Tag Archives: children

Child And His Parent Fail To Sell Your Cheap Ass A Magazine Subscription

MV5BMjE0NDY2MzkxNl5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwMzM5NDA5Nw@@._V1_SX640_SY720_Fargo, ND—For the third consecutive year, Tommy and his father Craig have stopped by your house unannounced to try and sell you some junk publication you’ll never read. And for the third consecutive year, your cheap ass said no.

“Hi. I was wondering if you’d like to make a small purchase? I am selling candy, popcorn, magazines–” little Tommy started out as you interrupted his opener with a stern “Not interested, thank you.”

Your penny-pinching butt wasted no time shutting down Tommy, crushing his fragile little ego in the process as his father scowled at you from behind. The look of sheer dejection on his face apparently meant nothing to you…? They were just trying to make a quick buck for their school program, you tightwad.

At press time, the Observer is predicting that you also intend on ignoring trick-or-treaters this Halloween. We will update this story as we learn more.

Youngsters Drinking Coffee A Disturbing New Trend

Maybe your kids are drinking coffee!

Maybe your kids are drinking coffee!

Fargo, ND – In what many parents are seeing as a disturbing new trend, a growing number of very young children are drinking cups of coffee to get that “high school” feeling.

Fargo police have been secretly watching children as young as kindergartners and first graders going into an unsuspecting Walmart store and buying a Mr. Coffee machine.

Some undercover police officers have actually reported watching “small groups of little kids congregate in garages while the parents are gone and hosting wild coffee drinking parties”.

If your young children are acting strange, carefully watch for signs of coffee usage.

Please report any of these tell-tail signs immediately to the police: missing coffee, hyperactivity, dilated pupils, excessive talking, coffee-stained teeth, Mr. Coffee machines, or used coffee filters and coffee cups in the garage.

FDA Issues Recall of 20 Million Spoiled Rotten Children

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Warning: Spoiled brats hazardous to your health.

Washington, DC – In an unprecedented move, the Food and Drug Administration has issued a recall of what experts are calling the most toxic substance in America: its own spoiled rotten children.  While these whining brats have long been known to cause a variety of symptoms ranging from mild irritation to severe psychosis, emerging science indicates the problem is far more serious than previously thought.

In a statement released to the media, FDA spokesperson, Harold Schwartz said, “This recall is absolutely essential in order to protect the public from the damaging effects of spoiled rotten child exposure.  The soccer mom in Connecticut who had a stroke buying 17 tiaras at Baby Versace was just the tip of the iceberg.  Without drastic intervention, our models predict that human suffering in our country will reach epic proportions by 2020.  The carnage will be devastating, especially in the suburbs.”

Data indicates that spoiled rotten children are now the number one contributing factor in the overall decline of American health.  Noted endocrinologist, Dr. Ewan Meeman, explains, “We estimate that the body’s inflammatory response to such children is 100 times stronger than to a rattlesnake bite.  With regards to toxicity, you’d be better off chugging Drano right out of the bottle than spending five minutes in a room with one of these death traps.”

When asked about how the FDA plans to handle 20 million recalled children, Mr. Schwartz admitted, “Well, the committee that was working to tackle that issue has been, ahem, released from duty.  I’ll be honest, some of the ‘disciplinary procedures’ they came up with were a little unprofessional.  Ok, for real, they were downright disturbing.”

To protect yourself, the FDA recommends avoiding schools, parks, malls, long plane rides and any restaurants that offer childrens’ menus.  In addition, they strongly urge all Americans to refrain from visiting Disney theme parks until further notice.

Oscar The Grouch

Oscar The Grouch Admits He Is Made Of Marijuana

Oscar The Grouch
Oscar The Grouch, a muppet character from the ever so popular kids show Sesame Street, has finally come clean about himself.

Today on Good Morning America, Oscar has revealed to the world that he is actually made out of Marijuana.

“I feel it was time to finally come clean about myself.  I am indeed, one big nug of weed.”

Parents Television Council have been in a huff since this revelation as Sesame Street is a childrens television show.

Concerned parents are afraid Oscar The Grouch will endanger their children, turn them into murderers, and become a gateway to more hardcore drugs.  However, after speaking with some current and former children on the show, they stated that they have been smoking Oscar The Grouch for quite sometime now which explains why they always seem so happy on the show.

oscar the grouch smoking weed

Oscar states that he does not put pressure on any children to smoke him but does admit it helps him, as well as the children, deal with the fact that there is a big yellow talking bird on the show.  It also calms his nerves due to the stress of living in a garbage can all his life.

West Fargo To Implement New Bike Lane Law Effective Immediately

West Fargo, ND – Concerned West Fargo citizens held a town hall meeting last week that created enough concern, the West Fargo Police Department will implement a new bike lane law EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.

Tim (The Toxic Ninja) Thompson, the neighborhood superhero, was riding his mountain bike early last week when he spotted an overweight child or “fat kid” riding a small motorized scooter on the bike path.  See picture below.

No Longer Allowed

What he just witnessed made Tim (The Toxic Ninja) Thompson immediately reminisce about his childhood days where he actually had to physically push his scooter with his legs and feet such as the one below.  This involved an almost full body workout which, back in the day, believe it or not, was considered good for you.

A Real Scooter

Angry and concerned, Tim had to fulfill his superhero duties and call in a town hall meeting.  Here, the citizens heard Tim’s plea and all agreed.  No longer are fatkids allowed to ride motorized scooters on all West Fargo City bike paths effective immediately.

The police department would like to advise parents to have their overweight children use any transportation that actually involves physically moving your body to move it.  Like the scooter pictured above.  It also includes the overweight children themselves.  Meaning, have them walk.  No longer should you wheelbarrow them around, roll them from point a to b, or have them ride motorized scooters.