Tag Archives: white house

The White House’s Twelve Days Of Impeachment Calendar Is The Latest Trending Christmas Gift

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Gradually open twelve White House windows to mark the twelve days of impeachment.

Washington, DC – First lady Melania is offering a superbly wonderful gift idea for the holidays.

Melania’s Twelve Days Of Impeachment Calendar is an impeccably designed likeness of the White House with twelve adorable little windows that can be opened one per day.

Share the magic of the impeachment process with your family as more and more windows light up.

Since the First Lady fluently speaks six languages, the twelve impeachment windows when opened each announce a different special message in all six of Melania’s spoken languages: English, French, German, Italian, Slovenian, and Serbo-Croatian.

If you’re looking to give the latest hotly trending gift for Christmas, consider Melania’s Twelve Days Of Impeachment Calendar.

Melania in her own words:
French: Ce calendrier de destitution est précieusement divin.
German: Dieser Amtsenthebungskalender ist von unschätzbarem Wert.
Italian: Questo calendario dell’impeachment è preziosamente divino.
Slovenian: Ta koledar obstoja je dragoceno božanski.
Serbo-Croatian: Ovaj kalendar imepmenta je dragocjen božanski.
English: This impeachment calendar is preciously divine.

President-Elect Joe Biden Vows To Make Hudge Fund Managers Take Extredable Cuts

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The Old Joe-ker has spoken!

Dem Aware, Delaware – After Old Joe Biden ostensibly slurred through his presidential kick-off speech, he was already considered to be the 2020 President-Elect.

To those foolable pundits who thought The Joe-ker slurred through his speech, they be wrong! Old clever Joe was simply talkin’ casual style, with a nice relaxed drawl, to put his listeners at ease. The Joe-ker was just tryin’ to be more relate-able to all the commonfolk out there!

Old Joe said he don’t want Obama to endorse him. The Joe-ker don’t even want nobody to endorse him, cuz Old Joe Biden want to do it all on his own, like a commonfolk kinda guy.

The clear front-runner of all Democratics runnin’ for president wants to do four things to better the country:
1. Old Joe promises to lead the Hate Trump bandwagon.
2. Make all those rich hudge fund managers take extredable cuts to their celery.
3. Hit the campaign trail to start listenin’ to all the commonfolk, touch their shoulders, and smell their hair.

Fargo Man Won’t Confirm Nor Deny That He’s Running For President

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Will I or won’t I? Shall I or shan’t I? These are the tough questions facing Fargo’s Rinfret Pounders.

Fargo, ND – At this time, Fargo native Rinfret Pounders will neither confirm or deny that he is planning on running for president of the United States in the next presidential election.

Speculation surrounding the 35-year-old Fargo native continues to swirl while a decision to run or not by Rinfret Pounders is still completely up in the air.

Mr. Pounders’ best friend and chief campaign strategist is Pruner Steindorf, who recently leaked:

“At this juncture, Mr. Rinfret Pounders may or may not be running for president. We are leaving all options on the table, if you will.”

Curiously, all of the letters in Rinfret Pounders and Pruner Steindorf can somehow be re-arranged to spell: Run For President!

CNN’s Anderson Pooper Gets South Park Award For Swearing 81 Times In One Hour

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While the moon is waxing and waning, it is never complaining. –Anthony Weiner

Cooper, TX – History was made last night when Anderson Pooper swore 81 times on an hour long prime-time show.

After Anderson decided to say “shit-hole” once, the dam had been broken, and it and variations of it were said another eighty times during his show AC360.

“Yes, it was all in response to what President Trump said earlier in the day, but that was supposedly in the privacy of the President’s White House,” says Dr. Seth Hilo, who is very smart.

Dr. Seth Hilo goes on: “What Anderson Pooper and his guests were saying was on televisions in every airport and family dining room across America.”

As for President Trump, the White House has issued this official correction: “What the President meant to say was that Haiti and all of Africa are not shit-holes, like where Oprah lives in California.”

Ironically, all of the letters in Seth Hilo can be re-arranged to spell…

President Expected To Swear More After Study Shows Profanity Is Sign Of Honesty

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I shit you not! That bitch Hillary is the one who was fucking colluding with the goddamn Russians!

Washington, DC – President Trump, in an effort to quickly increase how honest he is perceived, will not only start swearing more in his public comments and tweets, but will also encourage his entire fucking Cabinet to all start using a lot more profanity in their day to day work lives.

The President is also going to have his whole family practice swearing by playing the amazing game called Add-On Swear Word which was first introduced on the FM Observer award-winning website.

“To create a more honest country, I strongly fucking urge all Americans to swear more by playing FMO’s Add-On Swear Word game on a daily basis.”

Barron Trump, the President’s youngest son, was overheard in the White House saying: “I love this shit. This is going to be fucking great!”

