Category Archives: National

Walmart Polling Station Election 2012

Walmart to Stop Selling Soda


Soda fans line up for one last pull

Birmingham, AL—In response to CVS’s announcement that they will discontinue the sale of tobacco products at its 7,600 locations across the USA, Walmart has proudly announced that they are pulling an incredibly harmful substance from their shelves as well. Walmart will stop selling soda, effective immediately.

Retail is and has always been a copycat industry. When one company makes a savvy maneuver, another company is sure to follow suit.

“Studies have proven that the sugars and other chemicals found in soda have been and continue to be very, very harmful to the body. That is why we’ve decided to pull it from our shelves.” said company C.E.O. Jonathan Walmart, in a statement made earlier today. “There’s still plenty of damn fine carbonated beverages available to our consumers, like Sparkling ICE and what not.”

When asked about the financial implications, Jonathan Walmart said simply “Make no mistake; we’ll take a financial hit from this, but it isn’t like we’re going to go out of business or anything. Probably just have to lower our employees’ wages even further in order to keep our prices where they are.”

The Observer sees this as not a health-conscious maneuver, but yet another shameful, backhanded swipe at employee compensation.

PepsiCo C.E.O. Alexander Pepsi could not be reached for comment.

Super Bowl Pizzas Delivered By Drones


Pizza delivery via drone

Domino, Texas – If you didn’t already want to order a pizza today for the Super Bowl, you might want to just for the experience of drone delivery.

All across the nation, Domino’s Pizzas will be delivered by their new Domicopters, which were recently tested in the UK. “People here bloody loved it!” said Max Tunage, a virtual nobody with whom we spoke.

As soon as your pizza is done cooking, you will be sent a text message informing you that your pizza is en route to your front door and will be there within seconds.

If you’re not standing outside to personally receive the delivery, your phone will ring indicating that your pizza has arrived and is sitting in the middle of the street.

Domino’s Pizza expects to deliver 110000000 pizzas on Super Bowl Sunday, and they honestly don’t know how many zeros are after the eleven. Call now to pre-order your drone delivery!

Maui Parrot-Fish Learns To Speak Fluent Underwater English

Hello. Will you be my friend? Pardon my fishy smell. Want to play with me?

Hello. Will you be my friend? Pardon my fishy smell. Want to play with me?

Maui, Hawaii – Everyone told him it couldn’t be done. No, you can’t train a parrot-fish to speak English, you silly boy! That’s when he wished that someday he could prove them all wrong.

Twelve year old Koka Pakalolo had always dreamed of having a fish that he could talk to, but all he ever heard was that it was just a pipe dream.

Growing up on Maui, Koka had swum with fish since he was baptized. He didn’t know that fish could not speak. Koka Pakalolo just assumed that everything could talk.

One day while snorkeling with his favorite parrot-fish, Koka’s wish came true. His dream became reality when the parrot-fish bubbled into his ear: “Hello! What’s your name?” Koka simply responded: “My name is Koka Pakalolo.”

Nigerian Prince Email Scam Academy Set to Launch This Spring

nigerianNigeriaA country in Africa that is widely-known as a haven for princes-turned-internet scammers is slated to open its first internet-based scam academy this April. The Nigerian Scam Academy (NSA) is now accepting open enrollment for online courses in Spam Arts.

Nigerian Prince Jackson Kumalo is the Dean of Admissions at NSA. He says anyone who wants to learn how to scam the elderly should join the academy post haste:

“Our institution is excited to begin breeding Princes of Spam. Each student will be given a bogus email address, phone number, home address and Western Union wire transfer account. In addition, students will have access to hundreds of millions of dollars in play money with which to lure unsuspecting victims. Upon completion of the academy, graduates will be awarded a Certificate Of Unauthenticity and granted access to our exclusive database of gullible elderly. Sensational! Any and all who wish to become a Nigerian Prince con artist are urged to join.”

Kumalo then informed me that his grandfather had recently passed away in the Great African Tsunami and had left behind a small fortune; money that Kumalo is unable to keep for himself due to his noble status. He is offering a reimbursement of tuition amounts for all who join the academy:

“Join the NSA before enrollment closes and you will be awarded a substantial portion of Grandpa Kumalo’s inheritance, may he rest in peace! It is $5,000 USD to join. Please wire this money to my escrow, Bob Smith, and I will reimburse you that amount and an additional $10,000 in inheritance! Please do so before enrollment closes. Please help.”

Enrollment is open now until the open of spring semester, April 1st. Visit to join. Please help.

North Korean Glee Club To Tour America

caption here

North Korean National Men’s Glee Club will tour the USA with Dennis Rodman

Pyongyang, North Korea – The North Korean National Men’s Glee Club will soon be coming to the United States.

