McDonald’s Sandwich Lover Awarded $2 Million Settlement

Pittsburgh, PA – A McDonald’s customer suing the world-famous restaurant chain for damages caused after burning himself on a hot Big Mac has won his case. Ryan Deerfield of Pittsburgh, PA took it upon himself to sue after a piping hot Big Mac burned him while he was enjoying it–but not in the way you and I are picturing. Oh no. Deerfield had taken his love for the Big Mac to a whole new level…

Have you ever heard someone profess their love for a restaurant with such vigor and enthusiasm it made you wonder what sort of drugs they were on? Well, Deerfield made his love of the McDonald’s Big Mac very apparent to store patrons one fine day back in February. According to the lawsuit, Deerfield was under quite a spell that upon ordering the Big Mac, he got so “excited” that he decided to take the sandwich to an enclosed bathroom stall where he proceeded to have “carnal relations” with the food item. Ryan had sex with his Big Mac and the meat grease burned his meat.

Ryan filed suit with the company, citing “gross negligence” for selling a sando that was “too hot to handle” much like the coffee burn victim did many years ago. Damages were awarded to the tune of $2 million dollars and a new disclaimer to be posted on the side of every McDonald’s sandwich wrapper:

“Surgeon General Warning: Sandwich not meant for external application. For internal use only.”

Congratulations, Mr. Deerfield, on being awarded for the disgusting act of sando rape. You are a despicable, deplorable human being. It behooves you to chip off the Observer some of that Big Mac love money, bud. Come on. Hook us up!

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Interstrapolating condectistic devariance via opentasmic protensive mindopathy.