As a sign of friendship, some Minneapolis bars are offering Philadelphia Eagles fans a free beer.
Minneapolis, MN – Vikings fans are kindly asking Philadelphia Eagles fans to wear purple when attending Super Bowl 52 in the Minnesota Viking’s brand new stadium.
Members of the Vikings Fans Safety Committee all agree that to ensure the safety of Philadelphia Eagles fans while entering and exiting the Vikings Stadium, they should not be wearing any green.
The VFSC stated: “To atone for their sin of mistreating Vikings fans while attending the playoff game in Philadelphia, and to show they are sorry for what they did, and that they regret their stupid, misguided actions, we Vikings fans are willing to extend an olive branch in the name of safety, and allow for safe passage of Eagles fans while in Minnesota, as long as they wear Vikings purple instead of Eagles green.”
Debra Getty-Widder: NFL’s first female quarterback is more than ready to step up!
Viking, MN – The Minnesota Vikings’ quarterback controversy seems to finally be resolving itself in dramatic fashion.
Whilst Sam Bradford is heading to the Injured Reserve list, the Minisoda Vikings have signed Debra Getty-Widder who will not only be the Viking’s new starting quarterback but also the first female quarterback in the history of the national football league.
Debra was understandably unavailable for comment after fully participating in practices this week, however Coach Mike Zimmer did tell us: “Debra has done great in practice, seems to move well, and is throwing the ball very accurately. Now we just want to get everybody feeling comfortable with the new situation.”
Ironically, all the letters in Debra Getty-Widder can be re-arranged to spell: Teddy Bridgewater!
VIKINGS – With training camp and the NFL preseason in full swing, the National Football League Vikings of Minnesota are looking poised for a breakout 2014 season. The Observer predicts that the Purple People Eaters will eek out a Wild Card playoff berth via contributions from (soon-to-be) starting QB Teddy Bridgewater, All-Day AP and emerging WR Cordarrelle Patterson. This would be a major improvement over 2013’s lackluster effort. Since Brett Favre (sadly) isn’t walking through that door ever again, we’ll have to settle for 9-7, meaning a 3rd place finish in the NFC North.
PACKERS – The Packers are still loaded even after completely re-working their defensive secondary. The green and gold will squash the Purple Pride of Minnesota twice this year and end up sweeping their division with help from the Discount Double-Check and players like Eddie Lacy and the best name in the league, HaHa Clinton-Dix. 12-4 will earn them 1st place in the North and a potential first-round playoff bye.
BEARS – Chicago being a tough-guy town and all, the Bears will contend for 2nd place in their division with help from Brandon Marshall’s caught gunslings via the Cutler rifle. Check out Brandon and Jay’s on-field chemistry, not to mention poor body language. Urlacher didn’t un-retire and the secondary is patchwork, so the defense will be suspect. However, 10-6 will land them a surefire Wild Card playoff berth and 2nd place in the NFC North.
LIONS – Ah, Detroit. If an entire city declaring bankruptcy is considered a bad omen, the Motor City Kitties will be cellar dwellers yet again this season. MEGATRON (Calvin Johnson) is a robot and the richest receiver in history, making him a double-threat that could snag up to 20 Matt Stafford TD throws. Will that be enough to keep the Lions competitive? I doubt it. Detroit will finish 5-11 this year—dead last in the Black & Blue Division.
Fun season upcoming for the National Football North division of the NFC. We couldn’t be more excited for on-the-field slaughter.
Minneapolis, MN – There is much rejoicing to be done today as the Minnesota Vikings coaching staff has finally pulled the plug on the Ponder experiment. Head Coach Leslie Frazier:
“Ponder was a guy who we thought could fill the role of ‘game manager’ quite nicely. A guy who could hand the ball off on 1st and 2nd down and if we needed a small handful of yards to convert 3rd down, he could throw a quick out to the tight end. However, we’re not converting 3rd downs and Ponder has thrown for fewer yards than Adrian Peterson has run for in three of our past five games. Enough is enough.”
Coach went on to say that Ponder is “just getting in the way” and that a broomstick would serve as a “sufficient decoy”. The Vikings plan to prop up their decoy against the center, helmet dangling from the broom bristles as the center snaps the ball directly to Adrian Peterson.
Too little too late? This benching comes with only 3 games left to play in the regular season. The Vikings need to basically run the table and get help from other teams in order to make the playoffs. Starting quarterback Broom Stick will wear jersey # 13. Look for him(?) behind center this Sunday against St. Louis.
Minneapolis, MN – As the twilight years of yet another Minnesota sports team near their bittersweet end, the owner of the Minnesota Vikings is keeping the lines of communication with the fan base open. Knowing that a stadium deal will likely not get done, thus forcing the team out of town, Zygi Wilf is reaching out to fans to seek their opinion on where they’d like to see the team go and what to call it. In a statement on his website, Mr. Wilf had this to say:
Dear Minnesota sports fans,
It’s been a nice run, but as i’m sure most of you are aware, the Vikings of Minnesota are almost certainly on their way out of town. Lawmakers in the state are seemingly incapable of coming to an agreement on a multi-million dollar sports complex (which I am willing to help fund 🙂 so leave me out of this). This begs the question: What do you want to call your new team? Here are a few catchy names i’ve been batting around so far. Let me know your thoughts:
Los Angeles Blaze
Los Angeles Stardust
Los Angeles Mudslide
Or if we move to England:
Please leave all thoughts/votes in the comments section of the site. Keep your negative comments to yourself kthanksBAI.
This is a sad time for Minnesota sports. Another team jumping ship for no reason other than politics. First the Lakers, then the North Stars and now our beloved Vikings. Hey, sports teams…