Tag Archives: sleep

Sign Up To Win A Chance To Host Cher In Your Fargo Home During The Nights Of Her Concert

Cher wants to Share a night with you in your home! Just make sure you have some Chery Coke on hand!

Fargo, ND As part of her Final Outreach Tour, Cher wants to stay in the home of some lucky Fargo family in April 2020!

Sign up to win a chance to host Cher in your master bedroom during her two night stay in Fargo, before she scoots off to Green Bay, Wisconsin for her next big concert!

Email us all your personal contact information, along with your favorite Cher songs, and ten reasons why you love Cher!

Also explain why you think your home should be chosen to host Cher!

Please include a picture of your family, your pets, your home, and your master bedroomwhere Cher might sleep!

Entire Family Goes Missing After Husband Dreams They Were All Kidnapped

Their jeep was found on a road to nowhere.

Fargo, ND – In a case that might never be solved, an entire family has gone missing after the patriarch had a dream that his family had been kidnapped.

Mr. Damian Flipp-Dyke, who reportedly reported the dream by calling 9-1-1, is now missing along with his lovely wife, Lola Flipp-Dyke, and their three above-average children: Nyork, Zhway, and Ahzr.

The only remaining evidence of the family, besides their hungry dog sitting in an empty home, is the family’s jeep which was found abandoned on a random road down in the deep jungles of Guatemala.

If you have any pertinent information that might help solve this mysterious case, please report it to the Dream Police, or call the Kidnap Hotline and ask for Karl.

Abscondingly, all of the letters in Damian Flipp-Dyke can be re-arranged to spell: Family Kidnapped!

FMO Considering Selling Prayer Pillows To Help Fund Reader Appreciation Parties

Rest your head on a prayer!

Fargo, ND – Your FM Observer understands the importance of saying a bedtime prayer each and every night before retiring to dreamland. In fact, we believe this has been a big reason why we’ve been so successful at being a non-profit corporation. Things really started to turn around after hiring two full-time chaplains to help guide us spiritually and emotionally through our daily work lives.

To help us give back to our community, we’re considering selling FM Observer Prayer Pillows for the nominal fee of $150 each, which will go directly into our Party Fund.

To maximize your personal prayer power, here are five wonderful choices of prayers for your FMO Prayer Pillow, each one thoughtfully co-written by our two chaplains, Tempie Sadberry and Demetria Presby:

Now I lay me down to rest
After surviving yet another test
Tomorrow will bring more work and play
Hopefully, I’ll make it through another day

Now I crawl into my bed
With lots of thoughts up in my head
If I can’t somehow fall asleep
I’ll take some Xanax and count some sheep

As today is now terminating
Another night is germinating
Hopefully tomorrow will bring good weather
And I can somehow get my shit together

Back in my bedroom once again
Laying in bed, listening to my fan
To wake, I’ve set my digital clock
For protection, I have a loaded glock

Now I lay down on my back
Hoping I don’t have a heart attack
Or suffer a thrombotic stroke
About these things I’ll never joke

Prayerfully, all the letters in both “Tempie Sadberry” and “Demetria Presby” can be re-arranged to spell: Bed-time Prayers!

Use Decorative Duct Tape To Help Your Partner Stop Snoring During The Holidays

To stop snoring, duct tape works every time it’s tried.

Duck, NC – Are you looking for a smart solution to your partner’s snoring problem?

Have all your other feeble attempts to get a good night sleep failed?

Our very own Dr. Willy Nilly suggests using something that you probably already have in your home: Duct Tape!

Studies have shown that duct tape works 100% of the time for stopping snoring sleepers.

Directions: Simply cut a one foot section of heavy-duty duct tape and then carefully apply across the mouth area of your sleeping spousemate. During the holiday season, consider using decorative duct tape for a more festive mood.

Ambien User Somnambulates To X-Wife’s House To Ask For Nullification Of Divorce

Best not to sleep and walk concurrently.

Moorhead, MN – After taking more than the prescribed normal dosage of Ambien to help him fall asleep, Victor Rishikof walked in his sleep to the home of his ex-wife while only wearing a bath robe.

Once there, Victor repeatedly rang the doorbell at around three in the morning.

His ex-wife Sheila eventually answered the door after all the kids had woken up along with her seven dachshunds who were quite worked up into a tizzy as you can imagine.

Sleeping Victor kept standing at the door pushing the doorbell while continuously mumbling that he wanted an immediate nullifcation of their recent divorce.

A confused Victor woke up the next day in jail, listed as the adverse party on a restraining order, and suffering from extreme frostbite.

Moral of the story: During periods of global cooling, if recently divorced, wear long underwear prior to taking any nonbenzodiazepines.

