Tag Archives: winter

FM Observer Asks: How Fricking Cold Is It?

caption here

Temperatures are ranging from cold as shit to fucking freezing.

Fargo, North Dakota – It’s time once again for the FM Observer to shiveringly ask the proverbial question: How cold is it?

So, how fricking cold is it?

It’s so cold that polar bears are building their own igloos.

It’s so cold that hell has officially frozen over.

It’s so cold that both Russia and the USA thought the Cold War was back on.

It’s so cold that when cab drivers yell at pedestrians, their middle finger freezes.

It’s so cold that someone saw a dog trying to jump start another dog.

It’s so cold that firefighters are starting fires.

It’s so cold that penguins are putting mink jackets on lay-a-way.

It’s so cold that heating bills are arriving with a warning to sit down before opening.

It’s so cold that weathermen have started using the Kelvin temperature scale.

It’s so cold that people are playing checkers with tea candles.

It’s so cold that Miley Cyrus had to pull her tongue in.

It’s so cold that some women are thankful for hot flashes.

It’s so cold that hitchhikers are holding up pictures of thumbs.

It’s so cold that muggers are phoning in sick.

It’s so cold that people are freezing their buns when leaving the bakery.

It’s so cold that the Four Seasons Hotel is changing its name to just “Winter”.

It’s so cold that Apple has introduced the iParka.

It’s so cold that after frozen pizzas are in the oven for 25 minutes, they’re still frozen.

It’s so cold that Starbucks is serving coffee on a stick.

It’s so cold that Bill Clinton thought he was standing next to Hillary.

It’s so cold that teenagers are having to pull their pants up.

It’s so cold that cats are looking out the window from across the room.

It’s so cold that in Maine, lobsters are throwing themselves into boiling pots.

It’s so cold that Playboy is publishing pictures of women with their clothes on.

It’s so cold that a comedian was rushed to the hospital after being pelted with frozen tomatoes.

It’s so cold that commerce was slowed when some shoppers discovered their bank accounts were frozen.

It’s so cold that Kate Upton has been downgraded from “Hot” to “Tepid”.

Winter Storm Xerxes Anger & Danger

usaApril14PM1Fargo, ND – When friendly folks in Fargo, North Dakota should be hosting garage sales and planting their gardens, Winter Storm Xerxes will be extending winter…with a vengeance.

While Tiger Woods is being assessed penalty strokes down in Georgia, another 10-14 inches of heavy, wet, back-breaking snow is about to be ushered into Fargo/Moorhead with up to 40 mph wind gusts.

Grocery and liquor stores have seen a tremendous spike in business during the calm before the arrival of Super Storm Xerxes.

Near blizzard conditions are expected to reek major havoc on the area from Sunday through Monday, which unfortunately is the last day to get taxes mailed at the Post Office. Olaf Larson at the Post Office said: “This here ain’t a real good deal with Xerxes arriving on Tax Day, for sure, don’t you know.”

City officials had been cautiously optimistic about the 2013 flood situation up until now, but with megastorm Xerxes about to come a-knocking, the upcoming flood fight could be a-rockin’ with a nightmare scenario of historically bad proportions.

Dr. Sumner Watkins with the National Climatological Institute says that: “April 17, 1881 was the previous record for reaching a temperature in the 50s (or greater), but that long-standing record will be shattered this year.” Dr. Watkins thinks it might not be until May when warmer temperatures arrive. “When they do arrive, the chances become increasingly good that Fargo could suddenly reach the 70-80 degree range and melt all the snow within a few days.”

Life jackets and kayaks could soon be in short supply as a late-season MegaBlizzard could morph into The MegaFlood. In the face of difficulty, Martin Luther King, Jr. once said: “We must build dikes of courage to hold back the flood of fear” (and the fear of flood).

Fargo Weather

Hundreds of Missing Fargo Residents Found

Fargo WeatherFargo, ND – It’s been a very cold and depressing winter season this year.

This has left hundreds of out-of-state family members worried as they haven’t heard from their loves ones who live in the Fargo tundra for quite some time.

Yesterday, neighbors all around the city have started to see their neighbors whom they haven’t seen for months, crawl, hop, roll, and gimp out of their front door unexpectedly.

One neighbor described it as something out of a horror movie.

Haven’t seen ‘ol Jim in about 4 months.  Then all of a sudden there he is in his underwear rolling himself out his front door.  Looks like he hasn’t shaved in 4 months and his underwear looked to be dirty.  He looked absolutely awful.

Jim is just one of hundreds who seem to have “hibernated” in their homes this year due to the terrible winter weather.  With warmer temperatures in the horizon, these hibernators seem to have awaken from their deep sleep.

