Hopefully the new Detroit Mountain Recreation Area will get some snow despite Global Warming.
Detroit Lakes, MN – The New Detroit Mountain Recreation Area is well on track for its big grand re-opening this month.
This brand new four-season fun park will offer a wide range of great activities and challenges for all ages.
Skiers and snowboarders will have their hands full with two Black Diamond runs that would give Franz Klammer a run for his money.
The Rental Shoppe will include everything from snow skis to snowboards to Go-Pro cameras to record your thrilling adventures.
Kids can race down the Bunny Hill along side Elmo and all their other favorite Sesame Street characters.
The Viking Lodge will have multiple large flat-screen TVs showing past and present Minnesota Vikings football games, including their four Super Bowl losses.
Double-decker shuttle buses will be continuously running from Detroit Mountain to the local Walmart store for easy shopping, to the Shooting Star Casino for easy gambling, and to the local hospital for easy repairs.
If you would like to join the sexy all-volunteer Ski Patrol Team, please email Tony at Detroit Mountain and include a YouTube link of yourself successfully negotiating any Black Diamond ski run.
New York, NY—In an ongoing measure to protect the quarterback and reduce the amount of on-field concussions, the NFL is giving its offenses a huge advantage by allowing them to use 12 players as opposed to the defense’s 11.
The change, it seems, is meant to provide the QB with an extra blocker to make the pocket safer, but the new rule does not state that a team must deploy a lineman. “I hope–HOPE–that teams will utilize the 12th player as a 6th offensive lineman, but hey, i’m not in the locker room…i’m not in the huddle,” says NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. This means teams can get creative by adding either an extra position player or simply letting movie badass Vin Diesel roam the field freely in an “enforcer” type of role.
This move serves as a way to give both fans and the league what they want: more Vin Diesel and less player health lawsuits. “Being hit with lawsuits sucks. Have you ever been hit with a lawsuit? That shit hurts,” remarked NFL spokesman Greg Aiello. “Big Government is going to send us to the hospital if the lawsuits keep collectively kicking our ass. Come on, man. We just want to give the fans football. And Vin Diesel.”
Proud to be a Viking!
Mankato, MN – Former Attorney General Janet Reno has been named the new Special Teams coach for the Minnesota Vikings.
Just as she was the first woman to serve as the United States Attorney General, she will also be the first woman to serve as a coach in the NFL.
“If I can catch and convict the Unabomber, I can coach a few punters and kickers” she was quoted as saying during a formal press conference.
The talk around the league is that Janet Reno will be a great fit for the struggling Vikings.
The Vikings have had recent trouble with their Special Teams coordinator Mike Priefer, leading to likely litigious activity from former punter Chris Kluwe.
An unknown Vikings spokesperson said: “If anyone can handle litigation, it’s Janet Fracking Reno!”
VIKINGS – With training camp and the NFL preseason in full swing, the National Football League Vikings of Minnesota are looking poised for a breakout 2014 season. The Observer predicts that the Purple People Eaters will eek out a Wild Card playoff berth via contributions from (soon-to-be) starting QB Teddy Bridgewater, All-Day AP and emerging WR Cordarrelle Patterson. This would be a major improvement over 2013’s lackluster effort. Since Brett Favre (sadly) isn’t walking through that door ever again, we’ll have to settle for 9-7, meaning a 3rd place finish in the NFC North.
PACKERS – The Packers are still loaded even after completely re-working their defensive secondary. The green and gold will squash the Purple Pride of Minnesota twice this year and end up sweeping their division with help from the Discount Double-Check and players like Eddie Lacy and the best name in the league, HaHa Clinton-Dix. 12-4 will earn them 1st place in the North and a potential first-round playoff bye.
BEARS – Chicago being a tough-guy town and all, the Bears will contend for 2nd place in their division with help from Brandon Marshall’s caught gunslings via the Cutler rifle. Check out Brandon and Jay’s on-field chemistry, not to mention poor body language. Urlacher didn’t un-retire and the secondary is patchwork, so the defense will be suspect. However, 10-6 will land them a surefire Wild Card playoff berth and 2nd place in the NFC North.
LIONS – Ah, Detroit. If an entire city declaring bankruptcy is considered a bad omen, the Motor City Kitties will be cellar dwellers yet again this season. MEGATRON (Calvin Johnson) is a robot and the richest receiver in history, making him a double-threat that could snag up to 20 Matt Stafford TD throws. Will that be enough to keep the Lions competitive? I doubt it. Detroit will finish 5-11 this year—dead last in the Black & Blue Division.
Fun season upcoming for the National Football North division of the NFC. We couldn’t be more excited for on-the-field slaughter.
The North Dakota Frackers Football Team
Bismarck, ND – North Dakota is excited by the NFL’s announcement that it has landed one of eight new team franchises. The latest NFL expansion is adding one team to each of its eight divisions.
The North Dakota Frackers are being added to the NFC North Division in which you find the Minnesota Vikings and the Green Bay Packers. Vikings QB Christian Ponder stated that: “Now it’s going to be just that much more difficult to win the Super Bowl.”
