Category Archives: Entertainment

Donatella Versace Shares Her Beauty Secrets

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Donatella Versace shares her beauty secrets.

The one and only Donatella Versace

Hollywood, CA – The FM Observer’s Hollywood reporter, Tojo Saxton, caught up with the most beautiful Donatella Versace for a fun and informative interview. Enjoy!

Tojo Saxton: Thanks for getting together! How have you been?

Donatella Versace: Oh, me be so busy…sooo busy!

TS: Oh? What have you been so busy doing, Donatella? Wanna tell us?

DV: Yes! Me be working on new line of beauty products that make people look reeeal nice, you know?

TS: Well, honey, you should know! Many consider you to be one of the most beautiful women on Earth. In fact, some think you’re so hot that you’re the cause of Global Warming!

DV: Oh, no. But you sooo nice. Thank you. (chuckle chuckle)

TS: Do you have any beauty tips that you would care to share with all ten of the people who will read this wonderful interview?

DV: Well, plenty of sleep is very important, especially if you tired. Me eat lots of Outshine Fruit Bars and only drink Angry Orchard Crisp Apple Ciders.

TS: All of a sudden, I feel like we’re in the movie The Truman Show.

DV: Oh, no, me don’t know about that.

TS: So, Donatella Versace, my readers will never forgive me if I don’t ask you this one question: Have you ever had any work done by any plastic surgeons?

DV: No. Nothing ever done by any plastic sturgeons, but me has gone to see my beauty doctors.

TS: And would you say that your “beauty doctors” have helped you become as beautiful as you are today?

DV: Oh, yes! Me used to not be so beautiful and they tell Donatella they can make me look sooo much more beautiful.

TS: Well, it certainly has paid off for you. And hopefully this interview with the one and only Donatella Versace will pay off for me. Thank you sooo much for sitting down face-to-face to answer a few questions.

DV: Oh, this is not a problem. Donatella love sharing her beauty tips for your website. What is your website again?

TS: I write for the FM Observer.

DV: Oh, no, Donatella never heard of that one.

Read Tojo Saxton’s hard-hitting interview with Tom Cruise about Scientology being a hoax!

Titanfall

Respawn Lays Out It’s Future With Titanfall

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TitanfallIn a recent post, Steve Fukuda discussed the developer’s point of view to supporting the future of Titanfall and offered some insight as to what to expect.

Some of these is the promise of ultimate transparency.  They stated they want to let its fans know exactly what to expect.

“We tend the garden and keep the weeds out,” Fukuda posted.

What he actually means is that the current employees (former infinity ward employees) will be required to update the game with the most minimal changes possible.

“Yes.  Our 10 year future of Titanfall releases looks fantastic.  We have made one game now.  Now all we need is a sequel with some added gameplay and you’ve got yourself a series! Once the second game is released, it’s hookers, blow, and suitcases full of quaaludes for the following nine years.”

“Any new and exciting ideas for future releases?”

“Yes of course! By game two we have many scenes created.  We can now just take those same scenes, add some new textures, and create new scenes from those in no time flat.  That means tons of new scenes and textures for our fans.  We will also think about adding titan customization features.  Those will require in-game micro purchases, of course. Lastly, we will just literally try and do the least amount of work possible on future releases so we can continue to sell you the same game for the next 9 years.  We call it “The Call of Duty Format. DLC content will be available for a fee on day one as well.”

The developers got the last word and here is what they stated.

“We think you will love the Titanfall series and hope to see you continue buying the same game every year for the next nine years. We love your delicious tears……..but we love your money even more.”

 

**Job Opening – Grammar Police**

Please leave any grammar mistakes you may find in this article in the comments section below.  Thanks!  Your work is much appreciated!

FM Observer Announces Summer Camp 4 New Observers

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You will love spending time with Mother Nature and her mosquitos will love you.

The FM Observer is excited 2 announce FMO Summer Camp. If you like 2 have a good time and are considering satirical writing as your chosen profession, then this camp is totally 4 you. This year’s exciting theme is: Imagine The Possibilities!

Each camp outing is a full 1-day experience which is cleverly sandwiched between 2 nights of sleeping in a tent. Here is the likely schedule 4 your full day of training…

DAY BREAKER (at Sun Rise)
Meet & Greet/Coffee & Name Tags: This is a chance 2 suck down some hot java, shake off the cobwebs, make some good first impressions, and try 2 find your phone. Each camper makes their own nametag by using a wood burner on a thin slice of authentic birchwood, which is then held around your neck with a real leather cord!

EARLY MORNING SESSIONS (All sessions are taught by various FMO Staff Members, sometimes decided by a last-minute coin flip, or by process of elimination.)
1. How 2 Observe: The basix 4 success in this biz.
2. Beginning Satire Training: What is and is not Satire?
3. Advanced Satirical Engineering: Some real exciting stuff!

