Category Archives: National

New Aquatic Nuisance Species A Nightmare From Hell

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Say hello to the bigger badder cousin of the zebra mussel.

Say hello to the bigger badder cousin of the dreaded zebra mussel. Say hello to MegaCrab.

Detroit Lakes, MN – The Minnesota DNR has begrudgingly confirmed the addition of a new aquatic nuisance species (ANS) to their growing list.

While the inexorable invasion of zebra mussels continues to threaten local lakes and lake property values, this newest aquatic nuisance species could even threaten the lives of innocent human beings.

Say hello to the MegaCrab. These bad boys reproduce almost as prolifically as zebra mussels but have multiple ways to cause pain and/or death.

Besides being able to kill humans with either their antennae, front pinchers, crab-hands, or tails, their entire outer hard shells are lined with poisonous razor-sharp barbs.

“If you accidentally step on one of these hella-demons, all your neighbors at the lake will hear and feel your pain” warns ANS biologist Dean Dooley. “Once your lake is discovered to have MegaCrabs, have fun trying to sell your lake property with one of them sitting on your dock, while eating a duck.”

It is believed that the MegaCrabs, which can grow to the size of a large cocker spaniel, are the result of transmutations coming out of the radioactive fall-out from the 1986 Chernobyl disaster.

These giant creatures have slowly been spreading throughout the world by attaching themselves to ocean-going petroleum tankers because they, for some reason, love the taste of sweet crude oil.

This is why biologist Dean Dooley also has to remind folks to not eat the MegaCrabs. “It would taste like eating a radioactive lobster that’s been marinating in crude oil for ten years.”

Rash of Burglaries Confounds Police in Little Rock, AR

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Police have a real head scratcher on their hands.

Little Rock, AR – Local police are dealing with what may be one of the worst outbreaks in recent memory. A highly contagious rash of burglaries is plaguing the precinct, causing symptoms ranging from intense itching to intense scratching. “The situation is bad, real bad,” claims Officer Stu Pittery. “Makes my skin crawl, it really does. We gotta get a handle on this, and right soon. It’s like chiggers gone wild up in here.”

The problem began on a day like any other. “I was out on patrol when I seen the first signs,” remembers Bubba Briggs, a deputy sheriff. “I saw this masked man running from a house carrying a pretty good sized flatscreen tv. It seemed kinda weird, but I just kept watchin’ him. Anyhoo, after a few minutes I happened to catch a look at myself in the cruiser’s rear view. I’ll be danged if my upper lip wasn’t just covered in red bumps. Well, then it started to itch. That rash was fixin’ to spread, right there under my nose. Sweet Delilah, I hightailed it back to the station faster than a one-legged man at a butt kickin’ contest. I got like a sixth sense about things, and I just knew this weren’t good.”

Upon arriving at police headquarters, deputy Briggs’ keen suspicions were confirmed. The rash had indeed spread, making its way through the precinct virtually unchecked. The rapid progression has prompted city leaders to consider quarantining the station while they search for a solution. They are also going to consider changing “search for a solution” to “have us a bourbon”.

In a recently released statement, Police Chief Rufus Jackson attempted to calm the public. “Y’all don’t worry now, we’ll be all right. But this here rash is spreading faster than Tums at a chili cookoff. What we’re aimin’ for now is to try and get to the source. Best we can tell, there’s a masked man out there infecting our community. Every last one of my men done seen him haulin’ valuables around town and then, bang, they got the itch. We think he’s gotta be somehow connected, but it’s a head-scratcher. I ain’t never seen no rash of burglaries like this here. God as my witness, not never.”

Asked to comment, Little Rock Mayor Winston Abbott said simply, “Aw hell, I’m sure this will all be over soon. Them boys’ll be back fightin’ crime ‘fore they know it. I’ve had my share of rashes over the years, and I’m tellin’ you this’ll be gone faster than a Pabst Blue Ribbon at a Nascar race, mark my words. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to return a call from the county vet. Somethin’ about the canine unit havin’ fleas or some tarnation.”

Replace Your Insomnia With 15 Possible Side Effects

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I only sleep with people I love, which is why I have insomnia.

Sleepy Eye, MN – Are you one of the millions of frustrated people who have trouble sleeping at night? Maybe you should consider doing what many other desperate insomniacs do. Perhaps you need to get hooked on Ambien.

