Author Archives: Bill Burns

About Bill Burns

Bill grew up in one of the largest cities in the United States, Maza, North Dakota. Being a cow milker by trade, it was only after stroking thousands upon thousands of cow nipples was he able to save up enough money and move to Fargo, ND. It was here that he joined FM Observer. In his free time he enjoys carving rocking horses out of wood, healing the sick, and running marathons across oceans.


Insane Ramblings From Random Drunk Bar Patron

bar_patronThere she was.  Right there in the corner.  I knew I knew her from somewhere.  Was she supposed to be there on purpose?  Did god intend for us to meet at this exact moment?  Was this all planned?

My mind was racing.

I suppose I should go talk to her.  Nah.  Maybe after another drink.  Yea, keep telling yourself that pal.

Now i’m sweating.

What if I smell?  I can’t go talk to her if I smell.  I’d blow it.

Alright, calm.  I can do this.  I got up from my chair and slowly made my way over.

My heart was racing!  Right as the light hit her face……No!  This couldn’t be!  It was then that I had realized it was the same woman who gave me herpes a couple years back.

I immediately hung a right and out the door I went.

Questions To Ask Before Joining A Religion

Questions To Ask Before Joining A Religion Part II


Questions To Ask Before Joining A Religion

If you haven’t read Part I, then you should because it is very educational.  Below are more questions everyone should consider asking before joining a religion.


Are there mermaids?

Will peppers be readily available in the afterlife?

And television?  Free access?  Wifi?

During congregation, must I wash my hands after the bathroom?

If I choose to follow, how long do I have to follow for?

If there is a paradise, who tends the garden?

Is there any stoning?  Stoning sounds fun.  I mean awful.  It’s just awful.

What is considered ‘sex’?

Can I dress like a ninja?  All day?

Can I participate in a sacrificial killing at least once per day?

Are there any kind of spells or such things?

Are there any kind of special dances I must do?

Can I use donation money for personal use?

Will animal cookies still exist after I die?


Blarney Stone Pub West Fargo

New Blarney Stone In Trouble Over Public Urination

Blarney Stone Pub West FargoWest Fargo, ND – The New Blarney Stone is in trouble already after two patrons decided to whip out their ding dongs right there in the parking lot.

What they didn’t realize is that their ding dongs were in full view to all students outside at Cheney Middle School.

Tim Smith, 32, and James Blikart, 33 were arrested for urinating in public, public intoxication, and indecent exposure.

Lord knows what those kids saw.  Some won’t even talk.

But now the question remains, was it such a good idea to put a bar right across from a school full of children?  Did the city of West Fargo make a good decision on allowing this location?

Please post your thoughts below.  We hit the news hard!

Fifa World Cup 2014 Brazil

Screen Actors Guild To Watch The 2014 FIFA World Cup Closely

Fifa World Cup 2014 BrazilBrazil – The Screen Actors Guild, which includes popular actors such as Alec Baldwin and Sean Penn, will be watching the 2014 FIFA World Cup extra closely this year.

The 2014 World Cup games are finally underway.  Millions of fans will be either be attending the games in person or watching them on their television sets.  The screen actors guild, on the advice of Alec Baldwin, will pay extra attention to the games this year in the hopes of finding the next crop of best actors.

They state that soccer players may be the best non-professional, undiscovered, amateur actors out there due to their nature of faking dramatic penalties.

Alec Baldwin and Sean Penn have agreed to attend every game in the hopes of recruiting these amateur actors into the Screen Actors Guild.

They stated they are looking to increase S.A.G membership numbers and soccer is the best sport to recruit from besides maybe basketball.

Hungry Teddy Bear

Area Man Banned From Having Sex With Teddy Bears, Arrested Again For Having Sex With Teddy Bears

FargoHungry Teddy Bear,ND – A local Fargo man with a very long list of public indecency charges was arrested AGAIN this week for having sex with teddy bears.