We were able to speak to Douglas Bumble who has been hibernating in his room with five blankets and an electric heater since December 1st.  He hasn’t stepped outside since.

I don’t really know who you are but I’m hungry and I’d like to tan in the sun now please.


We hope they all still have their jobs and encourage them to contact their out-of-state family members as soon as they know what month it is.

The Fargo Police Department will be following up with theses hibernators and close all missing persons reports.


North Dakota Department of Transportation Proposing Mandatory Winter Driving Courses

Shitsville, ND

Everywhere, ND

Bismarck, ND – The North Dakota Department of Transportation has released preliminary first-quarter car accident statistical report findings and let me tell you, the numbers are staggering.

The report shows that there has been a “buttload of single-car wrecks” during the first 3 months of 2013. It’s a very revealing statistic that seems to indicate how continually reckless our state’s drivers are.

These staggering numbers could very easily be blamed on oil patch-bound out-of-towners who have not yet been winterized (acclimated to the absolutely horrific road conditions North Dakota is mercilessly forced to endure) but NDDOT sees things differently. That is why they have initiated mandatory winter driving course legislation.

NDDOT wants to force all currently and potentially licensed ND drivers to pass a mandatory winter driving course as a part of obtaining a new license or a license renewal. The legislation is slated to budget extra money for changes to driving tests.

A driver must boss their way through an NDDOT-prepared one-mile portion of road that includes either fake snow during the summer or a real stretch of panic-inducing black-ice highway during winter in order to earn that license. Drivers who want the privilege to operate a motor vehicle in our state must prove that they are capable of operating road machinery during times of absolutely infuriating winter weather.

The likelihood of this somewhat ridiculous-but-kinda-sensible bill passing or even existing is not high. However, it must be stated that this is the same Republican legislature that decided they could override Roe vs Wade and basically claim eminent domain over a woman’s vagina, so a bill like this is not entirely that far-fetched.

What Came First: The Bad Driver or the Blizzard?

How did this happen?

How did this happen?

Fargo, ND – Every year at this time Old Man Winter flexes his bulging biceps. Snowmageddon wreaks havoc on us all during blizzard season. We give the blizzard a snow prediction, a warning, even a name.

Weather is happening sideways this month, striking angst and fear into the F-M area. Fear that turns to recklessness behind the wheel as we watch multiple-car pileups happen on our highways. Drivers get dumber with each passing snowstorm…or do they? Does the blizzard make us dumber or were we just that dumb to begin with? Let’s break it down…

Inclement weather causes some of us to panic. Panic makes us overreact. When we overreact, we over-correct things. Over-correcting leads to mistakes which lead to accidents while driving.

THEREFORE: Weather=car accidents. Weather caused the stupidity that caused the accident.

HOWEVER: One could argue that the person who overreacted was a horrible driver to begin with. One could say that the snowstorm was merely the jolt they needed to completely lose it and spin out into a ditch.

“You should’ve slowed down! Don’t you know any better??”

NO. They made a small series of poor driving decisions in a short amount of time due to a preexisting condition of poor judgement.

big beard = real smart

big beard = real smart

Two totally different arguments. On one hand, the weather caused you to wreck. On the other hand, poor judgement caused you to wreck. Which argument is correct? Who or what can we blame for that multiple-car pileup?

To find the answers, we asked a guy with a beard:

“People are inherently stupid. The amount of intelligence a person possesses is directly related to the amount in which they choose to learn. So, you see, the answer lies within you. Let me see your palm. Here. Eat this. It will give you the truth you desire.”

Beardo gave me what looked and smelled like illegal drugs.

So there you have it. There is no right or wrong answer− the truth lies within each and every one of us. Those are some words to live by.

North Dakota to propose changing state name to FUN DAKOTA

Fun Dakota

Fun Dakota

Fargo, ND – Here we go again. It’s the time of the year in which our great state fights the never-ending battle with boredom and exclusion. The time of year when a sheer blanket of cold will envelop our region, warding off even those brave Manitobans who dared venture southward.

It is time for the North Dakota tourism board to either get inventive or shut it all down until spring. That is why they have decided to initiate state legislature to implement a permanent name change that will once and for all upgrade the state’s name from North Dakota to Fun Dakota!

The tourism board stated that this bill, if it passes, will completely change the North Dakotan landscape for the better. Fun Dakota will become a haven for exciting wintertime tourist activity, such as:


  • King of the Hill tournaments
  • Ice mound spelunking
  • Drinking whiskey until you’re numb
  • Windshield ice-scraping competitions
  • Going to McDonald’s

The state house of representatives needs a positive vote ratio of 2/3 in order to pass this type of change into law, which the tourism board expects will happen easily.

