Fargo, ND – Not even a handful of hours after Aunt Edna gave you that putrid, two-sizes-too-small sweater for Christmas, you are ready to return it for cash. Why didn’t you just take that money right out of Edna’s purse, you scrooge!? Ugly socks, pajama pants, Crocs, Just For Men, that movie you’ve already seen a million times and many other unwanted gifts are in hand as thousands of patrons gather at the doors of Wally World eager to trade in their crap for money.
Long lines have begun to form outside of your neighborhood Wal Mart, as is holiday shopping tradition. We interviewed a small number of disgruntled gift recipients to get their thoughts:
“I am NOT a size 4. I am EASILY a size 3, or a 2 on a good day. I can’t wear this!”
“Apparently the wife thinks my hair is greying or whatever. That’s bull. I have a perfectly natural look going.”
“This jacket won’t get me laid. It looks like something a street urchin would wear.”
These degenerates didn’t waste any time. They bolted straight for Wal Mart so they could be the first ones through the door on “Returns Wednesday”. The Observer can only hope they don’t get caught up in a money-hungry Black Friday-esque stampede that we Americans are notorious for.
For the rest of you, we wish you Happy Holidays! Pretend to enjoy your shitty gift!
Bentonville, AR – The visionary brain trust contained at Wal Mart headquarters in Bentonville, AR is setting the stage for Black Friday by implementing protective measures for their late night/early morning shoppers. Headquarters is requiring that each Wal Mart greeter be equipped with combat gear to distribute to each customer who passes through the waiting line on Black Friday.
Wal Mart is also reported to be hiring armed guards to act as aisle fight referees. These “aisle knights” will post up at the corner of every department calling off the hounds, scraping mutilated corpses off the tile and rewarding the most ferocious victor his or her merchandise trophy.
A shield, helmet and lance will be made readily available for every gladiator brave enough to venture through Hell’s portal. Warriors from all across the region are set to gather eagerly at the gates of your friendly neighborhood Wal Mart to put their fighting skills to the test.
When the smoke clears and the dust settles, there can only be one victor! This November 23rd is sure to be a battle of epic proportions! Who among you possesses the strength and fortitude it requires to decimate your way to glory? Who will hoist the coveted 30% off LED TV? Anxiousness looms in the heart of the warrior during the coming week. Dost thee rugged soccer mom have what it takes to rise above?