Category Archives: Sports

Young Local Chess Master Has Big Plans



Fargo, ND – A young local chess prodigy wants all home-schooled children to form teams. Cooper Sterling has been a chess master since age six. He claims that being home-schooled really allowed him to excel in areas of personal interest to him. His parents found out early on that chess was a talent he was born with when he embarrassed a traveling chess grandmaster at the young age of four.

“One drawback to being home schooled, however, is you don’t get to be on any teams”, Cooper said. He would like to start out by forming a local chess team of other home-schooled children. “From there, the sky’s the limit”, he added, with a smile.

Cooper eventually would like to form home-schooled teams to compete with local schools in debate, ping-pong, and even some track & field events. As for Cooper, he also has some personal goals set for his next few years. They include: marketing his own line of Think & Thrive board-games, and designing and building his own underground home.

MIke Goldberg Away Due To Illness

Hilarious Mike Goldberg Quotes

MIke Goldberg Away Due To IllnessUFC 155 just wasn’t the same without the great Mike Goldberg commentating alongside Joe Rogan this weekend.  Apparently he had to take sometime off and rest at home due to an illness.The UFC is not sure when Mike Goldberg will return so Jon Anik will be filling in for him for the foreseeable future.
Dana White stated..
“Goldie’s out for a while and I don’t know when he’ll be back,”
Hopefully it’s nothing too serious and Mike Goldberg can return as quick as possible.
So, in spirit of Mike Goldberg, I’ll post some funny Mike Goldberg quotes that have been floating around the internet for years now.
Joe Rogan: “Think of leg kicks as like in a video game. The more they take, their power goes right down.”
Goldberg: “I know what you’re thinking, mighty ball mighty ball DEEP DEEP DEEP!”
Joe Rogan: Does best to ignore that and continue talking about the fightMike Goldberg: “He’s got him in some kind of strange choke I’ve never seen before!”
Joe Rogan: “That’s a rear naked choke.”Joe Rogan: “Karo is wide open!”
Mike Goldberg: “Diaz smells the opening.”

Mike Goldberg: “You can hear the corner speaking portuguese!”
Joe Rogan: “Uh, that’s Japanese, brother”
Mike Goldberg: “I should have known that.”
Joe Rogan: “You’re the one married to a Japanese chick.”
Mike Goldberg: “That is correct.”

Frank Shamrock: “Ohhhh huge knee!”
Mike Goldberg: “Big knee!”
Frank Shamrock: “That was a huge knee!”
Mike Goldberg: “That knee was big!”


UFC 68

Goldberg: “Welcome back, Randy Couture. This fight brought to you by…” Sylvia gets knocked down in the first 8 seconds*
Rogan: “Big right hand! Sylvia is down!”
Goldberg: “…Shooter. Starring Mark Wahlberg in theatres next Friday.”


UFC 76 Machida vs. Nakamura
Mike Goldberg: “And here is Nakamura…entering the octagon for the 1st time…touching the fence for the first time.”
Joe Rogan: (laughs)“You running out things to say?”
Mike Goldberg: “Yeah. Kinda(laughs). You? You know, you could help out and chime in once in a while…”


UFC 79 Sokoudjou Vs. Machida

Mike Goldberg: “Because SOAKoudjou is so highly touted, you almost want to sit back and watch and SOAK it in.”

Mike Goldberg: “Don’t forget coming up next it’s Blade the series…plenty of action, violence, vampire sexuality!”

Rogan: “Vampire sexuality, what’s that?”

Goldberg: “I don’t know, it was on a card they put in front of me”


UFC 84 Wanderlei Silva vs Keith Jardine

After Wanderlei “The Axe Murderer” Silva knocks Keith Jardine out
Goldberg: “The Iceman is back to his winning ways!”

“The Dean of Mean” Keith Jardine vs Kerry Schall

Goldberg: “If Jardine’s last name were Johnson, the nickname Dean of Mean would make no sense.”


UFC 71 Parisyan vs Burkman

Joe Rogan: “He’s getting instructions in two different languages.”

Mike Goldberg: “He understands them both!”

on Travis Lutter

Mike Goldberg: “He’s like the Michael Jordan of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu!”

Joe Rogan: “No, he’s not”

Mike Goldberg: “Larry Bird?”

Joe Rogan: “Uhm, no.”

Mike Goldberg: “Kobe Bryant?”

Joe Rogan: “…”


UFC 74 Couture vs Gonzaga

Joe Rogan: “Here’s a beautifull left hook by Gonzaga.” Mike Goldberg: “Yup, You can clearly see his nose explode there.” Joe Rogan: “I don’t think that was it actually, the thing that damaged his nose was in a takedown.” Mike Goldberg: “Oh, Gotcha!”

Clip of Randy taking Gonzaga down (not the headbutt one)
Goldberg: “Oh yeah, you’re right, thats it, pardon me.” Rogan: “I don’t think it was there either, i think it was in another takedown.” Goldberg: “Oh.”