Welcome to FUN Dakota, where the weather is cold and the girls are hot! Enjoy your stay!

Downtown Fargo In The Winter

List: Top 10 Things To Do At Home In Fargo During Winter

Fargo, ND – Follow up story to the Top 10 Things To Do In Fargo During Winter.  Here is a list of things you can do in the comfort of your own home during the winter months in Fargo.


1. Plan A Kidnapping

When the time comes, you’ll have a solid kidnapping plan in place if you ever need it.


2. Practice Your Telekinesis Skills

Once you master it, your fat ass can sit on the couch while you use your newly acquired powers to bring the food to you.


3. Hold a 20 Minute Conversation With The Wall

Probably the best conversation you’ll have all week.


4. Attempt To Learn Bird Language

Figure out what the birds are really up to.  World domination probably.


5. Get Drunk And Start A Fight With Your Stuffed Animals

Your chances of winning are high.  Self-confidence booster.


6. Spend The Entire Day With Your Eyes Closed Like A Blind Person

Live like a blind person.  Walking in the middle of the night will be much easier.


7. Count The Total Number Of Hairs On Your Arm

This will benefit your math skills.  You’ll finally have an answer for when everyone asks you how many hairs you have on your arm.  Very important statistic to have.


8. Create A Facebook Account Of Your Alter Ego

My super hero status just got legit after creating a facebook account of my alter ego.


9. Play Dead

Lay at the foot of the stairs and stay there throughout the entire day.  Ask everyone you know to stop by.


10. Perform Surgery On Yourself

Play doctor and see if you could make a career out of it on the black market.

List: Top 10 Things to Do In Fargo During Winter

Downtown Fargo In The Winter


Fargo, ND – Guess what? Acutally, don’t bother guessing. We all know because we all dread it. That’s right–winter’s here! You can literally feel your guts seize up each time you step outside. Temps across the region have dropped faster and farther than a Walmart rollback. Always the low temp. Always.

That being said, the Observer has compiled a short to-do list for the coming months in an effort to help everyone cope. Here are some fun winter activities to get you through the season:



  1. GO TO MCDONALD’S- There are 8, count ’em, 8 McDonald’s restaurants in the F-M area. This strikes me as an unnecessarily high McD’s-per-capita ratio. Compare that with only two Noodles & Co., and ZERO Tokyo Joe’s. To get a better feel for how overpopulated McDonald’s restaurants are, try this: go outside right now, turn in the direction of the nearest McDonald’s and throw a rock as hard as you can. I bet you’ll hit it.
  2. DRIVE ON THE ICE- The Earth literally turns into an ice rink here in the winter. Once the snow falls, it gets compacted into a sheet of frozen tundra that has zero chance of melting until maybe April. This makes for some exciting adventures out on the streets! Bumper cars, doing donuts in any open parking lot or getting hammered and ruining some lives all become viable options when out and about in your vehicle.
  3. NOTHING- Chances are you’re afraid of the creeping death waiting for you right outside your front door. The odds of catching pneumonia and/or frostbite after leaving the house are a solid 2 to 1 (in layman’s terms, pretty much a sure thing). So what does that leave you with? Literally nothing. Survive off of what you have indoors–just don’t bother leaving the house for fear of dying due to the wind chill factor being stuck at -50 degrees Fahrenheit all hours of the day. But, if you’re feeling brave, continue to #4 on our list…
  4. TEMPT FATE- Think you’ve got what it takes to stay alive? Go outside then. I dare you. Put Old Man Winter’s abilities to the test. But before you do, pray to the good Lord in the sky that you don’t slip on the frozen tundra, fall and break your hip because if you don’t have someone there within 5 minutes to help you into your car/house, you’re a goner. Nice knowing you.
  5. BLOG ABOUT WINTER- You have a couch? Internet access? Great! Then you can tell the internet how much you despise winter. Visit twitter.com, facebook.com, tumblr.com or the comment section of this article and jam away on that keyboard. Let your fingers go numb from an activity other than contracting frostbite. Vent your frustrations to anyone and everyone willing to hear them because dammit, you have a voice!
  6. HAVE SEX- I honestly cannot think of a better way to keep warm than rubbing your body against someone else’s. Get out there right away and find a sex partner before it gets too cold out. Trust me on this. I don’t care whether you go bareback or not–that’s your call. Anyway, here’s why: a furious makeout sesh will create friction. Friction creates heat. Heat is absolutely vital to staying alive during the winter season. It makes perfect sense! I would make a run at having intercourse at least twice per hour during winter. Just saying.
  7. EXERCISE- Did you plan on hibernating this winter? Don’t! That raises the likelihood of freezing to death. Statistics say the more active you are, the warmer you will be. I would say join a local fitness center, but that would require leaving the house. Not smart. Instead, find an in-home workout routine that’s right for you. Stretch the limits of your body. Do it for your own personal wellness, but more importantly, to survive.
  8. VIDEO GAMES- Ever heard of a little game called Grand Theft Auto? I bet you have. It’s a brilliantly engineered Playstation/Xbox game that puts you in the shoes of a deranged criminal. You can steal cars and gun down pretty much anybody you see walking the streets, not to mention all the other felonies you get to perpetrate. Wrap yourself in 80 blankets, shut off the cell phone and whittle the hours away terrorizing the mean streets of “Los Santos”. Buy GTA V if you don’t have it. The game is so addicting, you’ll be old and decrepit by the time you’re sick of it.Trevor-GTAV-BurningCar
  9. METH- Maybe you’re one of those self-destructive types who loves to gamble on your life? If Breaking Bad has taught us anything, it’s that meth is badass. You can add meth to your daily routine and accomplish nearly double the amount of tasks you used to (since sleep has now become an afterthought). Be warned, however–meth use comes with some very life-altering and dangerous side-effects. Schizophrenia being one of the funnest!
  10. SNOWMOBILE- A winter activity that is performed outside and is enjoyable?? Sign me up! Oh, wait…it’s 4,000 degrees below zero. Nevermind. But you can go right ahead! It’s like taking a jet ski on land. Dashing through the snow on a motorized sled might not be a bad time as long as you can fit 27 layers of clothing on and still manage to grip the handle bars. Best of luck with that.