Each new team costs about one billion dollars to purchase. The North Dakota legislature voted to use $1.1 Billion from its oil money Legacy Fund for this special purpose.
Other teams being added to the National Football League include the: London Broils, Montana Unibombers, Alaskan Mushers, Hawaiian Alohas, Arkansas Hillbillies, Iowa Corn Cobs, and the Mexican Amigos.
A top North Dakota official said: “On the record, this is very exciting news for North Dakota to finally have its very own NFL team. Off the record, we have a lot of work to do to make this work: Cheerleaders try-outs, team logo selection, location of the official stadium, not to mention the entire coaching staff, plus all the players. Right now, we have no football players on our team, but that’s OK, because we do have the North Dakota Frackers! Our goal is to win a Super Bowl before the Vikings do.”
San Antonio, TX – UFC Fight Night 44 is in the books. It was a decent event with good matches. After the main match between Cub Swanson and Jeremy Stephens, UFC reporter Heidi had a chance to speak with the loser, Jeremy Stephens. Here are some of her rather odd questions.
“How did it feel when you got hit in the face repeatedly?”
“Does it hurt to get kneed in the stomach?”
“What could you have done to get hit less?”
“That very large bump on your face, is it uncomfortable?”
“You got kicked in the leg a bunch of times, why?”
Was it the punch straight to the nose or the liver that hurt the worst?
Why are you crying?
You are sweating. Was it a hard match?
Why didn’t you just get up at the end of the match there? Were you hurt?
Without these hard hitting questions there is no way of getting to know what it’s actually like being a ufc fighter. We are glad this reporter asked the most important question in order to get a better understanding of the sport.
Brazil – The Screen Actors Guild, which includes popular actors such as Alec Baldwin and Sean Penn, will be watching the 2014 FIFA World Cup extra closely this year.
The 2014 World Cup games are finally underway. Millions of fans will be either be attending the games in person or watching them on their television sets. The screen actors guild, on the advice of Alec Baldwin, will pay extra attention to the games this year in the hopes of finding the next crop of best actors.
They state that soccer players may be the best non-professional, undiscovered, amateur actors out there due to their nature of faking dramatic penalties.
Alec Baldwin and Sean Penn have agreed to attend every game in the hopes of recruiting these amateur actors into the Screen Actors Guild.
They stated they are looking to increase S.A.G membership numbers and soccer is the best sport to recruit from besides maybe basketball.
The 2014 World Cup in Brazil is near. Here i’ll reveal some players that you must watch during the World Cup.
Christiano Rafeeke – That one guy who plays on that team with blue shirts.
Gerard Dominichi – That one player who kicks with his left foot.
Rooni Shikaka – Must watch! This is that guy who ran into that other guy that one time. Remember?
Felina Mozzarella – Another must watch. This person headbutted that one guy once. You know the team.
Leonardo Campbell – This is that guy who got the card taken out on him twice during that one game. Very memorable.
Milner Jones – Everyone knows this guy. He’s fast.
Mikey Tomahawk – Very popular. He’s the only native american in soccer. Everyone knows this guy. No explanation needed.
David Lulz – He has all those commercials. Very good player.
Dahizthan – He’s the only player with no last name and nobody knows where he’s actually from. He got that one foul during that great match everyone watched.
There you have it. 9 of the most popular people to watch during World Cup. I’m sure you know and have heard of all the people listed already. Enjoy the games!
Minneapolis, MN—The 2014 Major League Baseball draft has uninterestingly concluded, resulting in something like 80 or so guys taken by the Minnesota Twins. Among the players drafted were four St. Paul Saints infielders in addition to St. Paul Saints clubhouse janitor Chlaff Peenisackle.
“Scouted him during batting practice. Great footwork, swings his stick like a natural,” explained Twins GM Terry Ryan. The Twins have made a marginally-successful ballclub out of scouting raw talent within their farm system. Mop-wielder Peenisackle should be no exception.
The club deployed Similar tactics during the 2013 draft with their selection of Target Field groundskeeper Bronk Clobbler.
Indianapolis, IN—In what some are calling a sudden, poorly-timed but not altogether shocking announcement, basketball star LeBron James has come out of the closet…..sort of. He has officially announced, on live TV, that he is gay…for LeBron James.
Following last night’s Eastern Conference Semifinals loss to the Pacers, King James explained himself to ESPN insider Jim Gray while waiting for his flight home. “I want the world to know somethin’ right now. It doesn’t matter if you win or lose or only play 24 minutes while you’re in foul trouble. What matters is that i’m gay.” LeBron said. “You are a homosexual?” replied a stunned Jim Gray. “No, stupid. I’m gay…for LeBron James! Wouldn’t you be? There’s truly nothin’ I can’t do; the best dribbler, shooter, dunker, defender, father, and soon-to-be actor in movies. I’m gay for LeBron James! AAAHHH feels so good to say that! I love me some me, baby!”
What prompted this sudden announcement is baffling to not only the Observer but to the entire basketball community. The spotlight couldn’t shine on James any harder than it will this Friday when the Heat attempt to close out the series at home against Indiana. Now, on top of it all, the Miami media, fans as well as his Heat teammates have to deal with a bellowing narcissist.