To the Conclave!! No Pope After Day 2. Come On Man!

March 12th, 2013 | by Bill Burns

My eyes are starting to get bloodshot.  I’ve been celebrating the religious superbowl.  The selecting of the new pope.

I’ve been up since Tuesday morning anticipating the conclave and the electing of the new pope.  Why?  Because there are three Americans in the running!  America!  America!

'merica! 'merica! 'merica! 'merica!'merica! 'merica!'merica! 'merica!



What?  You didn’t know?  The American candidates that have a chance of wearing an awesome pope hat, having a pope mobile, and living in a castle amongst a ton of wealth are Cardinal Timothy Dolan of New York, Cardinal Sean O’Malley of Boston and Cardinal Donald Wuerl of Washington, D.C.

Ok ok.  I don’t know who the hell these people are either.  I threw a party Tuesday night and gave out free pope hats and just cheered for ‘merica.  In fact I’m still wearing my pope hat and probably won’t take it off until they finally choose someone.  I wore it to work and thankfully nobody said a word.

I’m tired.  I’ve been partying strong about the conclave since 10 in the morning on Tuesday and I’d really appreciate it if they could finally choose someone here already.  I’m at my wits end.  I was waiting all night and then……then the black smoke….AGAIN.  Ugh! The anticipating is killing me!  I can hardly stay awake and I smell of alcohol and holy water.

The voting will continue until Saturday March 16.  At that time the cardinals will break for a day of prayer and reflection.  Maybe take a shower, take a shit, and eat.

Anyways, I’d like this pope party to end here.  I’ve poped myself out.

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Bill grew up in one of the largest cities in the United States, Maza, North Dakota. Being a cow milker by trade, it was only after stroking thousands upon thousands of cow nipples was he able to save up enough money and move to Fargo, ND. It was here that he joined FM Observer. In his free time he enjoys carving rocking horses out of wood, healing the sick, and running marathons across oceans.