Most agree that the best cure for insomnia is sleep. And the best way fall asleep is to pop an Ambien. Ambien lurks under many nicknames, such as: Intermesso, Zolpidemic, Insania, Hypnotica, and Silent Night. If you want your Ambien to work quickly, avoid the “CR” version, which is Controlled Release. The non-CR tablets will hit you like a brick, hopefully knock you out within 15 minutes, and will last for about 2-3 hours, if you’re lucky.

Unfortunately, the possible side effects from taking Ambien include: headaches, nausea, vomiting, dizziness, hallucinations, delusions, increased appetite, increased libido, amnesia, altered thought patterns, loss of balance, poor motor coordination, impaired judgment, uninhibited extroversion, and increased impulsivity.

However, can you imagine trying to fall asleep while you’re dizzy, nauseated, and vomiting, and while experiencing a raging headache, bizarre hallucinations, grand delusions, ravaging hunger, and an off-the-chart libido? Plus, if and when you ever dare stop taking Ambien, your insomnia will rebound with a vengance, way worse than it was before.

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All this might help explain why Ivan Lopez recently went postal during the latest shooting at Fort Hood. He chose to choose Ambien for his problems, just like you can.

When trying to reach Army officials at Fort Hood for comment, they were all zonked out on Ambien. When trying to reach the French pharmaceutical company Sanofi-Aventis for comment (which sells Ambien in the United States), we didn’t understand a fricking word they said because they rudely insisted upon speaking French.

GM Now Recalling Every Car Ever Made

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Every GM vehicle made since 1936 is being recalled because they were made by GM.

Every GM vehicle including this 1936 model is being recalled because they were made by GM.

Detroit, MI – What started out as a massive GM recall of only certain makes and models has now mushroomed into the largest recall that we can ever recall in human history.

GM Haiku:
Own a GM car?
If so, it’s being recalled.
We found a problem.

GM has now issued an unprecedented total recall for every car they have ever made, no matter the make, model, or year. The reason: Because they were all made by GM.

Because of so many different problems and reasons, Government Motors finally just decided to officially recall every car it has ever made, including the 1936 Suburban pictured in this article.

This stunning news comes as GM Chief Executive Mary Barra prepared to testify before Congress during the first week of April.

Possible faulty ignition switches sparked the first, original recall. But then after it was determined that its dealers used potentially defective switches to fix recalled vehicles, many more problems were discovered. The faulty switches that were linked to many deaths not only shut off the car but also cause the power steering to go out and cause an electrical outage thus rendering the airbags useless.

GM has now expanded the recall to include every motorized car and truck that has ever come off of a GM production line, no matter the shape, size, or year it was born.

CEO Mary Barra: “Out of an abundance of caution, we are recalling every damn vehicle we’ve ever made. Our customers deserve some peace of mind knowing that GM cars and trucks are not death machines.”

As the granddaughter of the famous Yogi Barra, she also added: “This recall won’t be over until the fat lady sings. The future ain’t what it used to be, until every GM car is safe. If you come to a fork in the road, don’t take it until your car has been fixed.”

Fargo Facing Severe Clown Shortage

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Bozo says the only thing funny about a shortage of clowns is the clowns.

Fargo, ND – While our country is experiencing a national clown shortage, Fargo’s clown shortage is in the severe-to-extreme category. Circus folk have been warning for years that a clown shortage was looming on the horizon but everyone just laughed it off as a joke. Now it seems like it’s just as hard to find a good clown as it is to find an honest politician.

Uncle Peepers, who’s the president of Clown College, says this unprecedented shortage is the result of a perfect storm. He explains: “Sadly, as older clowns fade away, we aren’t seeing a lot of new clowns to replace them. Some clowns have retired to the Funny Farm. Many are making phone calls from their horizontal phone booth. And others, like Al Franken, are jumping ship and going into politics.”

Dr. Funny Bones, who heads up Clowns International Association (CIA), concurs with Uncle Peepers. Dr. Funny Bones believes there’s been a declining interest in clowning because of new regulations that have resulted in much higher standards for the jokesters. “Clowning just isn’t cool anymore. Once the governments started getting involved, it took most of the fun out of it” says Dr. Funny Bones.