Clip of Randy slamming Gonzaga, which caused the broken nose due to a headbutt*
Rogan: “I believe this is what caused it, watch as he takes Gonzaga down, they both collide heads, BAM, thats it, right there.” Goldberg: “Oh, good call, good call.”

on Kenny Florian after taking a groin shot

Goldberg: “… So you want to be an Ultimate Fighter?”

on “Lil’ Evil” Jens Pulver vs. John Lewis

After “Lil’ Evil” Jens Pulver knocked Lewis out*
Goldberg: “”Lil’ Eagle” flies again!”


TUF 7 Finale

(on Diego Sanchez’s conditioning)

Goldberg: “It must take a lot of energy just to keep that mean look on his face”

Random Quotes

Goldberg: “He’s unrelentless!”

Goldberg: “You know Roy Jones Jr. respects the hands of Forrest Griffin.”

Goldberg: “And here we go!”

Goldberg: “And it’s all over!”

Goldberg: “That eye is rocked!”

Goldberg: “Could we be blessed with a 3rd round?”

Goldberg: “Continuing on his meteoric rise!”

Goldberg: “You know Joe, When Matt and his brother Mark Hughes were growing up they would pound each other behind the barn!”

NFL players breathe sigh of relief after not making Pro Bowl

Coaches stand on the field DURING THE GAME for christ's sake

Coaches stand on the field DURING THE GAME for pete’s sake

New York, NY – The National Football League Pro Bowl roster was announced recently, and much to the relief of many players around the league, they were not included. The Pro Bowl has become an inconvenience of sorts for NFL players. Especially the ones who don’t make the playoffs and would rather move on with their lives than lace ’em up for one more completely meaningless game.

Players are over the Pro Bowl. All it really means anymore is a free trip to Hawaii and a small monetary bonus. Take it from one of the league’s top defensive players, Seattle Seahawks CB Richard Sherman. Sherman was asked by the Associated Press what his thoughts were after being left off the Pro Bowl roster:

“It don’t mean nothing. I bet you I’ll be on the first-team All-Pro. That means more to me.”

For a rookie or a player relatively new to the league, it might be a big deal. But to the seasoned veteran who flies to Hawaii year after year, it’s gotten to be pretty mundane. Players show up, goof around and don’t really compete due to the threat of injury. Hell, both they and the fans have more fun in the skills competition than the actual game.

That being said, congratulations are still in order for Adrian Peterson and Peyton Manning for making the Pro Bowl roster. They fought off career-threatening injuries only to come back and rip apart NFL defenses. For the rest of you: suck it up and go to Hawaii or we’ll vote you into the 2013 NFL Diva Squad.

Vikings bench Ponder, replace him with broomstick

4853845532_747e8c0c83_bMinneapolis, MN – There is much rejoicing to be done today as the Minnesota Vikings coaching staff has finally pulled the plug on the Ponder experiment. Head Coach Leslie Frazier:

“Ponder was a guy who we thought could fill the role of ‘game manager’ quite nicely. A guy who could hand the ball off on 1st and 2nd down and if we needed a small handful of yards to convert 3rd down, he could throw a quick out to the tight end. However, we’re not converting 3rd downs and Ponder has thrown for fewer yards than Adrian Peterson has run for in three of our past five games. Enough is enough.”

Coach went on to say that Ponder is “just getting in the way” and that a broomstick would serve as a “sufficient decoy”. The Vikings plan to prop up their decoy against the center, helmet dangling from the broom bristles as the center snaps the ball directly to Adrian Peterson.

Too little too late? This benching comes with only 3 games left to play in the regular season. The Vikings need to basically run the table and get help from other teams in order to make the playoffs. Starting quarterback Broom Stick will wear jersey # 13. Look for him(?) behind center this Sunday against St. Louis.

UFC match delayed due to limb entanglement

Seattle, WA – An Ultimate Fighting Championship battle between Mike Swick and Matt Brown suffered a slight delay last night due to limb entanglement. Swick and Brown became engaged in a floor grapple in which both competitors attempted to lock in a submission move at the same time. Somehow, the limbs of both fighters got locked together in such a way that they became tied up in a knot. LOL!

Groans were heard from the crowd as referee Dan Miragliotta called a temporary stop to the fight. Trainers were brought in to assist, but were unable to budge the appendages of either contestant until dousing them in lubricant.

After squirting baby oil all over both men, the trainers were finally able to dislodge Brown’s foot from Swick’s armpit and Swick’s arm from Brown’s legpit after Brown’s leg was unwrapped from Swick’s neck and Swick’s arm was slid out from under Brown’s knee.

The fight resulted in a victory for Brown only after the two fighters were surgically separated.

