Category Archives: ACTION

FMO To Sponsor Fargo Senior Citizen Soccer Team

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Super Senior Soccer!

Fargo, ND – With the days already starting to get longer, the FM Observer is excited to announce that it will be sponsoring a Summer Super Senior Citizen Soccer Team called the Fargo Flash.

Team members need to be 80+ years of age and also must be able to pass a physical test made up of various soccer drills and special challenges.

The Fargo Flash will play against other regional teams such as the Sioux Falls Dominators and the Bemidji Blue Oxen.

If you are interested in trying out for the Fargo Flash, try to get in shape by April when the team members will be selected. Cheerleaders will also be chosen at this time, along with numerous Emergency Medical Technician staff members.

Think Spring! Think Soccer! Think Super Senior Summer Soccer!

Go Fargo! Go Flash! Go Fargo Flash!

Ray Rice Challenges Any Woman To Fight Him In An Elevator

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“I know I can beat you and I will defeat you”, rhymes Ray Rice

Baltimore, Maryland – Short on cash since he was banned from football, Ray Rice has challenged any woman to fight him in a casino elevator.

The former Baltimore Ravens running back says he is not afraid to fight any woman in an elevator, just as Andy Kaufman bravely dared to fight any woman in the Professional Wrestling ring.

To help raise some needed money for the unemployed football player, these events will be shown live on a Pay-Per-View Channel via hidden elevator security cameras.

Interspersed throughout the broadcast, Ray Rice will be shown doing some taped cooking segments in which he will demonstrate 1. how to beat the crap out of eggs for the perfect omelette, 2. how to tenderize meat by pounding the hell out of it, and 3. how to whip cream real fast.

Bowler Union Plans Multiple Strikes

Bowler Union planning multiple strikes to gain respect.

Bowler Union planning multiple strikes to gain respect.

Bowling Green, Kentucky – The Professional Bowlers Union says it is planning multiple upcoming strikes throughout the country in an effort to gain more respect from the rest of the sports world.

Spokesperson Parker Fonebone III said “it is high time that professional bowlers started getting some more respect from the curlers, fencers, and ping pong players.”

In recent years, bocce ball and cornhole have even passed bowling on the national Sports Respect rankings.

If you drive by your local bowling alley and see protesting bowlers outside, honk your horn to either:

1. Show your support for the pro-bowlers union strike, or

2. Let them know it’s time to get back to work!

Either way, they will know that you care enough to honk at them.

Slowpitch Softball Guy

Friendly Reminders For The Professional Recreational Slowpitch Softball Guy


Slowpitch Softball GuySoftball season is upon us.  That means run-ins with softball guy.  You know, the guy who tries too hard playing in recreational adult slowpitch softball leagues.  The guy who takes things WAY too seriously.  The guy who thinks he is one hit away from getting signed professionally.



Here are some friendly reminders for that Professional Recreational Slowpitch Softball Guy

1.  It’s just a game.

2.  You are not Babe Ruth.

3.  There are no scouts in the bleachers looking to recruit you.

4.  You do not play for the Twins nor are they interested in you.

5.  There is no need to own more than 5 bats.

6.  It is unnecessary to argue with the umpire after every play.  You’re just an asshole.

7.  Your teammates do not appreciate your constant ‘advice’ and ‘tips’.

8.  There IS more to life than recreational softball.

9.  Practicing in a batting cage 5 months before softball season is a waste of time and money.

10.  If playing co-ed, it’s kind of a dick move running over the female catcher so you can score.

11.  Just because you’re team captain doesn’t mean you get to play every minute of the game, play any position you want, and put yourself in the batting order 6 times.

12.  Your teammates don’t appreciate the 11 p.m phone call the night before a game asking them if they are psyched for tomorrow.

13.  Playing on 5 different softball teams is a bit much.

14.  It should not take you anymore than 6 seconds to get ready at the plate. It’s slow pitch softball.  Keyword: SLOW

15.  Stepping away from the plate after already spending 10 seconds getting ready so you have even more time to get ready to hit the ball is FORBIDDEN.

16.  It’s considered weird if you have 5 years of softball statistics saved.  Even weirder if you frame them.

17.  Don’t get pissed if your teammate decides to not kill himself by diving halfway over the fence to spoil a home run.

18. Don’t forget to bring a towel!

19.  It’s not ok to grunt after every swing.  It makes people wonder if there is something wrong with you (which there probably is).

20.  It’s not ok to fight the other team.

21.  Purposely taking walks is not cool.  Swing the bat there, Babe Ruth.

22.  If you literally look like a professional baseball player (eye paint, pants, 2 gloves, shirt, socks, arm bands, full blown under armor gear under your clothes, etc….), you’re out there for the wrong reasons and should just put the bat down and go home.


If you ever do run into ‘softball guy’ just simply ask them one question and one question only, “Why don’t you go pro?”

Bill Burns Wins RRVF Minnow Racing Championship

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Bill Blows

West Fargo, ND – The FM Observer’s own Bill Burns took home the Red River Valley Fair Minnow Racing Tournament championship trophy Friday with what many in the minnow racing community are calling a truly legendary performance. Bill threw his hat in the ring knowing full well what was at stake: a shot at claiming the title of “best damn minnow racer the fair has ever seen”. Well, folks, he delivered.

Bill dropped his minnow in the stream, plunged his straw in and blew his brains out until each minnow made its way to the finish ahead of his opponent’s. Quarterfinal, semifinal, and championship opponents were all completely blown away by Bill’s red-faced efforts. As witness to this magnificent test of internal fortitude, I can honestly say that Bill put forth a hall-of-fame-worthy effort. One for the ages.

The FM Observer will be sponsoring Bill on his national Minnow Racing tour as he travels the countryside capturing trophies from fairs across the United States in pursuit of the National Championship. Congratulations Bill, and best of luck on tour!