“The official melting point of ice just got a little warmer.” –Algore
Meltonville, Iowa – Due to increasingly increasing high and low temperatures throughout the Upper Midwest region, unmelted ice is beginning to become the new currency in this post-Global Warming economy.
Based on his own scientific research, Dr. Gil McIntee strongly believes that people will soon be paying for all their basic survivalistic-type items with unmelted ice.
Dr. Gil McIntee in his own words: “It is entirely feasible that ice will be the new gold just as hot will be the new cold.”
Many are already seeing the ice price begin to shoot up like junkies at a needlepoint class and starting to skyrocket as if being launched from the North Korean peninsula.
Ironically, all of the letters in Gil McIntee can somehow be re-arranged to also spell: Melting Ice!
San Francisco, CA – An exciting and innovative new mobile app concept has finally made its way to the market. Get a load of this…are you ready? It’s an app that water-proofs your smartphone!! Vandelay Industries has announced and begun selling the mobile phone application entitled WATERPROOF.
WATERPROOF is designed to make your phone completely water-resistant. What does this mean? It means your phone can finally withstand exposure to liquid. Drop your phone into the toilet, sink, hot tub or bubbling cauldron of lamb’s blood and not concern yourself with the possibility of moisture damage!
The company’s Vice President, Art Vandelay, has given me the liberty of testing this revolutionary new mobile app. Let me tell you, it lives up to the hype!
I’ve left the windows open during a car wash. I’ve had lengthy phone conversations with ghosts in the shower. I’ve run my phone through the dishwasher rinse cycle to get it squeaky-clean. I put my phone in a glass of water on the nightstand before bed to silence text messages from my overly-aggressive therapist. I’ve even taken video of a snowball fight between a legion of psychotic fifth-graders in which I was caught up in the crossfire and relentlessly pelted with snowballs. After all this rigorous testing, my phone still works!
WATERPROOF uses patented Electro-Dry® technology to completely eradicate liquid molecules as they come into contact with device microchips. Simply amazing.
Folks–you can download, install and activate WATERPROOF today for the low low price of only $499.00 and use your phone near bodies of liquid worry-free!
Compatible with iOS 5/Android 4.0 and above. Not to be confused with PISSPHONE: the Golden Shower app. Use as directed.