ND Measure 9 To Ban Happy Marriages

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Measure 9 is right after Measure 8

Fargo, ND – Due to an avalanche of misleading language, hidden agendas and incompetent proofreaders, North Dakota’s midterm elections will now include a ballot measure that would outlaw all happy marriages.

Measure 9 reads:

This constitutional measure would create and enact a new section to Article Q of the North Dakota Constitution stating, “The inalienable right of every human being to have a miserable marriage at any stage of that marriage must be recognized and protected. No happy, joyous, or blissful domestic union may be recognized as a marriage without an appropriate level of misery.”

“Voters need to understand that the wording of Measure 9 is condensed and simplified for voting day efficiency,” claims Measure 9 sponsor Joe Straitt. “We don’t want folks worrying about the legal consequences of the language, that’s our job. Just have faith that we know what’s best for North Dakotans and their personal relationships. Yes on 9!”

An inside source admits, “Measure 9 has been rewritten so many times, no one can really remember what the original purpose of it was. We just keep supporting it because…well, what else are we going to do with all these posters, flyers, mailers, buttons, signs, flags, banners, pens, mugs, t-shirts and key chains? We’re invested here. Maybe not in a better future, but invested all the same.”

Early polling suggests that Measure 9 is gaining support from voters who identify themselves as “Ball-And-Chain Independents”. Stay tuned to The FMO for up-to-the-minute results.

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Contributing writer since February, 2014.