Warning: Spoiled brats hazardous to your health.
Washington, DC – In an unprecedented move, the Food and Drug Administration has issued a recall of what experts are calling the most toxic substance in America: its own spoiled rotten children. While these whining brats have long been known to cause a variety of symptoms ranging from mild irritation to severe psychosis, emerging science indicates the problem is far more serious than previously thought.
In a statement released to the media, FDA spokesperson, Harold Schwartz said, “This recall is absolutely essential in order to protect the public from the damaging effects of spoiled rotten child exposure. The soccer mom in Connecticut who had a stroke buying 17 tiaras at Baby Versace was just the tip of the iceberg. Without drastic intervention, our models predict that human suffering in our country will reach epic proportions by 2020. The carnage will be devastating, especially in the suburbs.”
Data indicates that spoiled rotten children are now the number one contributing factor in the overall decline of American health. Noted endocrinologist, Dr. Ewan Meeman, explains, “We estimate that the body’s inflammatory response to such children is 100 times stronger than to a rattlesnake bite. With regards to toxicity, you’d be better off chugging Drano right out of the bottle than spending five minutes in a room with one of these death traps.”
When asked about how the FDA plans to handle 20 million recalled children, Mr. Schwartz admitted, “Well, the committee that was working to tackle that issue has been, ahem, released from duty. I’ll be honest, some of the ‘disciplinary procedures’ they came up with were a little unprofessional. Ok, for real, they were downright disturbing.”
To protect yourself, the FDA recommends avoiding schools, parks, malls, long plane rides and any restaurants that offer childrens’ menus. In addition, they strongly urge all Americans to refrain from visiting Disney theme parks until further notice.