Category Archives: Sports

Quarterback Aaron Rodgers Denies That He Denied Being Gay

A denial of a denial is a confirmation that Aaron Rodgers is gay.

A denial of a denial is a confirmation that Aaron Rodgers is gay.

Green Gay, Wisconsin – Shortly after quarterback Aaron Rodgers recently denied being gay, he came out and denied that he made the original denial. The starr quarterback for the Green Bay Packers is essentially denying that he denied being gay.

To help analyze this mind twister, the FM Observer has asked Dr. Kirby Farrell Ph.D. to make sense of all this for us.

FM Observer: Dr. Farrell, what is going on here?

Dr. Kirby Farrell Ph.D.: Well, this is indeed a mind twister. A denial of a denial is getting into advanced psycho-analytics very quickly and deeply. Because I am a professional, I would say this is either a healthy thing for Aaron Rodgers, or it could be quite toxic. To first deny being gay, and then to deny the initial denial, could be a positive confirmation of Mr. Rodgers’ gayness. It could also be the result of multiple concussions leaving his brain in a permanent state of confusion. Unfortunately, it could also be a sign that lies upon lies are beginning to pile up. Aristotle once said: “The least initial deviation from the truth is multiplied later a thousand fold.” Aaron Rodgers tried to prove he was not gay by stating that he is happily married. But this argument fell apart when it was discovered that his spouse’s first name is Bruce. Whether he is or is not gay is not the main issue here. What could become a serious problem is going down that dangerous path of denying a denial of a denial. If it never stops, it can be like walking into a house of mirrors, without wearing a helmet.

LEAKED: New University of North Dakota Team Logo/Nickname

University of North Dakota Fighting Sperm Whales

University of North Dakota Fighting Sperm Whales

Grand Forks, ND—Sources have confirmed the existence of a newly revamped UND sports team jersey! This photo, leaked by an insider at the University of North Dakota, shows a rough depiction of a team hockey jersey embroidered with the word SPERM and what appears to be a giant sperm whale.

Team executives have been working in conjunction with the NCAA to implement a new, contemporary, non-offensive nickname for the University. It looks like they’ve hit a home run here.

While this leaves virtually nothing to the imagination, we still have to speculate whether or not the next UND team nickname will be the Fighting Sperm Whales. All things considered, the whale species pictured is definitely a sperm whale, and the lettering above the whale is absolutely S-P-E-R-M.

This being said, sports team broadcast announcers are said to be working feverishly on new in-game catch phrases:

  • “Sperm slam it home!”
  • “That’s a whale of sperm!”
  • “Spermtastic!”
  • “Sperm gonna getcha!”
  • “When a man and a woman love each other very much…”
  • “Sperm found the egg! It’s all over!”

Locals are excited to finally have a nickname for their beloved team.

UND hockey fan Sandra Crabapple:

“Sperm whales? Cool! That’s not offensive or gross at all.”

UND football fan Terry Noisewater:

“I can’t wait to yell about sperm during games!”

While there is no timetable for the return of a team nickname and logo, this new evidence suggests we will be screaming the name of the mighty sperm whale sooner rather than later.

Kangaroo Boxing Coming To Fargo

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Boppers, the boxing kangaroo, is coming to Fargo and looking for some worthy challengers.

Fargo, ND – The Australian champion kangaroo boxer is coming to Fargo. Boppers is his name and boxing is his game.

Kangaroo boxing is one of the most popular sports down under in Australia. The sport is quickly gaining popularity in the United States.

When his trainers and handlers asked Boppers where he wanted to go in the United States, Boppers indicated on the map that Fargo was his choice.

Boppers will take on any challengers in the form of one adult male, or a pair of adult females, or any three teenagers, or any four children under the age of twelve.

Boppers will fight any challengers in either traditional boxing or full contact fighting. If you are considering the full contact event, please remember that Boppers has one very large tail and two very large feet.

This unique event is currently being planned to be held at The Hub in Fargo but may be moved to a larger venue such as the Civic Center or Fargodome if needed.

If you are interested in fighting Boppers, please contact the FM Observer or The Hub and indicate what type of team and level of fighting experience you would bring to the challenge.

Other important information about Boppers to carefully consider before a challenge: Boppers is twice as fast as Muhammad Ali and thrice as powerful as Mike Tyson. Boppers is constantly watching videos of classic boxing matches on large flat-screen TVs throughout his training center. Boppers is very proud of his record: 1,230 wins and zero losses.

nascar fan

How To Become A NASCAR Fan In 3 Days.

nascar fan

Below I am going to give you some tips on how to become a NASCAR fan in only three days.  If you follow them to a T you are well on your way to becoming one the greatest NASCAR fans of all-time.


