shopping mall has resigned amid numerous accusations of groping any women within a “reasonable groping distance”.

Some disgusted mothers and dejected helper-elves have filed complaints to the North Pole that Santa has been groping some of these adult women during official mall photos, and even during some of Santa’s own selfies and elfies.

Renta Santa, the company from whence the mall allegedly hired this Santa, has denied any legal culpability but did say that this particular Santa had once been a Minnesota state senator who had left the arena of politics due to some “inappropriate sexual behavior”.

A linguistics expert that we consulted with said that the term “Mall” will soon no longer be politically correct because it is homonymistically so very similar to the word “Maul”.

Al Franken Dedicates New Center For Groping

Al Franken’s Center For Groping will be a place where he can do his work.

St. Paul, MN – Yesterday Senator Al Franken proudly dedicated his new Center For Groping, which is conveniently located near the Minnesota State Fair grounds.

At the dedication ceremony, when asked about all the recent groping accusations, Senator Franken cleverly said: “Well, once a comedian, always a comedian. Hey, I was just joking around and having a little fun!”

The alleged groper went on to sincerely apologize to all the women that he has not yet groped, which was a nice segue into the official dedication ceremony for his new Center For Groping.

One Franken fan noted that since Senator Al Franken was a wrestler in high school at The Blake School, he has essentially gone from being a grappler to a groper.