LATE MORNING SESSIONS
4. How 2 Show Confidence: Attitude is everything.
5. Knowing Your Audience: Relationship building 4 life.
6. Expect The Unexpected: Always be prepared 4 anything.

LUNCH BREAK-OUT SESSION
7. Dealing With Twitter Trolls: Criticizing your critics.

EARLY AFTERNOON SESSIONS
8. Know The Difference Between Your/You’re
9. Know The Difference Between There/Their/They’re

LATE AFTERNOON SESSIONS
10. How 2 Be A Gladiator: Become a real fighter.
11. Focusing On Viral Content: Always think big.

EVENING GETOGETHER
12. AfterGlow: Caring & Sharing/Issues & Tissues
After an in-tents day of training, campers are encouraged 2 share their feelings about what they have been exposed 2 and how they are internally processing it all. Also, if you have ever been convicted of a felony, this would be a good time 2 discuss it.

LATE NIGHT BREAK-OUT SESSIONS
13. Understanding FMO By-Laws & Their Nuances: Some important stuff 2 know.
14. How 2 Know When A Bonfire Is Out-of-Control: This is a great reality check.

Disclaimer: By attending FMO Summer Camp, this in no way guarantees that you will become an official FM Observer. Only the best & brightest are then possibly selected 2 undergo an intense battery of tests 2 determine if they can go on 2 the next level of selectability. No bullying by campers will be tolerated unless it is during a bullying role-play exercise that is held as a part of a legitimate supervised training session. Also, each camper will need 2 bring with them their own food, beverages, tent, and camping supplies. They will also need 2 bring $500 cash in a sealed envelope 2 pay 4 the training sessions. No guns of any kind will be allowed on the premises. However, if FMO Summer Camp is attacked by bears, coyotes, or wolves, anyone with some other type of weapon that proves 2 be effective against the wild predators will score some major points with the FMO Staff.

New Luxury Apartment Complex Resembles Stairs

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New modern apartment complex built to resemble a flight of stairs.

Modern new apartment complex in Dubai built to resemble an actual flight of stairs.

Dubai, United Arab Emirates – In the city where architectural rules are regularly being broken and rewritten, Dubai has now introduced yet another new trick.

Luxury apartments known as the “Stairway To Heaven” are now being built in a tiered-fashion to look just like a flight of stairs.

The architect who first came up with the idea is Shimo Zukushichi, the head of Zukushichi Architectural Productions (ZAP).

Shimo says the idea zapped him while he was walking up a flight of stairs in a New York hospital during one of his many recent detox sessions.

During a special moment, Shimo asked himself: “What if we built luxury living spaces like steps, where one person’s large patio deckage was another person’s roof?”

Inside view of the "Stairway To Heaven".

Inside view of the “Stairway To Heaven”.

President of Interiors By Dame, Dame Chambers, says: “The interiors are absolutely exquisite–very Trumpesque. Plus, each patio area can double as a helipad for easy walk-in access to your ‘Step’. Shimo and his people at ZAP should be very proud of themselves.”

Shimo says the price-point for the “Stairway To Heaven” Steps will be in the $20-$25 million range. After the “Stairway To Heaven” project has been completed, Zukushichi Architectural Productions is planning future projects that looks like a coffee table, a chair, and a pizza.

Billy Bob Thornton Buys Haunted House Near Fargo, ND

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Billy Bob has found his new haunt.

Billy Bob finds a new haunt.

Moorhead, MN – Billy Bob Thornton said it was “destiny” when he came across an article describing a haunted house for sale in Moorhead, MN, located just across the river from Fargo, ND. The star, whose affinity for the macabre is well known, was quoted exclaiming, “Sheeet yeah, that place is straight-up Billy Bobscene, y’all.” He then proceeded to grab his pet Python, Fang, along with a bottle of whiskey and jump into his helicopter which whirred off into the night.

Apparently, Billy Bob has been looking for a unique home in the Red River Valley for months. After clinching the lead in FX’s upcoming series, Fargo, the actor began searching for what he called, “A place to dig in and develop my character’s roots. Plus, I gotta get that accent down, you know? I’m all southern-trailer-park-redneck and my character is northwoods-ax-murdery-dude. Hell’s bells.”

Moorhead locals near the notoriously wicked haunted house have mixed feelings about their quirky new neighbor. Area resident, Patty Berger said, “Well, when you’ve been living next door to Satan’s sanctuary, it’s hard to see how things could get much worse. Still, better the devil you know than the devil you don’t, right? I guess all we can do is hope for the best. Some Hollywood kook who’d wear blood around his neck might be just creepy enough to scare out those damned demons. God help us if he can’t do it.”