In a deal recently hatched by North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un and U.S. Envoy Dennis Rodman, the impressive singing group will be touring all 57 states in America.

As a special gift from North Korea’s Dear Leader, Kim Jong Un has declared that Dennis Rodman will act as official tour host and defection chaperone.

The tour dates for each state will be announced once Dennis Rodman completes his required detox and rehab stemming from a recent run-in with the law.

The North Korean National Men’s Glee Club, under the direction of Mr. Sing Long Song, will be performing works which have all been written by Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un. Each song is about twenty minutes long. Some song titles include: We Love Kim Jong Un, Kim Jong Un Is Great, Dennis Rodman Is Our Friend, and We Have Nukes So Watch Out.

Travelling throughout the country by bus, each singer will be staying in host-family homes. If you are interested in hosting a singer, or want more information about this exciting tour, please contact Dennis Rodman at 1-800-THE-WORM for more specific details.

Fargo Proud To Be Named Drunkest City In America

The drunker you live here, the longer you get.

The drunker you live here, the longer you get.

Fargo, ND – Fargo is proud to recently be named the drunkest city in the nation.

How proud is Fargo of this new distinction? So proud that the Fargo City Commission immediately passed a unanimous resolution declaring Fargo’s new slogan to be: Fargo is the Drunkest City in America!

National pollsters who came to Fargo said that virtually everyone who was interviewed admitted they had engaged in binge drinking at least five times within the past week.

Even more surprising was the fact that 80% of the people who were randomly selected to be questioned were drunk at the time of the survey.

One Fargo resident involved in the survey was Curby Feelers who said: “Just because I’m drunk, don’t mean I’m stupid.” Curby then proceeded to walk into a large tree that jumped out in front of him.

All of the other cities and towns on the National Drunk List were considered amateur compared to Fargo. The survey said: “When it comes to getting and staying the drunkest, Fargo is in the professional category.”

Now, let’s all fill our mugs, and toast to Fargo! The most bad-ass drunkest city in the United States of Beermerica!

Recreational Use of Alcohol Now Legal In Colorado

A happy Colorado citizen, drunk off of legally-purchased alcohol

A happy Colorado citizen, “drunk” off legally-purchased alcohol

Denver, CO—At the turn of the new year, legislation passed in the state of Colorado permitted  “liquor stores” to begin selling alcoholic beverages over-the-counter directly to citizens. This has infuriated MAID (Mothers Against Impaired Driving), who think that this move will open the floodgates to thousands upon thousands of alcohol-related deaths due to over-consumption of the drug, not to mention the increase in motor-vehicle casualties caused by intoxicated driving.

MAID has been fighting the good fight against stoned driving ever since its founder’s son was killed by a stoned driver, a driver who obtained the drug legally via one of the thousands of pot shops where marijuana is and has been legal to buy since prohibition ended in 1933. On a yearly basis, the nation does experience a handful of marijuana-related vehicle fatalities, but as of press time, there have been zero cases of overdose.

Alcohol, if illegally consumed at too high a quantity over a short period of time, can be fatal. It can also severely impair one’s hand-eye coordination. It is said that a mere 2 drinks consumed in under one hour can hinder one’s ability to safely operate a motor vehicle. Now, with easy accessibility of tasty alcoholic beverages, cases of alcohol poisoning and driving while intoxicated in Colorado are set to skyrocket.

Political analysts cannot even fathom how Colorado was able to pass this legislation. They say that even with no proven medicinal purpose, demand for legal recreational use of alcohol has increased substantially over the years leaving state lawmakers no choice but to decriminalize.

Meet the Press’s Gregory David:

“This new legislation will turn disastrous for Colorado. Its roads will become a haven for vehicular manslaughter and its people will start dying at insane numbers due to overconsumption. Colorado will become the most ridiculously dangerous state in the union now that alcohol is legal.”

Chris Christie: “I want to eat more voters in 2014”


Cannibal? Or just hungry?

The FM Observer was granted permission to speak with currently-seated New Jersey Governor Chris Christie (R). In a recently staged phone interview, the Observer asked a series of questions pertaining to his political practice, a future presidential run, and the status of hurricane Sandy relief:

FM Observer: First and foremost, as many in the political circle are wondering, are you preparing a campaign for President in 2016?

Governor Christie: “President Christie. That has a nice ring to it! But we’ll see. Nothing engraved in stone at this time.”

FMO: In your opinion, is humanity as a whole moving in a positive or negative direction?

GC: “I think that from a political standpoint, we, as a species, are stagnating. There have been equal amounts of progression and regression—specifically in the realm of human rights—abortion rights and gay rights in particular. With all due respect to our political party and the GOP, I have to say we’ve been sticking our pudgy little sausage fingers where they might not belong. That’s something I intend to work on in my political future.”