Well, there you have it. I’ve given you plenty to work with this year. The list is yours–please use it. Have as much fun as you can before the river floods next spring!

Depressed Man Because It's Not Winter

Local Man Depressed It’s Not Winter

Fargo, ND – Phil McCrackin is a family man.  A man who enjoys the great outdoors, spending time with his kids, and cooking his family large and exquisite dinners.  He is also a happy man whom his friends say is one of the greatest people to be around.  However lately, there has been something keeping Mr. McCrackin down.

Mr. McCrackin has been seen moping around town the past couple weeks.  His neighbor said he saw him walking through the park with his head down, crying, and ignoring everyone around him.  Friends say they have tried calling him to get him to go out for a little bit, possibly have a beer or two, and cheer him up.  Mr. McCrackin won’t answer those calls.  We sat down with his wife to see if we could make sense of this.

“I don’t know what it is but he’s just been so depressed lately.  He hasn’t smiled in weeks, no longer makes his exquisite dinners, nor spends any times with his kids anymore.  He just locks himself in the basement with the freezer door open and fans all around him.  It’s so odd! I don’t understand what’s going on with him.”  Mrs. McCrackin proceeded to cry.

After playing Christmas music constantly and making reindeer noises outside Mr. McCrackin’s basement room door, he finally came out.  We got some time to sit down with him and asked him why he’s being such a little bitch.

“I’m depressed.  I’m not happy.  I miss winter.  This nice weather is really getting to me.  I don’t know how to continue on.  I’d rather be swimming through snow banks instead of swimming in 70 degree water.  I’d rather be driving santa’s sleigh instead of driving a convertible with the top down.  I’d definitely rather be freezing my balls off then freezing tasty popsicles on a hot day.”  His family tried to get him to go camping to try and get away, relax, and get his thoughts straight but he said he’d rather be building snow forts.

After hearing this, me and his family realized he had gone insane.  Batshit crazy.  We called the local mental hospital and had him taken away.  He was last seen knitting sweaters and singing Christmas music in the middle of May.  May everyone pray for him.

At my W.I.T.S. end

A reactive reflection of what winter does to the mind, and its timely ending.

I am finally at the end of my WITS. WITS, meaning, of course, Winter Introspective Terror Syndrome. It’s a common affliction–something we all suffer from in one way, shape or form and in varying levels of intensity. I simply gave it a clever acronym (you’re welcome!). WITS is the pit of depression these long ND winter months inflict upon us. It is the act of internal struggle that bitter cold, lack of sunshine and ZERO motivation provides. Maybe you fall into such a mundane routine of school–>do not pass go–> head directly to home OR work–>do not pass go–>head directly to home that you start skipping day-to-day activities like exercise. Or happy hour. Or even housework. It’s because the icy grip of Old Man Winter is too much to shake and his WITS has seated itself heavily upon your shoulders. Well, friends, we are at our WITS end here. Finally, as the Ides of March approaches (not to mention March Madness(!!)) we start feeling warmer temps, a little more sunshine, longer days and spring is right around the corner. Ladies, UNLEASH THE SUNDRESS! There. Better.

I can safely say that now I’m at my WITS end.