Billy Bob's House

Haunted house

Reps for Mr. Thornton would not confirm the actor’s current whereabouts, but sightings have been reported in and around Fargo-Moorhead for weeks. When asked if she had ever actually seen Billy Bob, Patty Berger looked up at the sky quizzically. “You know, come to think of it, I might have. I saw a strange man on the sidewalk a few days ago with a snake over one shoulder. He was a little guy…kinda funny looking.”

Is it solid proof that the celebrity has taken up residence in his new haunt? Probably not. Are folks up here prrrrreetttty sure that Billy Bob’s “In Da House”? Oh, you betcha.

leatherman charge tti

Multi-tools Review

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If you didn’t know, I just recently got back from a trip to the Democratic Republic of Congo.  I have been looking at vacation/retirement property there for a while now.  During my trip I got to use a variety of different multi-tools.  Below I will show the ones I had the pleasure of using and then make my own suggestions on how to improve it.

1. Leatherman Charge TTi

leatherman charge tti

When Leatherman made the Charge TTi, they combined all of the most requested features into one functional tool. The TTi’s premium comfort-sculpted titanium handle scales and an S30V® stainless steel clip-point knife to really take this multi-tool to the next level. Who says a multi-tool can’t be sexy?

  • PRIMARY BLADE LENGTH: 2.9 in | 7.37 cm
  • CLOSED LENGTH: 4 in | 10 cm
  • WEIGHT: 8.2 oz | 232 g

Suggestions To Improve: Add a gas powered chainsaw.  Situated next to the minisaw, Leatherman should add a real gas powered chainsaw to its blade arsenal.  The minisaw is not suitable to cut down large adult trees.  When your life is on the line lost in the wooods, building a tree house is your first priority and a gas powered chainsaw will help you do just that.

 

2. 4-In-1 Woodsman

zippo multitool

Woodsman 4-in-1 Tool. It chops, saws, pounds and pulls. An Axe, Bow Saw, Mallet and Stake Puller… you get them all! So you can cut through a tangle of brush and tree limbs, set up and take down a tent or blind, and conquer just about anything else that crops up when you’re in the wild. From camping to survival: Steel Hatchet has 5″ blade; 15″ Bow Saw cuts oak up to 4″ in diameter; Mallet helps you put up tent in a hurry… even when ground is hard; Stake puller gets you on the road sooner.

  • Product Dimensions: 2 x 21 x 9 inches ; 3.4 pounds

Suggestions To Improve: I think the only thing missing from this bad boy is to add an electric leaf blower.  When camping out in the wild, there are always those pesky leaves falling around your campsite.  With this, you would never have to worry about a leaf ridden camp site again.  It will also work as a bear protector.  If a bear stumbles upon your campsite, blowing leaves at him has been proven to be an effective solution.

 

 3. Trucker’s Friend Survival Tool

Truckers Friend

The USA-made Trucker’s Friend is an all-purpose tool, built tough and specifically designed to meet the needs of professional truck drivers. But it’s so much more. In any situation that requires hacking, prying, pulling or pounding, you will feel real peace of mind with this serious tool on board. The Trucker’s Friend is backed by a no-hassle Lifetime Replacement Guarantee.

  • Handy all-purpose hand tool designed for professional truck drivers
  • Cut branches, pry loose nails, chip away hard-packed ice, and more
  • Includes curved axe, spanner, hammer, nail puller, tire chain hook, pry bar and lever
  • Shock-absorbing power grip and fiberglass handle
  • Made in the USA

Suggestions To Improve: This handy dandy ax is the perfect truckers companion.  Adding two katana blades would complete this multi-tool.  When the axe portion of this multi-tool doesn’t work fighting off multiple robbers, disengaging the katana blades will make quick work of your attacker.  Push button pepper spray added to the top of the axe would allow you to blind your attacker before cutting him apart with an axe.

 

4. Tactical Tomahawk

tactical tomohawk

The original Vietnam Tomahawk, SOG’s F01T-N Tactical Tomahawk is the latest incarnation of one of history’s most unusual weapons. This versatile piece of equipment handles a number of tasks including excavation, operations breaching, obstacle removal, and extraction, which makes the F01T-N an ideal tool for military and service personnel.

  • Use this versatile tool for breaching operations, excavation, obstacle removal, extraction, and other utility applications
  • Glass-reinforced nylon handle with 2.75-inch stainless steel ax head
  • Tough ballistic polymer handle and nylon carry sheath
  • An innovative, updated version of the Vietnam Tomahawk
  • Length: 15.75-inches; weight: 24-ounces; lifetime warranty

Suggestions To Improve: A tomahawk tool is a must have survival tool.  When you’re lost in the woods, this tomahawk is the perfect companion to take over villages or little cities along the way.  I’d like to see a specialized gland or pouch attached to the bottom of this tomahawk to deliver a healthy dose of venom to the blade.  This way, when you’re slicing your way to conquest and victory, your victims have a chance of dying a more terrible death.

