Woman Denies Ring, Wants Something Shinier

ringMinneapolis, MN — Lucy Bricklow of Minneapolis rejected her would-be fiancé’s proposal claiming the 57 thousand dollar, 3.06 carat diamond engagement just wasn’t shiny enough to woo her.

Bricklow, hailing from the prestigious Minnetonka lakes area, said even though her boyfriend is still paying off college debt by working at Arby’s, the ring wasn’t shiny or expensive enough to keep her interested. The pair is undergoing couples’ counseling, but hasn’t found a solution to their problem.

“I just don’t know what else I can do,” said boyfriend Melvin Ruetgers. “I’ve been working my ass off since high school to pay for this ring. If this isn’t shiny or expensive enough, then I don’t know what is.”

Bricklow insists she made it clear from day on of the relationship that she wouldn’t settle for anything less than a 3.1 carat ring, but Ruetgers thought otherwise.

“I thought once she saw the ring I bought her should would be blown away,” he said. “But apparently she is looking for something worth more than two years of my salary.”

Both grew up in Minnetonka, a wealthy suburb of the Twin Cities, but while Bricklow enjoyed a beautiful house on the lake, Ruetgers started working at an early age to put himself through college. Ruetgers insists that the ring cleaned out his entire life savings, but Bricklow believes he should have done better.

“There are things shinier than diamonds,” she said. “I’ve seen the movies. He could have bought a ring set with Unobtainium or Arkenstone. Literally, when I looked at the ring I thought ‘this literally isn’t shiny enough to make me say yes.'”

While Ruetgers argued that diamond is “literally” the shiniest material on planet Earth, Bricklow refused to believe it, and “literally” threatened to unload his ass.

“I have worked too hard to make him propose to me,” Bricklow said. “I put my make up on one layer at a time like every other woman. By the time I get it all on, I’m exhausted and all I want is to drink a couple bottles of wine and relax for the night — but then, my boyfriend lays this crap on me. It’s like, what the hell Melvin? I just wish you would apply yourself.”

Despite recent turbulence the couple has remained together, citing a deep foundation as their key to success.

“Lucy is just so nice and down-to-earth,” Ruetgers said. “I couldn’t imagine a day without her freshly bronzed face beating down on mine. Honestly, I think the UV rays from her daily tanning sessions make me tanner too, and I thank her every day for that.”

Bricklow had similar comments, but with a completely opposite message through an unbearably sarcastic tone. Between complaints, she had a few nice things to say.

“Me and Melv have been going out for a long time,” she said.


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Cody Marthaller

I'm biologically human. Full-Time Superhero. Part-Time Human.