To deal with Fargo’s severe shortage of clowns, local leaders want to host a Clown Convention this summer in Island Park. George Looney, Fargo’s Director of Fun & Games, came up with the conventional idea as a way to possibly recruit a clown or two to choose Fargo as their home. Mr. Looney says that quite a few nationally known clowns have shown an interest in attending, including: Bozo, Cupcake, Dimples, Bubbles, Zero, Smiley, Sparkles, Mr. Whiskers, Lulu, Sunshine, Chuckles, Polka Dot, Ruffles, Jazzy, and Bingo.

If you have a good idea for how Fargo can attract more clowns to the area, please contact the Fargo City Commission, so they can discuss this important subject at an upcoming meeting.

leatherman charge tti

Multi-tools Review

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If you didn’t know, I just recently got back from a trip to the Democratic Republic of Congo.  I have been looking at vacation/retirement property there for a while now.  During my trip I got to use a variety of different multi-tools.  Below I will show the ones I had the pleasure of using and then make my own suggestions on how to improve it.

1. Leatherman Charge TTi

leatherman charge tti

When Leatherman made the Charge TTi, they combined all of the most requested features into one functional tool. The TTi’s premium comfort-sculpted titanium handle scales and an S30V® stainless steel clip-point knife to really take this multi-tool to the next level. Who says a multi-tool can’t be sexy?

  • PRIMARY BLADE LENGTH: 2.9 in | 7.37 cm
  • CLOSED LENGTH: 4 in | 10 cm
  • WEIGHT: 8.2 oz | 232 g

Suggestions To Improve: Add a gas powered chainsaw.  Situated next to the minisaw, Leatherman should add a real gas powered chainsaw to its blade arsenal.  The minisaw is not suitable to cut down large adult trees.  When your life is on the line lost in the wooods, building a tree house is your first priority and a gas powered chainsaw will help you do just that.

 

2. 4-In-1 Woodsman

zippo multitool

Woodsman 4-in-1 Tool. It chops, saws, pounds and pulls. An Axe, Bow Saw, Mallet and Stake Puller… you get them all! So you can cut through a tangle of brush and tree limbs, set up and take down a tent or blind, and conquer just about anything else that crops up when you’re in the wild. From camping to survival: Steel Hatchet has 5″ blade; 15″ Bow Saw cuts oak up to 4″ in diameter; Mallet helps you put up tent in a hurry… even when ground is hard; Stake puller gets you on the road sooner.

  • Product Dimensions: 2 x 21 x 9 inches ; 3.4 pounds

Suggestions To Improve: I think the only thing missing from this bad boy is to add an electric leaf blower.  When camping out in the wild, there are always those pesky leaves falling around your campsite.  With this, you would never have to worry about a leaf ridden camp site again.  It will also work as a bear protector.  If a bear stumbles upon your campsite, blowing leaves at him has been proven to be an effective solution.

 

 3. Trucker’s Friend Survival Tool

Truckers Friend

The USA-made Trucker’s Friend is an all-purpose tool, built tough and specifically designed to meet the needs of professional truck drivers. But it’s so much more. In any situation that requires hacking, prying, pulling or pounding, you will feel real peace of mind with this serious tool on board. The Trucker’s Friend is backed by a no-hassle Lifetime Replacement Guarantee.

  • Handy all-purpose hand tool designed for professional truck drivers
  • Cut branches, pry loose nails, chip away hard-packed ice, and more
  • Includes curved axe, spanner, hammer, nail puller, tire chain hook, pry bar and lever
  • Shock-absorbing power grip and fiberglass handle
  • Made in the USA

Suggestions To Improve: This handy dandy ax is the perfect truckers companion.  Adding two katana blades would complete this multi-tool.  When the axe portion of this multi-tool doesn’t work fighting off multiple robbers, disengaging the katana blades will make quick work of your attacker.  Push button pepper spray added to the top of the axe would allow you to blind your attacker before cutting him apart with an axe.

 

4. Tactical Tomahawk

tactical tomohawk

The original Vietnam Tomahawk, SOG’s F01T-N Tactical Tomahawk is the latest incarnation of one of history’s most unusual weapons. This versatile piece of equipment handles a number of tasks including excavation, operations breaching, obstacle removal, and extraction, which makes the F01T-N an ideal tool for military and service personnel.