Jim Hankly was arrested Thursday evening after witnesses say they saw Mr. Hankly with his pants down humping a large teddy bear in Island Park.

According to the police reports, witnesses also saw the man running in circles while humping the stuffed animal as well.  They also noted that children were very disturbed by witnessing this and may now need to be put on prescription drugs their whole life.

In 2002 Jim Hankly was arrested for humping teddy bears at the local swimming pool.  Later in 2005 he was arrested again for humping teddy bears in one of the local McDonalds.  Specifically in the ball pit.  Then for a third time, he was arrested for fornication with multiple teddy bears in front of his house scaring his neighbors.

Hankly has been arrested 6 other times.  All for public indecency charges.

While I have an addiction to gummy bears, apparently Mr. Hankly has an addiction to humping teddy bears in public.

We will follow this story as it will be interesting to see how he will be judged.  Does he belong in jail or does he need counseling?  And what about the bears?

What do you think?


Insane Ramblings From Random Drunk Bar Patron

Insane Ramblings From Random Drunk Bar Patron


It was a rainy dark night. I opened the bright bar doors.  BotInsane Ramblings From Random Drunk Bar Patronh had a green and red neon sign on it.

I walked in and sat at the bar.  The table was sticky and smelled of stale beer.  Luckily the bar stool had a back to it considering the day I had.  I was sore.

I got the bartender’s attention and ordered a tall beer.  Took a gulp of it right away.  Boy was it good.

There was a band playing in the dimly lit corner.  A slender fellow with a harmonica in his hand.  His music was very soothing.

After watching and listening to the music for a while, seven beers and a shot later to be exact, I started to doze off.  One second I heard the harmonica off in the distance, the next I hear the sound of waves crashing.  I was at a beach god knows where.  The water was crystal clear.  I had to go into it.  I walked slowly into the ocean until the water was up to my belly button.  Getting my shorts entirely wet.

That’s when I awoke and realized I pissed myself in front of everyone.


– Insane Ramblings From Random Drunk Bar Patron

World Cup Brazil 2014

9 Players To Watch In The World Cup

World Cup Brazil 2014

The 2014 World Cup in Brazil is near.  Here i’ll reveal some players that you must watch during the World Cup.


Christiano Rafeeke – That one guy who plays on that team with blue shirts.

Gerard Dominichi – That one player who kicks with his left foot.

Rooni Shikaka – Must watch!  This is that guy who ran into that other guy that one time.  Remember?

Felina Mozzarella – Another must watch.  This person headbutted that one guy once.  You know the team.

Leonardo Campbell – This is that guy who got the card taken out on him twice during that one game.  Very memorable.

Milner Jones – Everyone knows this guy.  He’s fast.

Mikey Tomahawk – Very popular.  He’s the only native american in soccer.  Everyone knows this guy.  No explanation needed.

David Lulz – He has all those commercials.  Very good player.

Dahizthan – He’s the only player with no last name and nobody knows where he’s actually from.  He got that one foul during that great match everyone watched.


There you have it.  9 of the most popular people to watch during World Cup.  I’m sure you know and have heard of all the people listed already.  Enjoy the games!

Fargo Train Station

City of Fargo Releases Pamphlet On How To Avoid Getting Hit By A Train

Fargo Train StationFargo, ND – The City of Fargo released a pamphlet earlier today that explains in detail on how to avoid getting killed by a train.

With all the train accidents and people getting hit, Fargo decided the citizens needed a dose of knowledge. They released a pamphlet that describes in detail what you should do when approaching train tracks and how to avoid getting hit by a train.

We were able to get ahold of a pamphlet and were very surprised on how little information it actually provided. Below is the pamphlet’s entire contents.



That was it. The pamphlet contains two sentences that seem to get right to the point. Hopefully this little pamphlet will prevent train accidents in the future.

Keep your eyes open, folks. Let us know if this pamphlet was helpful to you.