Woman Claims Woodrow Wilson Touched Her Inappropriately During White House Visit

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President Woodrow Wilson allegedly groped a female visitor at White House.

Touchet, WA – A recently deceased woman claims that she was groped by then President Woodrow Wilson whilst she was on a group tour of the White House.

Ms. Gerda Powis of Touchet, Washington wrote in her detailed memoirs that instead of a group tour, it turns out she was on a “grope tour” after she somehow ended up in the Oval Office alone with President Woodrow Wilson who was only wearing a robe.

“He groped me and proceeded to touch me inappropriately against my will when I was just a young woman,” claims Ms. Powis who lived to the ripe old age of 109.

The Woodrow Wilson Administration was not available for comment however we’re assuming they deny the entire story and brush it off as being just more poppycock fake news.

Ironically, all of the letters in Gerda Powis can be lovingly re-arranged to spell: I Was Groped!

Trump To Introduce Family’s New Pet Llama Whose Name Is Dolly

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The newest addition to the Trump First Family: Dolly the Llama!

Washington, DC – Breaking from long-standing tradition once again, instead of introducing a new First Dog to the country as most presidents have done in the past, President Donald Trump and his First Family will be unveiling their new pet llama named Dolly.

As it was a gift from the Bolivian Llama Party, the First Llama hails from Bolivia where llamas are often adopted to become close members of Bolivian families who almost treat them as equals.

Dolly will freely roam the grounds of the White House for visitors to pet and perhaps even ride.

However, be forewarned that if she is overloaded with too much weight, Dolly the Llama may spit, hiss, or even kick, much like many Democrats have been doing ever since the inauguration of Donald Trump as the 45th president.

After Trump Converts To Mormonism, He Plans To Add Another First Lady

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The awkward moment when the First Lady learned she might play Second Fiddle.

Washington, DC – It has somehow been leaked that President Trump may soon use an executive order to add another First Lady to the White House after his anticipated upcoming conversion from Presbyterian to Mormonism.

Now we know what all the meetings with Mitt Romney were about. Mormons allow polygamy which would fly in the face of conventional past presidential protocol but President Trump has already been full of surprises.

Many suspect that this may be why First Lady Melania Trump has indicated that she will continue living in Trump Tower so that Donald’s additional wife (or wives) can call the White House home and thus reduce the chances of any cat fights (which would actually make for great ratings on the new White House reality show).

Sunday morning pundits are already wondering if a president’s second wife would be called Second Lady or perhaps First Lady 2.0, and so on, and so forth.

Hillary Clinton Recruiting Tech Students To Host Her Email Server

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Presumptive President Clinton ponders potential political possibilities.

Washington, DC – As the presumptive president Hillary Rodham Clinton proactively prepares to move back into the White House along with her husband Bill and his concubine Monica Lewinsky, the former Secretary of State is seeking the services of some smart, young, tech-minded students to securely store her email server in their broom closet so classified information does not fall into the hands of international hackers, or even worse, the Republicans.

The smartest woman in the world has shown a penchant in the past for using a non-government, privately maintained server when conducting official classified government business instead of one that is maintained on supposedly secure federal government servers even though her use of private messaging system software and a private server violated government procedures and federal regulations governing record keeping requirements, only because Hillary is so smart and feels she can do the job of keeping classified emails safe and private better than some federal flunkies who don’t really know what the hell they’re doing when it comes to top-secret information.

As president, Hillary wants to make sure she maintains the high security standards she set for herself while Secretary of State so she can focus all her energy on making the rich (like John Kerry) pay their fair share, rather than wasting her time testifying under oath as to how her classified emails were or were not allegedly hacked by the vast right wing conspiracy.

One Millionth ObamaCare Signee To Receive Free Healthcare For Life

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YOU might be our one millionth customer!

YOU might be our one millionth customer!

Washington, DC—In an effort to bolster support for his controversial new healthcare system, President Obama announced today that the 1,000,000th Affordable Care Act registrar will be awarded free healthcare for life.

“Unlimited doctor visits, a lifetime of x-rays, more prescription pills than your kidneys and liver can handle. They’ll fill you so full of chemotherapy, it’ll be coming out your eye-holes!” Obama proclaimed during a late-afternoon White House presser.

“The Affordable Care Act is meant to provide low-cost health insurance to many, but our one millionth customer will enjoy free MRIs, CATs, PAPs and EKGs for life,” the President added. “No paying out the ass for premiums and deductibles for one lucky Joe. No crippling debt as a result of too many doctor visits for one lucky dog. So, sign up! Let’s get to one million! Yes we can! Yes we can!”

Obama finished the press conference by throwing a handful of ObamaCare KEEP THIS COUPON tickets into the crowd. Who will be the one millionth signee? Visit www.healthcare.gov to find out more.