Upworthy

Upworthy Headlines That Never Made The Cut

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Upworthy

Upworthy is a website that uses click-bait titles to drive people to click their links. These are some headlines that didn’t make the cut.

George had a cyst on his balls. You won’t believe what happens next.
Sam got run over by a train. What he didn’t say will shock you.
Sarah didn’t like her boyfriend. What she did to his genitals will make you happy.
Jim crapped his pants. The next sequence of events will disturb you.
She killed her husband. What the deceased man said next is jaw dropping.
He was addicted to drugs until a smiling elephant with a hat and a bow tie changed his life.
What this baby produces in his underpants will scar you for life.
Man sticks head in alligator. You will not believe why someone told him not to.
Man dresses like woman. Acts like a woman. Is he a woman?
Jon was helping Jim with his wardrobe malfunction. He put what where?
This is the greatest video to ever exist so watch it.
Everyone has secrets. See what this Alien had to say.
This tampon commercial will blow your mind.

FOX finishes production on zany “Bachelor”-themed reality show

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accused-sean-bean-transsexual

Los Angeles, CA—FOX Broadcasting Company has officially declared it’s ready to compete for a share of the desperate female viewer demographic. Executives noted they have completed filming for a sensational new show titled, The Singleton.

In a press release this morning, FOX representatives indicated they’ve wrapped the first 5 seasons of their new Bachelor-themed reality dating program. Why did they secretly knock down five seasons at once, you might ask? Read for yourself:

“The Singleton – A scintillating new dating reality show is coming to FOX. The Singleton will feature a single male alongside 12 would-be mates vying for his love. But there’s a catch: Six of the contestants are women and the other six are—unbeknownst to the male—post-op transvestites! Who will our singleton pick? Will he pick a woman? Or will he pick a wo-MAN?! It’s The Mole meets The Bachelor, coming to FOX this fall! Check your local listings.”

The show’s narrative will provide the viewer with knowledge of who is who, so thankfully we won’t be left in the dark. How exciting! Finally a dating reality show worth watching; one in which the male could end up with a cleverly-disguised RuPaul. This show is poised to teach us a great deal about what personality means to overall sexual attraction.

[polldaddy poll=7856176]

FOX Cancels 28 Shows To Make Room For Two And A Half Men Reruns

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Los Angeles, CA—The brain trust at FOX Broadcasting Company has been busy reworking their primetime television show lineup. A total of 28 nighttime sitcoms have met the chopping block in a space-clearing effort as more Two and a Half Men reruns make their way to syndication.

Among the canceled titles were these popular shows:

  • Mortuary-Scene-Automaton-InteriorTwo Franks, One Amy and a Mortuary – This ill-advised “Two Guys, One Girl and a Pizza Place” spinoff was dead before it arrived (which could be why it was set in a mortuary).
  • chrisChris, The Upwards-Walking Clydesdale – America just wasn’t ready for a rip-roaring sitcom about a talking horse who walked on his two hind legs  😐
  • realtyRealty Check – What do you get when you put cameras inside a realtor’s office, an office in which much of the staff is usually not present due to their busy off-site schedules? Evidently, you get a poorly-conceived ripoff of “The Office”.
  • jaredMy Hair Friend – Take a journey through the life and times of Jared, a jovial-yet-psychotic man who hoarded all his haircut clippings, face shavings and manscapings to create with them a life-sized version of himself. Spoiler alert: The journey ends in the FOX tv show graveyard.

These gems didn’t hold their luster with FOX executives, who know how to cash in on syndicated reruns. Let’s hope cult classic My Hair Friend shows up on Netflix really, really soon.

Free Personalized Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas

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There are infinite ways to say I Love You.

Valentine, Nebraska – With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, the mad scramble is on to buy prickly thorned roses and chocolate covered teddy bears for all the lovely sweethearts.

Others are desperately seeking alternative gift ideas to show their love and affection, such as a gift certificate to Victor’s Secrets, or a year-long membership to a shooting range, or a Hearts-On-Fire blood diamond.

The FM Observer has an idea for a fun and creative present for your Valentine.

At the Acme.com Heart Maker website, you can make Valentine heart candies with whatever personalized message you want on them.

Once you’ve created your messaged candy in whatever color combination you want, then right-click, save it, and send it to your Valentine.

Heart Maker

The Acme.com website also has a license plate maker website for an additional creative way to express your love.

Happy Valentine’s Day from the FM Observer. And remember, every day should be Valentine’s Day!

License Maker

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The FM Observer wishes you and yours a very nice VD!