Tag Archives: sleepwalk

Xanax Fest Expected To Attract Tranquil Crowd

Rather sedate attendees expected to attend West Fargo’s new Xanax Fest

West Fargo, ND – A new festival coming to the Red River Valley should appeal to anyone who enjoys a more sedate lifestyle.

Xanax Fest was the brain child of Nira Vam and her super laid-back boyfriend UpJohn.

Mellow music from the relaxing band Alpra Zolam will calm the already placid audience.

“We believe that Xanax Fest will be a serene and restful happening,” says Nira Vam, who hopes this will be the first of many Xanax Fests.

Paranoia counselors from the Pfizer Corporation will be on hand (in curtained privacy tents) for anyone feeling the paranoid side effects from too much Xanax fun.

Your FM Observer Is Humbled To Have Once Again Won Best Website Award

FMO wins 2019 Best Website Award!

West Fargo, ND The FM Observer, which began as a simple scribble on a soiled napkin in the dank basement of a defunct church, is so very proud and humbled to once again accept the most prestigious award for Best Website of 2019.

Because of all our faithful readers, we somehow earned this award again by being the main source of news for many people who trust us to provide them accurate information about the latest happenings in our ever-changing world of fluxational madness.

Our incredibly dedicated staff of hundreds, who sometimes sleep less than two hours per night, feel this award only motivates them more to get less sleep in the future.

If you would like to stop by our corporate headquarters to see our latest award, please also feel free to enjoy some excellent Lobster Bisque which was made especially for you!

Entire Family Goes Missing After Husband Dreams They Were All Kidnapped

Their jeep was found on a road to nowhere.

Fargo, ND – In a case that might never be solved, an entire family has gone missing after the patriarch had a dream that his family had been kidnapped.

Mr. Damian Flipp-Dyke, who reportedly reported the dream by calling 9-1-1, is now missing along with his lovely wife, Lola Flipp-Dyke, and their three above-average children: Nyork, Zhway, and Ahzr.

The only remaining evidence of the family, besides their hungry dog sitting in an empty home, is the family’s jeep which was found abandoned on a random road down in the deep jungles of Guatemala.

If you have any pertinent information that might help solve this mysterious case, please report it to the Dream Police, or call the Kidnap Hotline and ask for Karl.

Abscondingly, all of the letters in Damian Flipp-Dyke can be re-arranged to spell: Family Kidnapped!

Ambien User Somnambulates To X-Wife’s House To Ask For Nullification Of Divorce

Best not to sleep and walk concurrently.

Moorhead, MN – After taking more than the prescribed normal dosage of Ambien to help him fall asleep, Victor Rishikof walked in his sleep to the home of his ex-wife while only wearing a bath robe.

Once there, Victor repeatedly rang the doorbell at around three in the morning.

His ex-wife Sheila eventually answered the door after all the kids had woken up along with her seven dachshunds who were quite worked up into a tizzy as you can imagine.

Sleeping Victor kept standing at the door pushing the doorbell while continuously mumbling that he wanted an immediate nullifcation of their recent divorce.

A confused Victor woke up the next day in jail, listed as the adverse party on a restraining order, and suffering from extreme frostbite.

Moral of the story: During periods of global cooling, if recently divorced, wear long underwear prior to taking any nonbenzodiazepines.

UND Offering Classes On How To Wake Up And Get Out Of Bed

UND’s new WAKE UP & GET UP program is like “trying to push a rope”.

Grand Forks, ND – The University of North Dakota has decided to offer special classes for its students on how to literally wake up and physically get out of bed.

After noticing that a majority of students were not attending early morning classes, school officials came up with the novel idea of teaching how to effectively wake up and get up especially during the hibernatory months of winter.

Ms. Camari Greer who is Acting Vice Chancellor of the Student Affairs Relations Commission tells us that sleeping in during classes is “a threat to our democracy” and “must be properly addressed in no uncertain terms”.

We asked some random students some random questions and got some very random answers:

Thiago Gawkroger who is supposedly studying Social Calculus admits to missing at least a functional derivative of his classes because “they’re just too darn early in the morning! To make it to my 9:50 class, I’d have to wake up by nine o’clock!”

Valentina Jaxon who’s planning on majoring in Art History and Art Garfunkel says that since the very first class which she did attend (but fell asleep in), she has not made it to any of the other lectures which start at 8:20 AM.

Questions for follow-up small-group discussions:
1. What do you think about this somnolent situation?
2. How do you feel about teaching classes to wake up?
3. What would you do if you were the Acting Vice Chancellor?
4. If you only had one year to live, what would you do?
5. What advice would you give yourself three years ago?
6. Is there something important you need to tell your family?
7. What’s stopping you from reaching your full potential?
8. What do you see yourself doing in 80 years?
9. What do you need to eat less of and why?
10. What are your inner voices telling you to do right now?

Area Man Sleepwalks Fargo Marathon

2.sleepwalkingFargo, ND—The annual Fargo Marathon was greeted with an unlikely participant this year as one area man haphazardly decided to not run, not jog, not walk but sleepwalk a portion of the route. Packy Backmelt, an apparent victim of sleepwalking, awoke to cheers as he zombie-walked his way past the finish line this morning. This made the Observer wonder: how did this happen?

Sleepwalkers tend to roam around in a half-conscious-unconscious state, able to manipulate doorknobs and bounce off of walls and house pets. When questioned, Packy had no recollection of the events leading up to his crossing the finish line. What he can confirm is that his house resides on one of the streets that comprised the marathon route. The Observer was forced to investigate.


Runners were polite enough not to interfere with Packy’s adventure.

What we found out was this: since Backmelt works the graveyard shift, he returned home from work promptly at 6:00am only to be greeted with pooling crowds and road closures. He was forced to park a couple blocks west of his home. The extended walk to his front door made him more disoriented than usual, causing him forget to lock his front door (as he normally does to prevent precisely this type of incident).

A couple hours after falling asleep, Packy rose from the dead and sleepwalked his way outside with relative ease. He wandered onto the street, blending in with marathon runners and other passers-by, bouncing around jauntily only to cross the finish line a half an hour later.

Marathon officials stated that this unsanctioned participant “hilariously snuck his way into the race, unbeknownst to both us and spectators alike” but they will not be charging him with race interference.