Many Lutheran church sanctuaries will soon be filling up with birds.
Dulutheran, MN – The Angelical Lutheran Church Of America (ALCOA) announced that it will become the denomination that opens its sanctuary doors up to any and all types of birds.
Ms. Rose Grosbeak is the spokeswoman for ALCOA: “Each church sanctuary will be opened up as a safe-haven bird sanctuary for migrating birds who perhaps need temporary or permanent shelter.”
Ms. Grosbeak explains that architecturally, most Lutheran church sanctuaries have a lot of interior height which will help provide the birds ample room to fly around in, while using the offering plates up on the main alters as feeding stations.
Various Lutheran member groups will be making bird nests along with cute little painted bird houses for the many different types of birds that are expected to take advantage of the new Lutheran bird sanctuary pronouncement.
Birdeye, Arkansas – With the Avian Flu starting to spread its nasty wings, it might be helpful for us all to know the signs of a Sick Bird.
After months and months of careful research, the FM Observer has put together a fairly long short-list of the most common ways to identify a bird that may be carrying the dreaded Bird Flu:
1. Flies into walls and windows at full speed. 2. Just generally looks kind of “koo-koo.” 3. Spontaneous dry heave-tweeting. 4. Sits in bird bath eating off-brand chicken soup. 5. Calls in sick multiple times a day. 6. Uses too much beak lotion. 7. Unusual bleeding from the eyes. 8. Tries to mate with its own reflection. 9. Refers to all other birds as “Harold.” 10. Sings “Smoke On The Water” instead of its normal birdsong. 11. Nest is made entirely of Doritos. 12. Incessantly posts bird flu jokes on its Twitter account. 13. Repeatedly steals the Jehovah’s Witness propaganda from your doorknob. 14. Flies into a pharmacy looking for XanaX. 15. It flu North, when all its friends flew South.
If you notice a sickly bird manifesting any of these signs, first try not to panic, then immediately call your local Avian Flu Response Center Association and mention the Promo Code KTG723JWSKFYS3V2M.
Flamingo Road, FL – Angered by the recent government shut-down’s effect on business at FlamingoLand, and the fact that Obamacare is only for humans and not for birds, hundreds of pink flamingos are threatening to go on strike.
One of our more avian FM Observers reported that: “Hundreds of these gorgeous birds are flaming mad and are seriously threatening to get the flock out of here. I haven’t seen anything like this since that massive cat fight at a Fargo strip club, that nobody ever goes to, but whose parking lot is always full.”
Apparently some folks driving by the flock are being flipped the bird, as a sign that these flamingos mean business and want to talk some turkey.
Grebance counselors are being bussed in from neighboring ponds in a last-bitch effort to curtail the strike. If the Flamingo Union’s demands are not met, they might file a formal grebance (the common legal course of action by birds in the Grebe Family).
Even though flamingos are usually non-migratory creatures, they are still threatening to fly the coop and take their colorful culture to pinker pastures, where being disrespected is the exception and not the norm.
Osprey, FL – New information is being leaked by the Governmental Leak Information Bureau (G.L.I.B.) about federally trained birds that are now being used for domestic surveillance. Ospreys (click on picture) and other large birds are helping Big Brother spy on you.
Gordon Meinkampf heads up the Center for Bird-Held Cameras (C.B.C.). He and his well-paid staff have been training and testing many types of large birds to see which work the best for the purposes of domestic surveillance, spying, and even some predatory attacks.
Mr. Meinkampf says: “I am not allowed to answer any of your questions as to what we secretly do here at the CBC, other than to say that anytime you see an: osprey, eagle, raven, pelican, cormorant, vulture, condor, or red-tailed hawk, chances are pretty darn good that it’s probably one of ours. You might as well smile for the high-definition digital mini-cam with super-zoom lens that’s attached to that nice friendly bird.”
Anyone caught tampering with a bird and/or its camera will be easily identified and brought to justice under the full extent of the law. “Try to act normally and be yourself.” says Gordon. “Just because we’re always able to watch you, doesn’t mean you have to worry that something bad is going to happen…like an IRS audit, for instance.”