FMO: What has been your biggest accomplishment so far?

GC: Let’s see (long pause)…my cooperation with President Obama during the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy was huge for me. A republican working alongside a disgustingly liberal democratic President to provide quick and sustainable emergency relief to the citizens of our great state was pretty remarkable.”

FMO: The end of 2013 is upon us, and what a year it’s been. Moving forward, what key political strategy would you like to employ as governor in 2014?

GC: “I want to reach out directly to the residents of New Jersey. I want to try to be more accessible, you know? I want to eat more voters in 2014. No, i’m sorry. Scratch that, ha ha—I want to meet more voters in 2014 (BURP). Oh my god, I can’t believe…I… i’m so embarrassed.”

A classic Freudian slip from Governor Christie, who has admittedly struggled with weight gain in recent years. Christie apologized profusely for the slip, reiterating that he does not wish to consume human flesh. He then stated off-the-record that he was distracted over the loss of hit television show “Breaking Bad” and the elimination of many starches from his diet. He then ended the interview.

Get Your Ass To The Moon Soon

Why do you think they called him "Buzz"?

Why do you think they called him “Buzz”?

Los Angeles, CA – At the swanky home of Sir Ashton Kutcher, plans are well underway to begin the Earthification of the Moon.

Ashton Kutcher and Buzz Aldrin are self-appointed co-chairmen of the Moon Earthification Project.

Even tho they don’t agree on every detail of Project Moon, one thing they do agree on is: “Once we’ve established a McDonald’s restaurant on the McMoon, then everything else can build off of that. As long as early Moon workers can go get a few McNuggets and a McFries, things should start to seem Earthly” said General Kutcher to the Moon Project Groupies.

Red-eyed Buzz Aldrin then went on to describe some of the other exciting plans: He will be opening a large moon bar called “Just Buzzed”.

His friend, Neil Armstrong, along with the Michael Jackson Neverland Foundation, will be building the Moon Walk Mall, which Donald Trump says “will be fabulous”.

Moon Unit Zappa, daughter of the late great Frank Zappa, will be naming each new community Moon Unit #1, Moon Unit #2, and so on, and so forth.

The Chinese have already begun construction of an exciting series of Olympic-style Ping Pong Parks all connected by a nexus of smog-free bike paths.

Iran is building multiple nuclear reactors which will supposedly only be used for generating power, according to Secretary John Kerry, who will be personally doing monthly verificational inspections.

Affordable ObamaCare Health Centers will be available for anyone who has recently lost their health insurance due to ObamaCare, and whose combined annual income is less than $23,000, and who has voted Democratically in the last six election cycles.

Ashton Kutcher sums it all up like this: “The Earthification of the Moon has begun and is now unstoppable. The more we can make the Moon like Earth, the more people are going to want to make the move to the Moon, which will result in less people on Earth, which should hopefully slow down global warming due to the build-up of extremely toxic gases such as Carbon Dioxide.”

When axed what role he would like to play in all this, Ashton Kutcher thoughtfully admits that he wants his main goal to be the minimization of the sexploitation of minors on the Moon, by such heinous groups as the Catholic Church, and the nefarious Sexaholic Politicians Anonymous.

If you would like more information about getting YOUR ass to the Moon, please go to and simply click on the “Moon Unit” icon, near the top of the page. Don’t forget to enter the passcode: BUZZ.

McDonald’s To Introduce Two New Sandwiches

McDonald's new McHorse and McPony sandwiches

McDonald’s new McHorse and McPony sandwiches

Oak Brook, IL – Ronald McDonald is excited to announce the addition of two new meat sandwiches to their international chain restaurant McMenu.

The McDonald’s Corporation will soon be unveiling the McHorse sandwich, for people who are “so hungry they could eat a horse”.

Hungry children will have a chance to pony up with the new McPony sandwich.

The larger McHorse sandwich will cost $3.99 while the smaller McPony sandwich will be marketed on the popular Dollar Menu*.

McDonald’s is trying to take the lead in providing high-quality processed horse meat – an idea they got from the British.

Ronald McDonald claims that their new sandwiches will be at least 50% actual processed horse (or pony) meat and less than 20% crushed bone.

In addition, “attractive and interactive” new McPetting Zoos will be replacing most of the out-dated McPlayLands.

“Kids just don’t like playing on large boring plastic equipment anymore.” says Jonita McJammer, one of Ronald’s many corporate assistants. “But put a live McBunny in their lap, and let the magic begin!”

*The McPony sandwich will also be available in Happy Meals, along with four different McPony toys. Collect all four of them! Their names are: McTibbets, McPerky, McRangler, and McPaco.