West Fargo, ND – The FM Observer, which began as a simple scribble on a soiled napkin in the dank basement of a defunct church, is so very proud and humbled to once again accept the most prestigious award for Best Website of 2019.
Because of all our faithful readers, we somehow earned this award again by being the main source of news for many people who trust us to provide them accurate information about the latest happenings in our ever-changing world of fluxational madness.
Our incredibly dedicated staff of hundreds, who sometimes sleep less than two hours per night, feel this award only motivates them more to get less sleep in the future.
If you would like to stop by our corporate headquarters to see our latest award, please also feel free to enjoy some excellent Lobster Bisque which was made especially for you!
UND’s new WAKE UP & GET UP program is like “trying to push a rope”.
Grand Forks, ND – The University of North Dakota has decided to offer special classes for its students on how to literally wake up and physically get out of bed.
After noticing that a majority of students were not attending early morning classes, school officials came up with the novel idea of teaching how to effectively wake up and get up especially during the hibernatory months of winter.
Ms. Camari Greer who is Acting Vice Chancellor of the Student Affairs Relations Commission tells us that sleeping in during classes is “a threat to our democracy” and “must be properly addressed in no uncertain terms”.
We asked some random students some random questions and got some very random answers:
Thiago Gawkroger who is supposedly studying Social Calculus admits to missing at least a functional derivative of his classes because “they’re just too darn early in the morning! To make it to my 9:50 class, I’d have to wake up by nine o’clock!”
Valentina Jaxon who’s planning on majoring in Art History and Art Garfunkel says that since the very first class which she did attend (but fell asleep in), she has not made it to any of the other lectures which start at 8:20 AM.
Questions for follow-up small-group discussions: 1. What do you think about this somnolent situation? 2. How do you feel about teaching classes to wake up? 3. What would you do if you were the Acting Vice Chancellor? 4. If you only had one year to live, what would you do? 5. What advice would you give yourself three years ago? 6. Is there something important you need to tell your family? 7. What’s stopping you from reaching your full potential? 8. What do you see yourself doing in 80 years? 9. What do you need to eat less of and why? 10. What are your inner voices telling you to do right now?
Fargo, ND—The annual Fargo Marathon was greeted with an unlikely participant this year as one area man haphazardly decided to not run, not jog, not walk but sleepwalk a portion of the route. Packy Backmelt, an apparent victim of sleepwalking, awoke to cheers as he zombie-walked his way past the finish line this morning. This made the Observer wonder: how did this happen?
Sleepwalkers tend to roam around in a half-conscious-unconscious state, able to manipulate doorknobs and bounce off of walls and house pets. When questioned, Packy had no recollection of the events leading up to his crossing the finish line. What he can confirm is that his house resides on one of the streets that comprised the marathon route. The Observer was forced to investigate.
Runners were polite enough not to interfere with Packy’s adventure.
What we found out was this: since Backmelt works the graveyard shift, he returned home from work promptly at 6:00am only to be greeted with pooling crowds and road closures. He was forced to park a couple blocks west of his home. The extended walk to his front door made him more disoriented than usual, causing him forget to lock his front door (as he normally does to prevent precisely this type of incident).
A couple hours after falling asleep, Packy rose from the dead and sleepwalked his way outside with relative ease. He wandered onto the street, blending in with marathon runners and other passers-by, bouncing around jauntily only to cross the finish line a half an hour later.
Marathon officials stated that this unsanctioned participant “hilariously snuck his way into the race, unbeknownst to both us and spectators alike” but they will not be charging him with race interference.