1. Go here.  Put your mouse over the scroller to the right and hold your mouse button down so you can scroll up and down.  Close your eyes.  Scroll up and down more than five times and then point and hold your finger on the screen.  Open your eyes.  Bingo!  You just picked your driver to root for.

2.  Buy all his memorabilia.  Little model cars, stickers, hats, t-shirts.  Try and wear them everyday.  Put a bunch of stickers of the driver all over your car.  Your goal here is to convince everyone that you are a hardcore fan and have been for quite sometime.

3. Visit Walmart and get some overalls and some flannel shirts.  Wear them as much as possible.

4. Spend your entire paycheck on a nascar ticket as well as a plane ticket.

5.  Switch your choice of beer to Miller Lite or any domestic beer for the matter.  Or, if your driver is sponsored by a beer company, you better damn well drink that beer and that beer only.

6.  Set all radio stations to country music.

7.  Sell your soul.

There you go.  You should be able to follow the easy tips above to become a true NASCAR fan in only three days.

christian ponder

Christain Ponder To Play Kicker

christian ponderMinneapolis, MN  – Exciting and unusual news coming out of the Minnesota Vikings camp this morning.  The word on the street is that Christian Ponder will give up his quarterback position to play Kicker.

Leslie Frazier confirmed the news just this morning.

“We feel Christian Ponder is a great quarterback but an even greater kicker.  That is why, as of this morning, Christian Ponder will be our full-time kicker,” Frazier stated.

I asked how this position and Ponder came about in which he replied, “After seeing him kick the ball around out of frustration during training camp, I knew he’d make a great kicker.”

Joe Webb from quarterback to wide receiver.  Christian Ponder from quarterback to kicker.  The Vikings sure have a unique drafting strategy.

Oh yea, did anyone tell Leslie Frazier his new helmets don’t match the rest of the uniform?  Who’s smoking what in Minneapolis?

At least Mr. Ponder will have a better chance of scoring as a kicker then as a quarterback.

Christian Ponder Was The 12th Overall Pick In The 2011 Draft

Christian-Ponder-at-KFANA little over two years ago, the Purple saw what they thought was a precious jewel. An opportunity to fill a need. After many MONTHS of scouting that included team workouts, the NFL Combine, player interviews, relentless film study, research and preparation—amidst eligible QB draftees such as Andy Dalton and Colin Kaepernick—the Vikings selected Christian Ponder as the 12th overall pick in the 2011 NFL draft.

The rest is history…

The Vikings really struggle on 3rd down.

Christian Ponder was the 12th overall pick in the draft.

“This team is absolutely loaded with talent on both sides of the ball.” “…except at quarterback.”

Christian Ponder was the 12th overall pick in the draft.

There hasn’t been a Super Bowl-winning “game manager” since Brad Johnson won it behind a legendary defense ten years ago. Things are different now.

Christian Ponder was the 12th overall pick in the draft.

You know how your box of Lucky Charms always has that one really burnt-up piece of cereal amongst a box full of tasty goodness?

Christian Ponder was the 12th overall pick in the draft.

Since when has a bruised elbow kept a QB out of a freaking playoff game??

Christian Ponder was the 12th overall pick in the draft.

During 3rd downs our QB prances around back there like Michael Flatley with his ass on fire only before heaving it straight up in the air.

Christian Ponder was the 12th overall pick in the draft.

For some reason a former Pro-Bowl QB (yet only slightly more talented) was brought in exclusively as a backup.

Christian Ponder was the 12th overall pick in the draft.

It’s not against the rules to hike the ball directly to Adrian Peterson on every play.

Christian Ponder was the 12th overall pick in the draft.

Numbers don’t lie: #7 had a quarterback rating of 81 (not good) in 2012 and is 1-2 with an INT so far this year.

Christian Ponder was the 12th overall pick in the draft.

It will be at least another decade before Aaron Rodgers suits up in a Purple jersey.

Christian Ponder was the 12th overall pick in the draft.

An NFL QB’s 3rd season in the league is when we start to expect big things from him, because:

Christian Ponder was the 12th overall pick in the draft.

Remember last year when the Vikings benched Ponder in favor of a broomstick???

Christian Ponder was the 12th overall pick in the draft.

Get better CP, for the betterment of not only the Vikings, but of the league as a whole. Enjoy the season!

Silva vs Weidman

Silva and Weidman Kiss

Silva vs WeidmanSilva and Weidman faced off yesterday at the UFC 162 weigh-ins.  This time they literally went chin-to-chin or lips to lips.

