Tag Archives: battle

Baseball-Sized Mosquitoes Now Fargo’s Second Pandemic

Carry a baseball bat to “deal with” baseball-sized mosquitoes!

Fargo, North Dakota – Planning any outdoor activities? Better bring a baseball bat!

Experts agree that this summer’s rainy pattern has been ideal for the formation of a bumper crop of unusually large mosquitoes.

Our Dr. Goombi Quist admits that “some of the mosquitoes in the greater Fargo-Moorhead area are so large that they don’t fit into the mosquito collection traps used by Vector Control.”

While citronella candles are flying off the shelves in a minimal effort to deal with the needle-nosed menaces, so too are baseball bats.

Dr. Quist reminds folks to make sure you don’t accidentally hit grandma in the head when madly swinging a baseball bat to kill a killer mosquito.

Naturally, all of the letters in Goombi Quist can be re-arranged to spell: Big Mosquito!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Asked To Help Fight The Corona Virus

Super heros to fight super virus!

Super heroes to fight super virus!

Atlanta, GA – The Trump Administration is wisely asking the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for assistance in fighting the Corona Virus War.

President Trump is personally calling upon the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Team to lead our country’s fight against the latest spreading viral threat.

“As this Corona Virus is really starting to go viral, it totally makes sense to have the team of Leo, Mikey, Raph, and Donnie be on the front lines to battle this sick Corona Virus because these Super Turtles have a natural immunity to the Corona Virus,” tweets the president.

The FM Observer has also learned that one possible option on the table is for those who have contracted the Corona Virus to be placed in comfortable Governmental Sick Camps where they can be cared for by the Turtle Team, while being completely quarantined safely away from the rest of society.

Further Funding For “Fort Fargo” Finally Finds Feasible Financial Footing

A rare look inside the main bunker of Fort Fargo.

Fargo, ND – What many have been fighting for for forty four fruitless fortnights may soon finish with fruitional finality.

The remains of Fort Fargo, which was originally built at the beginning of Fargo’s war with Moorhead, will officially become a preserved historical site, right next to a major museum honoring those who fought in this famous battle.

Those who have been fighting for funding for the Fort Fargo Museum & Historical Site raised glasses to toast that the North Dakota Legislature finally voted in favor of committing public funds to this worthy project.

After a nearly fourteen year debate, the N.D. House voted to use forty million dollars from a combination of the state treasury and loans from the Bank of North Dakota to financially fund the costs of Fort Fargo.

If you feel that you have any historical artifacts possibly from the Fargo/Moorhead War that should be included in the new F/M War Museum, please contact the Fort Fargo Foundation for further instructions on what to do and how to do it.

Storm Gandolf Fargo North Dakota

Bill Burns Defends Fargo From Storm Gandolf. His Story.

Storm Gandolf Fargo North DakotaFargo, ND – Storm Gandolf, according to the media, was supposed to be a storm apocalypse.  Those two words “storm apocalypse’ are what sprung me into action.  I wasn’t going to sit by and watch my fellow Fargoans being forced to blow storm gandolf.  That is why on the evening of 01/11/2013, I grabbed a parka and a crowbar and headed out the door to do battle.

Sooner than later there I was, sitting in the middle of a field waiting for Gandolf to show itself.  I was five hours in now.  Stomach was starting to make noises and my mouth dry, wanting nothing more then a sip of something hot or cold.  Since I only had a parka and crowbar I had to improvise.  To quench my thirst, I dug a small hole, filled it with snow, then dipped my huge big and hot balls into the snow thereby melting it and making a very nice cup of low-sodium hot water.  Looking back at it now, if it wasn’t for that ball water, I don’t think I’d still be here.

Hot water in my stomach and feeling good, the wind started to whisper at me.  “Gandolf!  Is that you?” I shouted in such a manly voice, I believe a woman living on a distant farm became pregnant at that very moment.  “Show yourself!” I screamed.

At that moment a snow wave burst up from the field and made it’s way straight for me, yelling nasty, violent, and obscene obscenities at me.  I remember them well and they haunt me to this day.  This ‘snow wave’ was a penis.  It was a very large, cold, and mean penis made out of snow.

Right as this large penis was about to attack, I shoved my crowbar right into the beasts opening.  The penis tip if you will.  At that very moment, the storm burst into millions of tiny white snowflakes which started to lightly rain down on me.

I knew it was a success.  I saved the people of the Farg0-Moorhead area from Storm Gandolf.

So there you have it.  You now know the real reason Storm Gandolf was non-existent for the fargo-moorhead residents.