The Snow Forts For The Homeless program is a winter win/win!
Fargo, ND – All of the service clubs in the Fargo-Moorhead area are joining forces to help the homeless during the cold winter months.
Dr. Whit Emerson, who is currently serving as president of the Friendly Raccoons service club, suggested the idea of building snow forts for the homeless to his friend Mister Howen.
These two remarkable men have now consolidated the collective energy of all the service clubs in the greater Fargo-Moorhead area with the single goal of providing each and every one of the area’s homeless population with a home, at least until Spring when they melt.
Amazingly, all of the letters in both Whit Emerson and Mister Howen can be re-arranged to spell: Winter Homes!
Fargo man does not want to have to change all 420 of his clocks to Daylight Savings Time.
Fargo, ND – The owner of Ye Olde Clock Shoppe in Fargo is refusing to change all of the clocks in his shoppe to Daylight Savings Time.
Mr. Eagan Tinch who has owned Ye Olde Clock Shoppe since it opened in 1967 says he does not like being told by the government what he has to do to comply with “their arbitrary rules”.
Mr. Tinch in his own words: “I could say that I’m refusing to move all 420 of my clocks forward one hour on religious grounds, or perhaps even coffee grounds, but then I would not be telling the truth.”
Eagan goes on to explain his obstinance thusly: “I have never agreed that mankind can just willy-nilly change time from the way God intended it. Certain things should just be left alone.”
Fittingly, all of the letters in Eagan Tinch can be moved around to eventually spell: Anti-Change!
Fargo Vector Control to uphold their Socratic oath by spraying for gadflies this spring/summer.
Fargo, ND – Aerial sprayers working in conjunction with NDSU bugologists will be taking their fight to the gadfly population this summer, along with the other usual suspects: mosquitoes.
The gadfly (pronounced: gad-fly), which has been a problem since Greek times, is usually only a nuisance to livestock by biting them repeatedly until they start to totally freak out and until the livestock can no longer function normally.
However, sometimes insective gadflies can affect the human population in a very similar manner.
As Socrates once demonstrated, in some cases, a pestive gadfly can annoy and provoke humans into action by constant biting criticism.
A human gadfly is one who upsets societal normality by posing condescending questions that are intended to promote anarchy in the name of progressive liberalism.
Luckily, the Gadfly Police will be out in force also trying to rid Fargo of the human gadfly population.
I know it’s a little early but it sure feels like Spring!
Fargo, ND – Multiple reports of a robin sighting in the trees around the West Acres Mall indicate that Spring is just around the corner.
Sheila McCox who had just entered the mall’s parking lot said: “I was so surprised and happy to see my first robin that my car drove itself into a light post!”
While many welcome an early sign of Spring, others grow increasingly concerned that late January is way too early for robins to be returning to Fargo.
Chief climatologist Thiv Simpskins says: “This is further confirmation of Global Warming. It may be time to seriously start looking for another planet.”
In the meantime, Fargo residents can begin to look for more signs of Spring: 1. The returning of the Redhawks, 2. Potholes, 3. The beginning of road construction season, 4. Minor flooding (if we’re lucky), and 5. Mosquitos carrying the Zika Virus.
Temperatures are on the rise due to Spring global warming.
Globe Village, MA – Global Warmers are pointing to rising temperatures in the northern hemisphere as proof positive of deadly Global Warming.
What about the southern hemisphere?
Dr. Julian Zellus of the Global Warming Alarm Centre (GWAC) answers: “No, we are only talking about above the equator, for now. And what we are seeing is a rapid increase in average temperatures. We believe this is quite indicative of a very serious Global Warming problem caused by a build-up of toxic carbon dioxide in the atmosphere.”
Unverified statistics coming out of GWAC show there can be no denying that temperatures are on the rise. Numbers strongly indicate that after a record cold winter, the average temperatures across the country are shooting up an astounding 20-30 degrees in just one month. Dr. Zellus nervously suspects: “As the snow melts due to sudden rising temperatures, water levels will begin to rise in lakes and oceans, just as we’ve been predicting.”
What can be done to stop the pending total destruction of the world?
The Global Warming Alarm Centre is pushing for the creation of a hefty new world-wide Global Warming tax. All proceeds from this tax would go directly to GWAC to study this critical problem. But first, they would have to build their posh new Super Center Alarm Megaplex (or SCAM) which will have its own private airport: The Albert Gore Jr. International Global Warming Airport.
Fargo, ND – The dawn of spring is upon us in North Dakota. This is a welcome change to the region, but with one humongous downside: ROAD CONSTRUCTION. The ugly orange beast is making his presence felt in a major way this year. Since the snow is completely gone already, the DOT has decided to shut down traffic on every major thruway in the Fargo area starting Wednesday.
This construction season is estimated to be so brutal, experts say the mass of Cone Monsters will be visible from space. The Observer recommends that you wear sunglasses at all times as the reflection off of his scaly, orange skin will be so bright it could cause blindness. Also, please do not look the Cone Monster directly in the eye. This leaves you vulnerable to attack. Just, please, stay as far away as humanly possible from the Cone Monster. They can smell the fear on you…especially if you’re speeding through a construction zone.