  • Use this versatile tool for breaching operations, excavation, obstacle removal, extraction, and other utility applications
  • Glass-reinforced nylon handle with 2.75-inch stainless steel ax head
  • Tough ballistic polymer handle and nylon carry sheath
  • An innovative, updated version of the Vietnam Tomahawk
  • Length: 15.75-inches; weight: 24-ounces; lifetime warranty

Suggestions To Improve: A tomahawk tool is a must have survival tool.  When you’re lost in the woods, this tomahawk is the perfect companion to take over villages or little cities along the way.  I’d like to see a specialized gland or pouch attached to the bottom of this tomahawk to deliver a healthy dose of venom to the blade.  This way, when you’re slicing your way to conquest and victory, your victims have a chance of dying a more terrible death.

Alarmists Say Rising Spring Temps Evidence Of Global Warming

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Temperatures are on the rise due to Spring global warming.

Temperatures are on the rise due to Spring global warming.

Globe Village, MA – Global Warmers are pointing to rising temperatures in the northern hemisphere as proof positive of deadly Global Warming.

What about the southern hemisphere?

Dr. Julian Zellus of the Global Warming Alarm Centre (GWAC) answers: “No, we are only talking about above the equator, for now. And what we are seeing is a rapid increase in average temperatures. We believe this is quite indicative of a very serious Global Warming problem caused by a build-up of toxic carbon dioxide in the atmosphere.”

Unverified statistics coming out of GWAC show there can be no denying that temperatures are on the rise. Numbers strongly indicate that after a record cold winter, the average temperatures across the country are shooting up an astounding 20-30 degrees in just one month. Dr. Zellus nervously suspects: “As the snow melts due to sudden rising temperatures, water levels will begin to rise in lakes and oceans, just as we’ve been predicting.”

What can be done to stop the pending total destruction of the world?

The Global Warming Alarm Centre is pushing for the creation of a hefty new world-wide Global Warming tax. All proceeds from this tax would go directly to GWAC to study this critical problem. But first, they would have to build their posh new Super Center Alarm Megaplex (or SCAM) which will have its own private airport: The Albert Gore Jr. International Global Warming Airport.

New York Sinkhole Continues To Swallow Victims

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"Sinkhole to Hell" has a voracious appetite.

“Sinkhole to Hell” has a voracious appetite.

New York, NY – It started out as just a small pothole. Then it became a bigger pothole. Then it became one of the seven great wonders of New York.

A sinkhole the size of a New York intersection opened up in midtown Manhattan. Some call it the Hole To Hell. Some call it a death trap.

Rocco Pisano, who is in charge of Street Maintenance for the City of New York says: “Forget about it. We might just have to live with it.”

Nobody knows exactly how deep the sinkhole goes or how they would go about trying to fill it. Respected sinkhole expert Dr. Dennis Joska explains that “some of these stinkin’ holes can go down a frickin’ mile, and they really piss me off.”

In the meantime, New York shoppers and commuters (and taxi cab drivers) will have to steer clear of this deep problem. Rocco admits: “We don’t know zactly how many people or cars have been swallowed up by this monster of a hole. But we do know that more and more people go missing everyday!”

New Crest Brownstrips Promise “Authentic British Smile”

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Fee, Fie, Foe, Fum, I want the smile of an Englishman!

Cincinnati, OH – As fans of Downton Abbey will tell you, Americans can’t get enough of the Brits these days.  It seems our country has fallen hard for all things English.  From their pompous literary intellect to their notoriously bad teeth, we’re in love.  And in America, where there’s love, there’s….you guessed it: a huge corporation looking for a cash cow.

Procter & Gamble hopes to have found just that with its newest product, Crest Brownstrips.  Similar to its popular Whitestrips, Crest’s Brownstrips offer customers a whole new experience in what marketers are calling “customized enamel expression”.  Instead of whitening the teeth, Crest Brownstrips are designed to give the user’s smile a more British look by “antiquing” the enamel to a yellowish-brown color in just two weeks.  “You’ll see some flecks of gray mixed in with the ochre tones,” says product designer, Jillian Stanes.  “We’ve even included a unique blend of botanicals which will give the teeth a sort of gummy look as opposed to the clean, smooth appearance that comes with good dental hygiene.  It’s super realistic looking.”