UND Offering Classes On How To Wake Up And Get Out Of Bed

UND’s new WAKE UP & GET UP program is like “trying to push a rope”.

Grand Forks, ND – The University of North Dakota has decided to offer special classes for its students on how to literally wake up and physically get out of bed.

After noticing that a majority of students were not attending early morning classes, school officials came up with the novel idea of teaching how to effectively wake up and get up especially during the hibernatory months of winter.

Ms. Camari Greer who is Acting Vice Chancellor of the Student Affairs Relations Commission tells us that sleeping in during classes is “a threat to our democracy” and “must be properly addressed in no uncertain terms”.

We asked some random students some random questions and got some very random answers:

Thiago Gawkroger who is supposedly studying Social Calculus admits to missing at least a functional derivative of his classes because “they’re just too darn early in the morning! To make it to my 9:50 class, I’d have to wake up by nine o’clock!”

Valentina Jaxon who’s planning on majoring in Art History and Art Garfunkel says that since the very first class which she did attend (but fell asleep in), she has not made it to any of the other lectures which start at 8:20 AM.

Questions for follow-up small-group discussions:
1. What do you think about this somnolent situation?
2. How do you feel about teaching classes to wake up?
3. What would you do if you were the Acting Vice Chancellor?
4. If you only had one year to live, what would you do?
5. What advice would you give yourself three years ago?
6. Is there something important you need to tell your family?
7. What’s stopping you from reaching your full potential?
8. What do you see yourself doing in 80 years?
9. What do you need to eat less of and why?
10. What are your inner voices telling you to do right now?

Local Man Who Dreamed He Was Flying Somehow Woke Up In Tokyo

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When in Japan, see some Sumo!

Fargo, ND – A local Fargo man who crawled into bed in Fargo at around 11:00 PM on December 29th, somehow amazingly woke up in Tokyo, Japan the next day.

Dave Cooperfeld of 243 Pinecone Place says he had a dream that night in which he was flying in a large passenger airplane. When he woke up from his long slumber, he was in Tokyo!

Experts are trying to figure out just how this could have happened. His wife, Claudia, is wondering how her husband is going to get home?

They both recall his recent Chinese fortune cookie which said: “An unexpected trip is soon at hand.” But at the time they both thought it meant a fall or tumble down the stairs.

None of the airlines show any record of Mr. Cooperfeld boarding an airplane between the time he went to bed and when he ended up in Tokyo.

Some speculate that the sleeping Mr. Cooperfeld travelled through a worm hole or a “wrinkle in time”. His wife thinks that rum was involved.

While he’s there, Mr. Cooperfeld is planning on visiting the famous Fish Market, checking out some Sumo wrestling, perhaps drinking some Hot Sake (SOCK-key), and then maybe topping it all off by singing some Karaoke (Carry-OH-key).

Replace Your Insomnia With 15 Possible Side Effects


I only sleep with people I love, which is why I have insomnia.

Sleepy Eye, MN – Are you one of the millions of frustrated people who have trouble sleeping at night? Maybe you should consider doing what many other desperate insomniacs do. Perhaps you need to get hooked on Ambien.

Most agree that the best cure for insomnia is sleep. And the best way fall asleep is to pop an Ambien. Ambien lurks under many nicknames, such as: Intermesso, Zolpidemic, Insania, Hypnotica, and Silent Night. If you want your Ambien to work quickly, avoid the “CR” version, which is Controlled Release. The non-CR tablets will hit you like a brick, hopefully knock you out within 15 minutes, and will last for about 2-3 hours, if you’re lucky.

Unfortunately, the possible side effects from taking Ambien include: headaches, nausea, vomiting, dizziness, hallucinations, delusions, increased appetite, increased libido, amnesia, altered thought patterns, loss of balance, poor motor coordination, impaired judgment, uninhibited extroversion, and increased impulsivity.

However, can you imagine trying to fall asleep while you’re dizzy, nauseated, and vomiting, and while experiencing a raging headache, bizarre hallucinations, grand delusions, ravaging hunger, and an off-the-chart libido? Plus, if and when you ever dare stop taking Ambien, your insomnia will rebound with a vengance, way worse than it was before.


All this might help explain why Ivan Lopez recently went postal during the latest shooting at Fort Hood. He chose to choose Ambien for his problems, just like you can.

When trying to reach Army officials at Fort Hood for comment, they were all zonked out on Ambien. When trying to reach the French pharmaceutical company Sanofi-Aventis for comment (which sells Ambien in the United States), we didn’t understand a fricking word they said because they rudely insisted upon speaking French.