Tag Archives: stock

Monkey Makes $34 Million In Stock Market From A $5 Investment

Babu is now the richest baboon in the land.

Horace, ND – A resident baboon who’s been living with some distant relatives has apparently done what no other monkey has ever done.

Babu, an eleven year old baboon, took an online stock trading account which had been seeded by his uncle-in-law with $5.00 and somehow turned it into $34,000,000 in less than twelve months.

The monkey’s uncle admitted that he had no idea Babu had the computer skills or the stock trading knowledge to do anything meaningful with the online account.

Astoundingly, Babu also had cleverly switched the stock account over to a Roth IRA, thus making the entire $34,000,000 free from any tax liability.

FYI: Babu is single, loves to peruse the Wall Street Journal, enjoys playing board games, going on long walks by the river, and later sharing sips of a large banana daiquiri with a special friend.

Fargo’s Wood-Chip-Stock Festival Attracting Some Major Attractions

This is one happening in Fargo you won’t wana miss!

Fargo, ND – Organizers of the Wood-Chip-Stock Festival could not be more excited about the line-up of bands scheduled to play at this summer’s music fest!

Chick Spotwood and Tod Powo-Schick are the co-founders and keepers of the Wood-Chip-Stock Festival.

Chick-n-Tod have graciously leaked to us the list of bands currently slated to play at this year’s festival.

Main Stage: Suns Of Beaches, High Standards, Purse Puppies, Monkey Bars, The Ben Dover Group, Sunscreen Sixty, Band For Life!

Back Stage: Cosmic Muffin, Germane, Tippy Topps, Random Dogs, Epitaffy, Ipso Frackers, Liquid Smog!

Tickets for Wood-Chip-Stock Festival 2018 are free at any place that sells free tickets, or just hack information about this incredible event off of Cambridge Analytica’s facebook page.

Ironically, both Chick Spotwood and Tod Powo-Schick can somehow re-arrange all the letters in their names to spell: Wood-Chip-Stock!

FM Observer Goes Corporate With Initial Public Offering

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Buy FMO low, sell high. Then move to Hawaii.

Fargo, ND – The FM Observer is taking its paper to Wall Street. FM Observer (FMO) stock is slated to open at $3.141559265359/share next week. Here’s a Q&A the FM Observer did with Nick Hirchert about the upcoming IPO and how he plans to use it to get us all rich as hell.

FMO: Nick, can I call you Nick?
Nick: No, you may not.

FMO: Nick, is it true that FMO is going public?
Nick:  It is! We are taking the Observer to Wall street with our Initial Public Offering.

FMO: How exciting is this for you?
Nick:  On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most excited? We want to be rich like Doc Brown from Back to the Future so we can travel into the future & do a bunch of articles about stuff that hasn’t yet happened. Then we can retire forever.

FMO: Do you plan on donating all your profits to charity?
Nick:  We will assign one charity per future-article. Each article that gets future-posted will hopefully generate enough stock dividends to fulfill the financial needs of its respective charity until the end of time.


FMO: Will you have a board of directors?
Nick:  Yes. I have appointed a board of directors.

FMO: Are any women or minorities possibly going to be on the board? Any midgets?
Nick:  The FMO Board of Directors is comprised of memes. Fictitious characters. Among them are: Douchebag Lumbergh, What if I Told You Morpheus and Conspiracy Keanu.

FMO: Where will your corporate headquarters be located?
Nick:  Corporate Headquarters is located in West Fargo, just off of I-94 near Sheyenne Street.


FMO: How rich do you see yourself becoming?
Nick:  Wealthy enough to fly a Delorean into the year 2050 to compose 10,000 articles while aging in reverse as time counts backwards to 2014. You see, when you travel through time, you age substantially, directly proportional to the amount of years through which you travel. Ergo, concurrently, from the minute you arrive into your future year, you immediately begin de-aging as time simultaneously regresses into your initial host year. Vis-a-vis, concurrently, returning back from whence you came with the same eyeballs and hairline, but unfortunately, a completely different space time continuum.


FMO: With all due respect, do you believe there’s enough pent-up demand for FMO stock to affect the earnings per share ratio?
Nick:  America is full of pent-up demand. Have you seen the comments sections of various other websites? Absolutely riddled with pent-up demand.

FMO: For stocks in general, do you agree that a double bottom’s pivot is usually the same price at the middle peak?
Nick:  Yes. If you turn on your pivot foot down low for a jump shot, release the ball at your jump’s peak.

FMO: No need to get snippy. Are you dog friendly?
Nick:  Quite.

FMO: Quite yes, or quite no?
Nick:  I happen to live with movie star Daniel Day-Lewis. He is currently in full character as a method actor for his next movie in which he plays a dog.

FMO: C’mon. Don’t bullshit me. Would you describe yourself as half empty or half full?
Nick:  My body is 75% water, 5% bonehead and 20% baloney.


FMO: Where do you see yourself in 100 years?
Nick:  As time travel proliferates and the proportions of aging and de-aging become limitless, I truly have no earthly idea.

FMO: Thank you for granting us this frank interview. Any final thoughts that you’d like to share with us?
Nick:  Yes. In the year 2193, there is a great disruption in the 17th Matrix. One of you brings a fully-cooked Hot Pocket through an equilateral time vortex, causing an irreparable tear in the Matrix and a critical disruption in the space time continuum. So please, stop buying Hot Pockets for Pete’s sake.