Tag Archives: taxi

Jimmy Kimmel Being Investigated For Using Unlicensed Monkey To Prepare His Taxes

Jimmy Kimmel’s attorney allegedly paid this monkey $130,000 to prepare Jimmy Kimmel’s tax return.

Hollywood, CA – Comedy King Jimmy Kimmel, who once claimed that he used a dog to prepare his tax return, has now been told he’s being investigated for allegedly using an unlicensed monkey to do his tax work.

Tax auditors admit the monkey is a hard worker and has built quite the monkey business; basically, whenever there’s work to be done, if monkey see it, monkey do it.

Mr. Kimmel is trying to defend his actions by claiming the monkey is considered family, as Kimmel is supposedly the monkey’s uncle.

FM Observer Asks: Do You Uber?

Uber much?

Uber much?

Fargo, ND—With Uber ride service starting soon in Fargo, the FM Observer wonders if you, the reader, Uber? We asked a handful of friendly folks if they’ve ever Ubered or if they plan to Uber:

Whackite Chlomsburger, 47, Fargo, Air-Powered Rifle Mechanic:

“Whatever gets me to the air-powered rifle shop and back at a reasonable rate is fine by me.”

Tork Chroin, 34, Fargo, Pro Thunderball Player:

“Me and the other Thunderballers can Uber to Rooters after league gets over, go HAM, get bombed, Uber back home, pass out on our kitchen floor, then wake up and do it all over again the next day.”

Clish BaBerdink, 20, West Fargo, Skater Dude:

“Next time I double-back on a reverse-toe-ball-kick ollie-flip and split my coccyx, i’ll Uber to the ER, bro.”

Phlim Daggnip, 51, Casselton, Beard Wrangler:

“I won’t be needin’ to Uber anywhere. I do all my beard wranglin’ here at home.”

Assmarina Kyros, 27, Fargo, Follicular Transplant Specialist:

“I do consider Uber a reasonable option for immediate human transport. I will Uber. Yes, yes I will Uber very much as, via court-mandated order due to lawbreak, I have been disallowed from driving.”

Noldo Pacworlder, 44, North Fargo, Zombie Apocalypse Theorist:

“The Uberers must ready themselves for the Impenetrable Quickening. When the Great Change violently imposes itself upon the human race, safe vehicular harbor will become fully mandatory. We haven’t much time. Preparations are underway. Currently, my underground panic bunker–complete with approximately 14 years worth of both sonic and explosive weaponry, dry non-perishable goods and well water–burrows 68.75 feet underground.”

Declen Millsteff-Ghristles, 31, Fargo, Church of Satan Minister-In-Training

“With the Dark Lord’s guidance, I may deftly conjure an Uber. Whatever he deems pertinent under the laws of our cherished Necronomicon, I shalt follow. Go unto him, for Satan is God! His armies shall soon rise from the bowels of Hell to cleanse the impure. So, what are Uber’s rates?”

Do you desire to Uber? Let us know in the comments!

No-Driver Taxis To Be Tested In Fargo-Moorhead

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Just imagine riding in a taxi that has no driver.

Fargo, ND – The Fargo-Moorhead area has been selected to be the main testing zone for some new No-Driver Taxis.

Driverless electric taxis were the brainchild of Jensen Torath of Stockton, California. Mr. Torath’s new No-Driver Taxis will soon be driving themselves around the Fargo-Moorhead area, hopefully taking people quickly and safely to their intended destinations.

The president of Torath Taxi Corporation says that his PRTs (Personal Rapid Transit vehicles) are precisely guided by the latest in GPS technology which works in conjunction with Google Maps. Mr. Torath tells folks to think of his No-Driver Taxis as “intelligent robots on wheels”.

This driverless taxi technology was first tested in the United Kingdom where all “the bugs” were gradually worked out. Now, they are coming back to the United States and Fargo-Moorhead is the lucky test area.

How exactly will it work, you ask? Once a Ride Request is put into the system from a person’s smart-phone, one of the driverless vehicles will swing by to pick up any waiting passengers, and then transport them to their exact destination coordinates.

How safe are they, you might wonder? “They are safe. They are very, very safe!” says Penny Nickels, the Safety Spokeswoman for Torath Taxi Corp. “We jokingly like to say that these new automated taxis are certainly safer than riding in a demolition derby with a drunk texting driver at the wheel. While their top speed is 60 feet per second, they certainly are fast enough to safely get out of the way of an on-coming freight train.”

If you and a few of your party people friends are out drinking some evening and would like a fun and free ride in a No-Driver Taxi, simply twitter a tweet to #HeadlessHorseman using your smart-phone. Then just wait a minute or two for one of the No-Driver Taxis to pick you up. Oh, and remember to fasten your safety harness in case there are any unexpected sudden starts or stops!