P&G CEO, Oliver Lemmon, explains, “The dental customer today is searching for an individualized mouth appearance which reflects his interests and beliefs.  A stained, gnarly smile says ‘I’m bonkers for Brits’ in a totally unique way.  Crest is committed to meeting our customers’ needs, and according to our attorneys, we should be OK doing that with Brownstrips.”

A source inside Crest labs reports that its chemists are working around the clock to create a rainbow of other Strip options.  Rumored shades include Avatar Blue, Glow-in-the-dark Neon, Hannibal Lecter Red, and Meth Mouth Medley.  “We think Crest Brownstrips are the beginning of something really special,” says Lemmon.  “One day soon, you’ll be able to just open your mouth and let people know who you are without the hassle of speaking.  According to our attorneys, we should be OK saying we think that’s pretty neat.”

FM Observer Goes Corporate With Initial Public Offering

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Buy FMO low, sell high. Then move to Hawaii.

Fargo, ND – The FM Observer is taking its paper to Wall Street. FM Observer (FMO) stock is slated to open at $3.141559265359/share next week. Here’s a Q&A the FM Observer did with Nick Hirchert about the upcoming IPO and how he plans to use it to get us all rich as hell.

FMO: Nick, can I call you Nick?
Nick: No, you may not.

FMO: Nick, is it true that FMO is going public?
Nick:  It is! We are taking the Observer to Wall street with our Initial Public Offering.

FMO: How exciting is this for you?
Nick:  On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most excited? We want to be rich like Doc Brown from Back to the Future so we can travel into the future & do a bunch of articles about stuff that hasn’t yet happened. Then we can retire forever.

FMO: Do you plan on donating all your profits to charity?
Nick:  We will assign one charity per future-article. Each article that gets future-posted will hopefully generate enough stock dividends to fulfill the financial needs of its respective charity until the end of time.

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FMO: Will you have a board of directors?
Nick:  Yes. I have appointed a board of directors.

FMO: Are any women or minorities possibly going to be on the board? Any midgets?
Nick:  The FMO Board of Directors is comprised of memes. Fictitious characters. Among them are: Douchebag Lumbergh, What if I Told You Morpheus and Conspiracy Keanu.

FMO: Where will your corporate headquarters be located?
Nick:  Corporate Headquarters is located in West Fargo, just off of I-94 near Sheyenne Street.

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FMO: How rich do you see yourself becoming?
Nick:  Wealthy enough to fly a Delorean into the year 2050 to compose 10,000 articles while aging in reverse as time counts backwards to 2014. You see, when you travel through time, you age substantially, directly proportional to the amount of years through which you travel. Ergo, concurrently, from the minute you arrive into your future year, you immediately begin de-aging as time simultaneously regresses into your initial host year. Vis-a-vis, concurrently, returning back from whence you came with the same eyeballs and hairline, but unfortunately, a completely different space time continuum.

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FMO: With all due respect, do you believe there’s enough pent-up demand for FMO stock to affect the earnings per share ratio?
Nick:  America is full of pent-up demand. Have you seen the comments sections of various other websites? Absolutely riddled with pent-up demand.

FMO: For stocks in general, do you agree that a double bottom’s pivot is usually the same price at the middle peak?
Nick:  Yes. If you turn on your pivot foot down low for a jump shot, release the ball at your jump’s peak.

FMO: No need to get snippy. Are you dog friendly?
Nick:  Quite.

FMO: Quite yes, or quite no?
Nick:  I happen to live with movie star Daniel Day-Lewis. He is currently in full character as a method actor for his next movie in which he plays a dog.

FMO: C’mon. Don’t bullshit me. Would you describe yourself as half empty or half full?
Nick:  My body is 75% water, 5% bonehead and 20% baloney.

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FMO: Where do you see yourself in 100 years?
Nick:  As time travel proliferates and the proportions of aging and de-aging become limitless, I truly have no earthly idea.

FMO: Thank you for granting us this frank interview. Any final thoughts that you’d like to share with us?
Nick:  Yes. In the year 2193, there is a great disruption in the 17th Matrix. One of you brings a fully-cooked Hot Pocket through an equilateral time vortex, causing an irreparable tear in the Matrix and a critical disruption in the space time continuum. So please, stop buying Hot Pockets for Pete’s sake.