Category Archives: News

Local Elderly Lady Informed That She Was Dead.

Is that you grandma?

Studying zombie survival wasn’t so stupid after all.

Fargo, ND – Super Tuesday is supposed to be SUPER FUN.  Not for a local 84 year old elderly lady named Maureen.  She showed up to vote and was told she was dead.  “This is shocking news to me.  I didn’t think I was dead” she said.  This isn’t shocking news to us at the FM Observer.

Living old people and zombies have many similar characteristics.  For example, zombies bodies are no longer functioning.  This is similar to old people as we see them wearing adult diapers, bones breaking, etc etc.  Zombies cannot speak.  They emit moans and groans.  Again, another similar characteristic of a living old person.  What is concerning is that a zombie has become self aware and this raises questions as to the voting rights of zombies.  Maureen has now started a campaign across the country for equal rights which is gaining momentum.  She hopes to run for president some day as she feels she has similar qualities and experiences as past and present presidents.

Mom Gets Daughter Unusual Birthday Gift.

5 year old gets plastic surgery.

Fargo, ND —In a story you think didn’t come from this world, a Fargo mom dropped over 25k on her 5 year old daughter to get plastic surgery and breast enhancements.  The mom admits to herself that it could be viewed as weird to spend that much on such cosmetic things but believes this will help her daughter look younger.  “It has taken years off of her already maturing face,” the mom told us.  “She just doesn’t look like an old lady anymore.”  The mom thinks this will help her daughter break into the entertainment industry and having the surgery will make her daughter look more like her mother.  Apparently her mother, “looked like shit.”

“It has taken years off of her already maturing face,” the mom told us.

Rick Santorum Takes Home Most Votes In North Dakota.

Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.

Fargo, ND –  Rick Santorum has taken home the most votes in North Dakota’s statewide Republican caucuses.  Or in Rick Santorum’s own words, “Satan has his sights on the United States of America.”  Only this time it’s North Dakota.  In what can only be considered an apocalyptic event, the entire population in the state of North Dakota has seem to come down with a sickness called ‘Critically Stupid’.  Sadly at this time, there is no cure for this devastating sickness.  North Dakota can only hope Santorum’s best friend, who goes by the name of God, can help cure this disease.

Man Bitten By Dog Minding His Own Business

Not your average Lassie.

Fargo, ND –  A man on Tuesday morning was bitten by a dog minding his own business outside of Wheels Inc in Fargo.  Seeing the dog hanging it’s head out of the window minding it’s own business, the man decided it was a good idea to go and pet the dog.  The dog, thinking the vehicle it was in was his dog house, bit the man as he tried petting the dog.  Police and the bitten man are trying to locate the dog and it’s owner to see if he needs rabies shots.  When asked why the man didn’t write the plate number down or go inside to locate the man who owned the truck he replied, “Well that just makes too much damn sense.”

Daycare Breakin at Fraser Limited in Fargo, ND

Fargo Daycare Burglar Arrested

Pee-yeew!

Fargo, ND –  Shawn Baker 26, was charged with a felony burglary today after being accused of breaking into Fraser Limited at 2901 S. University Dr.  After a short police interrogation, it became known that Beaterton had broken into the daycare because of a weird dirty diaper fetish or diperotica.  Beaterton allegedly likes to collect dirty diapers, sniff them, and store them around his house.  Pee-yeew to you Beaterton!

Texting Has Replaced the Voice With Area Youth

Fargo, ND – Earmuffs are ugly and can be expensive. Texting is quicker and cheaper. The youth of this area and probably country have determined that texting has now replaced all form of voice communication.

One area youth said “Texting is the way to go. I can’t stand listening to crap. My ears hurt from all that jibber jabber. I went through two pairs of earmuffs to drown out the crap people want to tell me. I lost the first pair, and the second pair I borrowed to my friend, but he lost those too. That’s fine because I don’t need to use my voice anyways. Hey, I’m just a kid and I can’t afford buying any more earmuffs. I can text all day on the cell phone my parents pay for. Besides, I know I won’t need to talk in the working world. After college I plan to be CEO within five years in my corner office with a panoramic view while I manage people through email. My mom said that her boss who sits right next to her “can’t even get up from his fat ass” and ask her a question. He just emails. My dad’s boss doesn’t hold regular staff meetings anymore. People just make sure their phones are on. The boss sends a mass message and people reply here and there from there. Sometimes these meetings will go on for days. Actually, one time it lasted almost a month. If this is how the world is going I’m excited.”

A second area youth also agreed that talking face to face is a major irritation. “My voice hurts. I have spent so much lunch money at the pop machine trying to get my voice back. Texting is so awesome because I can text my friends all day during class and still whoop it up at basketball games. Without texting I can’t be obnoxious and annoy all the annoying parents. And pretty sure it would not be cool to show up in earmuffs to the basketball games.”

The last area youth I spoke with said that despite the rise in earmuff sales, she will not jump on this fashion bandwagon. “Earmuffs, I don’t think so. I can’t wear those to the beach while I show off my new swimsuit!” She further stated, “My friend called me up last weekend to go shopping. Uh, what was that? Like, doesn’t she realize I don’t even answer my phone calls? She’s not my friend anymore.”

Parents please do not even try and talk to your kids. There is a new app out there that is being downloaded in record numbers. When your child texts, a signal is sent up through the arm to the ear and all voice communication is muted. Be aware that if you talk to your children and they don’t respond, this app might very well be installed on the cell phone.

Footnotes:

*Jibber Jabber refers to all form of human voice communication.

*These interviews were conducted strictly through texts. None of the youths would agree to speak to me on the phone or in person.

*I have received numerous slander lawsuits claiming earmuff sales have hit a slump because I made a comment that earmuffs are ugly. I don’t personally think earmuffs are ugly. I was simply stating the consensus of those interviewed.