WNBA game suspended after ball gets stuck between rim and backboard

ballstuck_1Minneapolis, MN – A recent professional Women’s National Basketball Association game between the Minnesota Lynx and the Atlanta Dream suffered a stoppage in play after the ball became lodged between the rim and the backboard.

A Lynx player went for a fast-break layup only to see her shot get stuck, and as her attempts to rebound the ball became futile other Lynx team members and opposing players gave it their best try but none came close. Players offered to form a type of human pyramid to try to obtain the ball but the training staff and league officials would not allow it.

The officiating crew requested help from the crowd, but attendance for the evening’s game consisted of roughly 150 unenthusiastic fans not willing to provide assistance. Coaches and players then proceeded to throw water bottles at the ball to dislodge it, but to no avail.

Seeing as though the nearest Home Depot was 20 minutes away, purchasing a ladder became an unavailable option. Referees suspended play after efforts to remove the ball fell short.

Cutler Brings A-Game In Loss to Packers

Green Bay, WI – Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler played competely out of his mind football last night against the Green Bay Packers. Many are calling this performance “vintage Cutler” as he gunslang a total of 4 interceptions to the Packer defense en route to a 23-10 ass kicking.

Cutler made every effort to redirect the spotlight to the home team as he has year after year in Green Bay. The “Lambeau mystique” has taken Cutler’s game to new levels as he sets out to do everything in his power to make the Packers look good in prime time. “If they want a quarterback that doesn’t care, they can find somebody else,” Cutler said. Well put, Jay. You truly want the Packer fans to have a good time.

This makes Packer fans respect the Bears’ #6 more and more. Cutler finished with the lowest QB rating seen so far this season after throwing for a meager 126 yards and being sacked 7 times by a ferocious Packer pass rush.

It would appear that “vintage Jay Cutler” is poised for a breakout–I mean–breakdown 2012 season.

Bill Burns Wins RRVF Minnow Racing Championship

2012-07-13 19.31.03

Bill Blows

West Fargo, ND – The FM Observer’s own Bill Burns took home the Red River Valley Fair Minnow Racing Tournament championship trophy Friday with what many in the minnow racing community are calling a truly legendary performance. Bill threw his hat in the ring knowing full well what was at stake: a shot at claiming the title of “best damn minnow racer the fair has ever seen”. Well, folks, he delivered.

Bill dropped his minnow in the stream, plunged his straw in and blew his brains out until each minnow made its way to the finish ahead of his opponent’s. Quarterfinal, semifinal, and championship opponents were all completely blown away by Bill’s red-faced efforts. As witness to this magnificent test of internal fortitude, I can honestly say that Bill put forth a hall-of-fame-worthy effort. One for the ages.

The FM Observer will be sponsoring Bill on his national Minnow Racing tour as he travels the countryside capturing trophies from fairs across the United States in pursuit of the National Championship. Congratulations Bill, and best of luck on tour!

LeBron James grateful for another shot at losing NBA Finals

Miami, FL – NBA MVP LeBron James has once again, for the 2nd straight year and 3rd time in his career, led his team to the NBA Finals earning yet another shot at despair and failure. King James has been terrific throughout his career at playing well when it doesn’t count and putting up fantastic numbers pretty much always, except during clutch moments. This upcoming finals series will prove no different, as James is poised to make it 3-for-3:

“I’ve been here before. I know what it takes to lose. Instead of being the man in a clutch moment, I plan on deferring to a random teammate. I’m going to push hard for D-Wade to make things happen. Playing the role of decoy is what works for me and guarantees a series loss for my team.”

King went on to predict that his Heat would hang with the Thunder for “maybe 5 or 6” games, but if it went the full 7 he thinks they would definitely get blown out. We wish the best of luck to both teams as the first ever NBA Finals battle between two weather patterns gets underway this Tuesday.

Car insurance adjuster freaking out over NASCAR wreck


Dover, DE – Yesterday’s NASCAR FedEx 400 event in Dover contained one of the most heinous multiple car pileups we’ve seen so far this year. A total of 13 cars were involved in this chain-reaction wreck, and the monetary damage is said to be in the “freaking billions, maybe”. That is, according to the insurance adjuster tasked to clean up the aftermath. Keith McGregor is in full-on panic mode after yesterday’s NASCAR disaster. We caught up with Keith to get his take on the accident:

“I’m fucked. Thirteen cars got completely fucking totaled and I can’t get ahold of any of the drivers to have them sign damage disclosures! And where the fuck are the cars?? Did they even bother getting estimates done?? NO! They loaded them onto trailers as I sat there waving. HELLOOO??? Trying to do my job over here! Would love to get who’s at fault sorted out! Now i’m completely loaded with 13 fucking vehicles worth of paperwork and nowhere to send it. What the fuck am I going to do??”

McGregor went on to say that he’ll “get his ass fired if he doesn’t process this wreck” and that if that happens “the Mrs. will probably divorce him.”

We wish Keith the best of luck with his fucking estimates.