Tag Archives: army

Groups Of Homeless Living In Trees East Of Glyndon

Each homeless group elects their own mayor.

Glyndon, MN – Even though you perhaps cannot see them from Highway 10 as you’re driving to/fro Detroit Lakes, they can certainly see you driving by.

Many of the groups of trees visible from Highway 10 just East of Glyndon, Minisoda now house numerous groups of homeless people living in hammocks and cleverly designed lean-to shelters.

By mastering most of the survival techniques in the U.S. Army Survival Manual, these groups of homeless folks are “doing quite well for themselves,” so says Dr. Helbert Tessler who has been studying people who live in shelter belts as part of his doctoral thesis for the past 20 years.

Dr. Tessler: “What these survivalists are doing today is not dissimilar to what the original pioneers did back in the 18th century.”

Ironically, Helbert Tessler can be rearranged into: Shelter Belters!

President Trump To Make Salvation Army Part Of U.S. Military

Salvation Army to join U.S. Military per President Trump.

Trump Tower, NY – On Day One of his presidency, President Donald Trump stuck to his campaign promise to make the Salvation Army an equal member of the United States Military.

“This is going to be huge, folks, trust me, it’s going to be great,” uttered the in-coming president.

“Now bell ringers with guns will be able to ring their bells and forcibly collect money all over the world.”

A surprised spokesman for the Salvation Army was overheard in the bathroom saying that “this all has come as quite a shock to both the leadership and rank & file workers of the Salvation Army. I most certainly hope we are all somewhat trained in the use of guns and one-on-one personal self-defense combat fighting!”

A spokeswoman for the new Trump Administration recently announced that each and every existing fricking governmental…
1. department, 2. agency, 3. division, and 4. bureaucracy
will first be…
1. reviewed, 2. interviewed, and 3. analyzed
and then either…
1. downsized, 2. amalgamated, or 3. completely eliminated.

Editor’s Note: Obviously, in the case of the Salvation Army, it is being amalgamated.

Criss Angel To Lead US Army’s New MINDFREAK Infantry

Craig Angel

Craig Angel

Washington, DC – In the desolate, run-down wastelands of the Middle-East, countries are at war. People are blowing stuff up over there at an alarming rate. Blowing things up and blowing each other up and putting our soldiers at serious risk in the process.

That is why Chuck Hagel, Obama’s outgoing Secretary of Defense, has decided as last order of business to implement the power of Magic to the Army’s arsenal of tactics.

Hagel sees Magic as a weapon that our nation’s military can utilize to their benefit:

Chuck Hagel

Chuck Hagel

“We’ve got some of the more prolific magicians on the planet at our disposal here in these United States. Daniel Copperfield, Damien Blaine, Craig Angel. They all possess valuable powers that the military wants to apply to combat. These magicians were forcefully volunteered to contribute their expertise and we’ll have Craig Angel at the helm of our brand new Mindfreak Infantry Battalion.”

Hagel went on to add that the newly-implemented MINDFREAK infantry will contribute its “la-de-da whoop-de-doo Houdini shit” to battle. He also stated that soldiers will be “walkin’ on water and flyin’ without wings” before too long.

Criss Angel sounded excited for this new opportunity to showcase his magical abilities:

“I guess i’m going to teach soldiers how to levitate and do card tricks to pass the time? I don’t really know.”

Kudos to Criss Angel for lending his talents to the United States Military. Criss can hopefully teach soldiers how to steal enemy guns with their minds and maybe even stop bullets like Neo from the Matrix. That would be wicked.

Military Raising The Bar On Combat Readiness Test

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Pull-ups now considered to be cruel and unusual.

Columbia, SC – At Fort Michael Jackson, where most of the army recruits go for basic training, the Military is changing its testing to see who “makes it” and who goes home.

Gone are the days of push-ups, pull-ups, and a two-mile fun run.

The Army no longer wants to test fitness but rather combat readiness.

The FM Observer has learned of some of the new tests that hopeful recruits will have to withstand.

The Military’s New Combat Readiness Test:

1. How many times can you get up off your couch and run to the kitchen for a beer (and drink it) in five minutes?
2. Can you lift and carry a full box of Twinkies without opening it and eating any?
3. How quickly can you walk through an obstacle course while txting an encrypted message on your iPhone?
4. Can you find five randomly selected items on the Internet using Google search?
5. How long does it take you to fall asleep and then wake up and perfectly make your bed?
6. Can you cook and then eat an edible omelette using some randomly chosen ingredients?
7. After some shots of tequila, can you legibly sign your name and then properly parallel park a Hummer?
8. How long does it take you to find North after being blindfolded and spun around?
9. Can you remember and repeat back a list of ten items which might be found in a hardware store?
10. How long can you hold your breath while they drive by to spray for the Zika Virus?

Butterfinger Cancels “Official Candy Bar Of The Russian Army” Contract

Butterfinger says "Nyet"

Butterfinger says “Nyet”

Geneva, Switzerland – Following the crash of Malaysian flight MH-17 over eastern Ukraine Thursday, Nestle’s Butterfinger brand has cancelled its lucrative contract with Russia’s Military as the “Official Candy Bar of the Russian Army”.

In a statement released earlier today, Nestle CEO Saul Lessman explained, “Although the details of this terrible tragedy are still unknown, Nestle and its subsidiaries have made the difficult decision to end our partnership with the Russian Military.  Our company is troubled by reports surrounding this event, and feel the Butterfinger-Army connection may be inappropriate at this time.”

Lessman was quick to quash rumors that other contracts around the world were in jeopardy.  “To our stockholders, rest assured that this incident has no bearing on Nestle’s other international partnerships.  Baby Ruth remains the “Official Pro-Life Snack” worldwide, and our Pixy Stix continue to be extremely popular as “Taliban Treats”.  Closer to home, Colorado has recently adopted Laffy Taffy as the “Official State Candy” and we are very close to a sweet deal with the Los Zetas Cartel regarding our $100,000 Grand Bar.”

After losing the coveted ISIS account to Hershey’s last month, Lessman seemed hopeful about Nestle’s future in the region. “We feel that our swift action with Butterfinger has maintained the integrity of our brand for upcoming ventures.  That’s our motto: Integrity.  Well, that and, Nobody’s Gonna Lay a Finger on my Butterfinger.”