Tag Archives: smartphone

Teams Of Foreign Specialists Coming To Fargo To Study The Mating Habits Of Fargo Natives

Mating habits of Fargo folks to be closely examined by Dr. Abraham Notti-Figgs and his team of sexperts.

Fargo, ND Fully equipped with lab coats and clipboards, multiple teams of mating habit specialists from various foreign countries will soon be descending upon Fargo for a long-term scientific study.

Dr. Abraham Notti-Figgs will head up the research group comprised of experts from a dozen countries that are particularly interested in the mating habits of Fargo natives.

The scientific study team selected Fargo, North Dakota as the focus of their study based on numerous factors, including 1. general remoteness, 2. extreme weather, 3. excessive alcohol consumption, 4. regional birth rates, and 5. cultural diversity.

Dr. Notti-Figgs explains that their mating habit research study of people native to Fargo will be divided into three (3) main groupings:

Volunteer Video Ventures (V.V.V.)
Secret Stealth Studies (S.S.S.)
Mating Methods Matter (M.M.M.)

If you would like to volunteer for the V.V.V. study, please contact Dr. Abraham Notti-Figgs and his team.

If you would like to not be included in the S.S.S., please maximize the privacy settings on your smartphone, smart TV, and any other smart devices in your home and office.

Interestingly, all the letters in Abraham Notti-Figgs can be re-arranged to spell: Fargo Mating Habits!

Apple’s Smart Christmas iTree Is The Best New Thing For The Holidays Since Eggnog

Apple’s new iTree will change Christmas forever.

Apple Valley, CA – It was just a matter of time until Apple introduced their new Christmas iTree.

Now, for your Christmas enjoyment, you can have a smart Christmas tree which, of course, comes with a Siri.

This new hyper-functional iTree will change Christmas as much as eggnog did when it was first poured.

Tell Siri to change the look of your iTree randomly or at set times.

You can ask your new Christmas iTree how many presents are under the tree, provide the current total number of gifts for each person, what’s in each present, how much a present cost and where it was purchased, what is the meaning of Christmas, how many years ago was Jesus born, and what is the current value of Apple stock.

The new Apple iTree will also change the look of its lights, its size and shape, and even rotate to enhance your Christmas pleasure all while playing any Christmas music that you want.

Gather the whole family on the couch and have your new iTree take a picture or video of your Christmas happenings, and then ask Siri to contact relatives to FaceTime with others using their iTree!

There is really no limit to what your new Apple smart Christmas iTree can do except it cannot purchase itself…you will have to do that.

Fargo Woman Named ‘Siri’ Gets Asked A Lot Of Questions

Fargo resident Siri Kittlaus is a veritable magnet for questions throughout her day.

Fargo, ND – Siri Kittlaus, who’s been living in Fargo ever since she graduated from Concordia College, gets asked a lot of questions during a normal day.

Siri, who originally grew up in Sweden, explained to us that as soon as someone finds out her name, they usually ask her at least one question.

FMO: What are some of the most common questions that you’re asked?

Siri: Oh, it’s usually something like what’s the current weather in Denver, or how many grams in a cup of flour, and I can usually tell them the answers.

FMO: What are some frequent questions for which you don’t have the answers?

Siri: Oh, those would probably include 1. What is zero divided by zero? and 2. When will the world end?

FMO: How do you respond when someone asks if you have any good riddles or jokes?

Siri: Well, for those, I always carry around with me a small book of a thousand riddles and another with a thousand jokes.

FMO: Do you have any pets, and what’s your favorite color?

Siri: OK, I am now done answering your questions!

FM Observer’s Reader’s New Year’s Resolutions

Nunc Coepi = Now I Begin

West Fargo, ND – We recently met face-to-face with some of our faithful readers at a local alcoholic establishment to compile a list of all their top New Year resolutions.

So, in case you have not made your New Year’s resolutions yet, or just need some more good ideas, here are the FM Observer’s reader’s Top Ten list of New Year’s resolutions for the new year for you:

Change all passwords to extremely long ones.
Finish Christmas shopping by 4th of July.
Continue to volunteer at soup kitchens.
Dye hair silver to get more respect.
Purge all Minnesota Vikings stuff.
Start exercising in February.
Join a Ping Pong league.
Start clipping coupons.
Get a smarter phone.
Take more napsters.
Drink more beer.
Fight for peace.
Gain 16 pounds.

Man Who Had Just Figured Out Solution To Climate Change Problem Hit By Bus

Man with a plan no longer can remember it after getting hit by a bus.

Fargo, ND – Mr. Lonnie Clayhanger had just had the ultimate solution to the Global Climate Change problem suddenly dawn on him.

While he was then attempting to carefully walk across the street to jot it down at a Subway sandwich shop, Mr. Clayhanger was sadly hit by a driverless city bus.

Unfortunately for our entire global community, the accident has left Lonnie with acute, Level III amnesia.

As expected, the driver of the driverless bus has officially been cited for distracted driving by use of a smartphone.

Moral: Don’t cross the street to jot down your idea.

Wanting To Collect And Store Everything In Cardboard Boxes Is A Sign Of Superior Intelligence

Smart people collect cardboard boxes.

Brainerd, MN – Recent scientific studies show that people who are wanting to collect cardboard boxes in order to store all their belongings in such an organized fashion is a sign of a much higher intellect.

Dr. Debra Brosco-Dax who headed up these studies says that “our findings indicate that wanting to organize things in a collection of boxes is duplicating how intelligent brains organize massive amounts of information in one’s brain.”

The bottom-line take-away of Dr. Brosco-Dax’s research is:

If you are a person who likes to collect cardboard boxes and subsequently use them to store all your personal items, continue to do so knowing full well that you are amongst the smartest people in your community.