Things certainly have changed since I started watching UFC.  Before, the two men would either A. Be respectful, shake each others hands like grown ass mature men would do, complete a simple stare down for the cameras and go on their merry way or B. Hype the fight up a bit and put their hands in the other opponents face to get the crowd going.  Today, there is man lip on man lip action going on and I don’t like it.

UFC pre-fight weigh-ins is not the place to display ghay tendencies.  I’ve been seeing it more and more.  Am I going to see some butt slappin’ next?  Is the guy going to turn around to leave the weigh-ins and the other fighter starts slapping his ass?  Are the fighters going to hug and then help each other get their clothes back on after standoff?  Is that next?  Are they just going to full out have butt sex right there on the stage?  Where does it end?

I think it’s time for Dana White to step in here and set these fighters straight.  Get it?  I think he should call a meeting and let them know that they need to keep their ghay tendencies to a minimum during UFC weigh-ins.  After the weigh-ins it’s game on.  They can do as much butt slappin, lip mangling, or butt humping as they wish as long as its backstage and not in front of the masses.  Nobody wants to see that.

Tim Tebow Excited To Do Absolutely Nothing For New England

"Go-Talk Scat-Right-X Media Darling on 3...ready??"

“Go-Talk Scat-Right-X Media Darling on 3…ready??”

Boston, MA—We were just sitting there enjoying a Tebow-free NFL offseason when suddenly the New England Patriots signed the Chosen One to a two-year contract. Damn it. Tim Tebow was plucked from relative obscurity by Bill Belichick and Co. for reasons that have yet to be determined, and nobody could be more excited by this news than Tim.

“I’m excited. The good lord giveth and the good lord taketh away, but this time he giveth to me hard.” Tebow said. Never before has a player meant so much more off the field than he does on it.

The Patriots coaching staff was more or less OK with adding the Could-be Kid to the fold. When asked about how he envisioned Tebow fitting into the gameplan, Offensive Coordinator Josh McDaniels made his intentions very unclear:

“We are happy about Tim’s attitude and his physical ability. Ever since draft day I’ve watched him develop into kind-of something but not really so we’re excited about that. Sort of. Bottom line is he’s a football player and under contract with our team, so you do the math.”

The team is expected to use Tebow extensively—just not in the way a team normally uses a football player. We anticipate seeing Tebow on camera a lot during the upcoming NFL season. He will be shown in the locker room, on the sideline and at the podium chatting it up with the media. It’s like Morgan Freeman always says, “You either get busy talkin’, or get busy dyin’.”

travis beck ndsu bison fargo

New Police Video. NDSU linebacker Travis Beck Had Dirty Hands.

travis beck ndsu bison fargoFargo, ND – North Dakota State University star linebacker Travis Beck has been all over the news lately.  He recently had his aggravated assault charge dropped but a new video has surfaced.

Police have obtained the security bathroom video which shows Travis Beck before the alleged assault incident.  The video depicts Travis Beck not washing his hands after going number two.

These new developments are astonishing because that means Travis Beck more then likely had poopy hands during the alleged assault/self defense incident.  The other individual had no idea poopy hands were being used against him.

Travis Beck has been taken into custody again and will be charged with using poopy hands in a self defense situation.  We will make sure to report these new police findings to all news stations and government agencies including the White House.  Travis Beck deserves punishment for this.

Hopefully he learns to wash his hands properly before the NDSU Bison take the field.  Nobody wants to play with poopy hand guy.

Christian Ponder Excited to Study Under Starting QB Matt Cassel

Christian-Ponder-at-KFANMankato, MN—Minnesota Vikings organized team activities (OTAs) have officially gotten underway at Winter Park. No one player is as excited as Christian Ponder. Ponder is treating OTAs as a prime opportunity to learn from Vikings starting quarterback, Matt Cassel.

“Studying the moves of a proven veteran like Matt will prove invaluable to me in the future if I ever get the chance to start again for the team.” Ponder said. “Matt is our guy now, and I know that. He’s a former Pro Bowler who’s won a ton of games in this league. I can’t wait to learn from him during camp and watch him play next season.”

Ponder knows that while coaches and even general manager Rick Spielman have labeled him starting quarterback going forward, that doesn’t mean anything in this cut-throat business:

“Our team was on the cusp of greatness last season. It makes all the sense in the world that they’d bring Matt in to get us over the hump.”

Ponder has been seen taking many of the first-team reps in camp so far this year. He attributes that to the Vikings’ solid backup plan, should Cassel go down:

“Coach Frazier had me taking most of the first-team snaps while Matt chilled on the bench. It’s a smart move, because I need to be ready in case Matt can’t play.”

Ponder has high hopes for his starting offense this season. He expects to take most of the reps as a starter up until the beginning of the regular season when games start to matter.