Butterfinger Cancels “Official Candy Bar Of The Russian Army” Contract

Butterfinger says "Nyet"

Butterfinger says “Nyet”

Geneva, Switzerland – Following the crash of Malaysian flight MH-17 over eastern Ukraine Thursday, Nestle’s Butterfinger brand has cancelled its lucrative contract with Russia’s Military as the “Official Candy Bar of the Russian Army”.

In a statement released earlier today, Nestle CEO Saul Lessman explained, “Although the details of this terrible tragedy are still unknown, Nestle and its subsidiaries have made the difficult decision to end our partnership with the Russian Military.  Our company is troubled by reports surrounding this event, and feel the Butterfinger-Army connection may be inappropriate at this time.”

Lessman was quick to quash rumors that other contracts around the world were in jeopardy.  “To our stockholders, rest assured that this incident has no bearing on Nestle’s other international partnerships.  Baby Ruth remains the “Official Pro-Life Snack” worldwide, and our Pixy Stix continue to be extremely popular as “Taliban Treats”.  Closer to home, Colorado has recently adopted Laffy Taffy as the “Official State Candy” and we are very close to a sweet deal with the Los Zetas Cartel regarding our $100,000 Grand Bar.”

After losing the coveted ISIS account to Hershey’s last month, Lessman seemed hopeful about Nestle’s future in the region. “We feel that our swift action with Butterfinger has maintained the integrity of our brand for upcoming ventures.  That’s our motto: Integrity.  Well, that and, Nobody’s Gonna Lay a Finger on my Butterfinger.”

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Contributing writer since February, 2014.