If saving cardboard boxes and eventually using them to get all your things organized is not your cup of tea, consider starting to follow in the footsteps of those who do, so as to at least give the outward appearance that you possess a high IQ.

If there is someone at your workplace who is constantly wanting to save boxes, begin to think of this person as one of the smarter ones in your group, and possibly ask that person to mentor you so that you can begin to follow them down the path of wisdom.

Ironically, all the letters in Debra Brosco-Dax can be re-organized to spell: Cardboard Boxes!

FMO Announces The 2018 Smartest Kids Contest

How smart is your kid?

West Fargo, ND – The FM Observer is excitedly proud to announce our 2018 Smartest Kids Contest.

“Think of this as a spelling bee but you’re asked questions instead of spelling words,” says Dr. Thomas Tuttle, who runs the Smartest Kids Contest, and who also won his age division when he was younger.

Questions can be on any topic such as current events, general factoids, members of President Trump’s cabinet, cocktail ingredients, historical facts, who’s married to whom, sports trivia, the value of PI, and much much more.

First place winners in each age group will win a trip to Grand Forks, whilst second place winners will win two trips to Grand Forks, and so on and so forth.

If you would like to participate, simply contact Dr. Thomas Tuttle with all your personal information such as name, birth date, Mother’s maiden name, social security number, bank accounts and credit cards. After that, simply start studying for Fargo’s 2018 Smartest Kids Contest!

One tip: Answers to all the possible contest questions can be found in the Fargo Public Liberry.

Fargo’s Uber Program Offers Free One-Way Jet Rides To Anywhere

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UBER: Your Personal Pilot!

Fargo, ND – After the exciting announcement that the UBER RideShare Program was coming to Fargo, the FM Observer is excited to make another big announcement:

People from the Fargo area will be able to catch a ride to anywhere in the world via a McDonnell Douglas F/A-18 Hornet.

The good news is the ride is free.

The bad news is that it’s a one-way flight, and you’ll have to parachute down to your destination.

The UBER Hornets will take off from downtown Broadway near the Fargo Theater. Pack lightly as space is quite limited.

A typical trip to Minneapolis will take about 7-8 minutes. If you want to have a real riot and go shopping at the CVS Pharmacy in Baltimore, you’ll be there in roughly a half hour. Depending on the jet stream, Australia is only about three hours away.

Using your smartphone UBER-App, simply state where you want to go and when you want to leave, and leave the rest to your personal UBER pilot! It’s better than super. It’s super sonic!

American Medical Journal Identifies New Disease Epidemic: Mediabetes

Smarter phones. Dumber people.

Smarter phones. Dumber people.

Washington, D.C. – Research from the American Medical Association has uncovered a new disease silently plaguing our society: Mediabetes. Mediabetes is defined as a condition in which the brain’s inability to produce enough of its own creative ideas causes elevated levels of moronic thoughts in the mind.

Renowned neurologist, Dr. Helena Hanbasquet, describes the recent explosion of mediabetes in the U.S. as “extremely concerning”. She adds, “The potential for complete and utter societal disintegration definitely exists. Mediabetes is not only more rampant than previously thought, it is also proving to be nearly impossible to treat. Among my colleagues, patients with the disease are referred to as BURNS, which stands for Basically Untreatable Really Neanderthal Stupid. That about sums it up.”

“We’re seeing more and more people stumbling through our emergency room doors with no discernible clue what’s going on,” says Dane Jerrus, EMT. “Most of them have lost their smartphones or tablets, which precipitates a total shutdown of all mental function. It’s like Night Of The Living Dead sometimes. Seriously.”

Dr. Hanbasquet has created the website duh.org, which offers tips for preventing Mediabetes, symptoms of the disease, and a short test to determine your risk factors. Test questions include:

Do you believe reality TV is real?
Do you tweet more than 250 times per day?
Has it been longer than a week since you spoke to a real person?

Hanbasquet urges that all Americans who still know how to read visit duh.org immediately. “Together, we can put an end to this terrible disease. Or at least pass legislation ensuring that BURNS can no longer drive, purchase firearms, post online, own a home, or procreate. Either way works for me.”

Researchers Uncover Guaranteed Method to Extend Smartphone Battery Life

"Foot did you say? Corn you hear me now?"

“Foot did you say? Corn you hear me now?”

Palo Alto, CA – Stanford University researchers have been conducting top-secret experiments in an effort to dramatically increase day-to-day smartphone battery longevity.

Scientific trials have been performed on lithium-ion batteries and how they precisely integrate with microcomputer hardware, varying from average usage as well as hipster “data junkie” interaction.

Scientists placed gleeful volunteer participants in a locked room with various models of smartphone for specified periods of time. They tested different operating systems (Android, iOS, Windows) in different climates (hot & humid/frigid/room temperature) using varied test subjects (hipsters, teenage girls, the elderly) with both regular-sized batteries and extended-life batteries.

These variables all served the experiment well, but there was one determining factor that made the biggest impact.

The institution’s findings will blow you away. Researchers concluded that the only true method to increase day-to-day longevity of your device is to—get this—use it less. Stanford University Science and Technology researcher Robert Jacobs explains:

“You can attach a charging case to the device or slap a beefed-up battery in your Android or Windows phone hardware if you want to, but both methods are still at risk for technological failure. A sudden glitch in the coding or equipment malfunction, for example. The only 100% guaranteed method of extending battery life is to put the device down and have a serious conversation with a person next to you. Don’t use it as much. Connect on an interpersonal level, not a digital one.”

As if! As if we need a renowned scientific institution to tell us to put our phones down and live our lives! We’re perfectly content with our internet addiction. We are NOT hyperconnected data junkies.