Soda fans line up for one last pull
Birmingham, AL—In response to CVS’s announcement that they will discontinue the sale of tobacco products at its 7,600 locations across the USA, Walmart has proudly announced that they are pulling an incredibly harmful substance from their shelves as well. Walmart will stop selling soda, effective immediately.
Retail is and has always been a copycat industry. When one company makes a savvy maneuver, another company is sure to follow suit.
“Studies have proven that the sugars and other chemicals found in soda have been and continue to be very, very harmful to the body. That is why we’ve decided to pull it from our shelves.” said company C.E.O. Jonathan Walmart, in a statement made earlier today. “There’s still plenty of damn fine carbonated beverages available to our consumers, like Sparkling ICE and what not.”
When asked about the financial implications, Jonathan Walmart said simply “Make no mistake; we’ll take a financial hit from this, but it isn’t like we’re going to go out of business or anything. Probably just have to lower our employees’ wages even further in order to keep our prices where they are.”
The Observer sees this as not a health-conscious maneuver, but yet another shameful, backhanded swipe at employee compensation.
PepsiCo C.E.O. Alexander Pepsi could not be reached for comment.
The holy day of crazy people is upon us. Reports around the U.S of fights breaking out are already coming in. The best part is, it’s free for us normal folk to watch when it could possibly be pay-per-view.
Last but not least, this guy was spotted in a Walmart parking lot looking for fights.
Washington, DC – The presidential election is finally over. Obama wins by a landslide and will continue on being President of the United States for another 4 years. However, new reports are coming in as to why Romney lost by such a landslide and Walmart is being blamed.
It is being reported that thousands upon thousands of stupid uneducated voters flocked to area Walmarts thinking that each and every one was an election polling station. Some residents even drove hours upon hours to the closest Walmart only to find out that it was indeed NOT a polling station. Walmart might offer everything, but not voting booths.
Once inside, voters went irate after learning that there were indeed no polling stations. Trampling occurred like that you see on Black Fridays and multiple people have been hurt. Two people reportedly shot. However, this quickly passed as they realized they were in Walmart and could get 50 photo sticker prints printed of their ugly and repulsive baby for ONLY $3!! What a deal!
Without all of these votes, no one will know if Mitt Romney could have won or how much more Obama would’ve beat Romney.
During the next election, Walmart plans on putting up 50ft tall bright neon signs stating that Walmart IS NOT A POLLING STATION in all Walmart locations.