Polar bear enters North Fargo grocery store in search of food.
North Fargo, ND – In what authorities are describing as a very rare occurrence, a hungry large polar bear wandered into a grocery store in North Fargo.
It is believed that some of these arctic carnivores are being driven South to find food because of Global Melting.
Security video cameras recorded the half ton polar bear entering the back door of the grocery store around midnight.
Polar bear ends up in the canned meats aisle.
Meat manager Branden Caporale said the white polar bear went straight to the fresh fish section after eating a few rare steaks.
Luckily, a pair of off-duty police officers had their tazers handy and the polar bear was able to be eventually detained with two pairs of extra-large handcuffs.
When asked what ever became of the polar bear, Mr. Caporale said that a joint decision was made to offer their customers a limited-time offer of fresh canned polar bear meat, which they can find in the canned meats aisle, right next to the sardines.
Ironically, all of the letters in Branden Caporale can be re-arranged to spell: Canned Polar Bear!
Yes, it’s true. Delaware has broken free from the United States mainland is now floating toward Antarctica.
Dover, Delaware – The entire state of Delaware has somehow broken off from the North American mainland just like an iceberg.
Delaware, along with everyone on it, is now adrift out in the cold Atlantic Ocean.
There are some fears that it could eventually collide (and collude) with a new large Antarctica iceberg which is also the size of Delaware and crawling with hungry polar bears that haven’t eaten for a month.
Possible reasons for Delaware breaking free from the United States include: 1. Climate Change, 2. Global Fracking, 3. Russian Hacking, and/or 4. Political Correctness Pressure to secede from the country before California does.
With Delaware now completely gonzo, the neighboring states of Maryland, Pennsylvania, and New Jersey are way more vulnerable to oceanic erosion and inland shark attacks.
Luckily, the United States still has a nice even number of 50 states because of the recent addition of financially struggling Puerto Rico.
Washington, DC – Last week, in the thrall of a red-hot northern hemisphere summer, the shockingly brittle Larsen C Ice Shelf buckled under the pressure and shed a few trillion tons of unneeded weight. This signifies a huge win for climate change accepters like Al Gore. Climate change deniers remain mum.
The Trump administration is considering a travel enforcement to this new iceberg as compensation for the recent travel ban, a spokesman for a representative of an anonymous member of a Fake News source is said to have maybe repeated early Monday. It is not known who will be forced to travel to the new ‘berg or how they will get there, but do know that mandatory travel is possibly being maybe or not considered.
A brief roundup of things not quite as big as the broken ice shelf:
Bifton Dingwater. Doesn’t have much to say about the broken iceberg.
Donald Trump’s hands
The national debt
United States Tax Code
The Guinness World Record for biggest hamburger ever eaten
An Ice Breakers® sugar-free mint with cooling crystals
Locals are saying that this broken iceberg is definitely NOT a sign of things to come. They are saying it has nothing to do with climate change. “I don’t live in Antarctica. This is North Dakota. Quit bothering me with these weird questions,” says Antarctica resident Bifton Dingwater.
The Observer is of the ilk that maybe NASA ought to freeze-weld that big berg back onto Antarctica before Al Gore blows a gasket.
The Larsen C ice shelf has broken away from Antarctica, a jarring reminder of why we must solve the climate crisis. https://t.co/3ddOminhX3