Tag Archives: global cooling

Because Of Global Change, Geese Don’t Know Which Direction To Migrate

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The goose population is arguing amongst themselves as to which direction to fly.

Goose Village, Nebraska – Wildlife biologists are noticing confusion amongst the migrating goose population.

Professional bird watchers are observing that migrating geese seem “very confused” as to which direction to fly for their annual migration to Spring break.

Biologist Sue Coons-Fodge says: “We believe that the combination of Global Warming and Global Cooling is creating a major bombogenesis which is causing some serious disorientation for these poor little geese.”

Sue goes on: “Hopefully they’ll get it all figured out in time to travel North, where they can party, and have sex, in order to hatch more future confusion.”

Predictably, all the letters in Sue Coons-Fodge can migrate into: Confused Goose!

Tie-Dyed Wind Chill Map Warms Hearts Of Former Hippies

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Tie-Dye Wind-Chills :o)

Grand Forks, ND – Some former hippies who now work for the National Weather Service believe one of their recent windchill maps hearkened back to tie-dyed shirts from days gone by.

Buzz Marley, assistant climatologist since 1970: “Wow, man. Like we got a lot of calls about this map, dude.”

Arlo Zappa, radar technician since Woodstock: “A lot of people really seemed to respond to the tie-dye nature of how we’re mapping the wind chill!”

Karma Krishna, chief meteorologist since the Grateful Dead died: “These tie-dye maps are really super cool, especially if you’re listening to music at the same time.”

Abominable Snowman Comes To Fargo Area In Search Of Mate

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Yeti or not, here he comes!

Fargo, ND – Have you been wondering: Why is it so darn cold these days?

Answer: Yeti, the abominable snowman, has temporarily left the Arctic Circle long enough to hopefully find himself a mate.

Why now? Because this is the mating season of the abominable snowman, since our winter is actually his Spring.

Experts agree it’s no accident that the word climate is made up of the words: climb + mate.

Why Fargo? No one is quite sure but it’s believed that Yeti has gotten lucky here in the past.

Yetiologists believe that negative windchill factors are how Mr. Abominable attracts his mate. So, the stronger the attraction, the colder it feels.

Algore Sends Frigid Polar Vortex Into North Dakota As Punishment For Fracking

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It is best to not piss off the Godfather of Global Climate Change.

Devils Lake, ND – The Godfather of Global Warming has decided to punish the northern half of MegaKota by routing the icy Polar Vortex back into our entire region.

FMO: “Algore, why did you decide to blast Northern Megakota with a mega-dose of bone chilling Arctic air?”

Algore: “Well, now, I will tell you why. So, sometimes we have to use a carrot and/or a stick. Because of all the terrible horizontal fracking that’s been going on, which I have said is a big No-No, North Dakota needs a strong dis-incentive to not continue with this naughty practice.”

During the near foreseeable future, concerned weatherologists are warning that Global Cooling will be moving in, much like a prolonged uncomfortable visit from your in-laws.

Long Cold Winter Starting To Take Its Effect On Normal People

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At the beginning of winter, this person was just a normal looking guy.

Fargo, ND – Are you starting to feel the negative effects of winter? Do normally easy small tasks seem bigly challenging?

Maybe you’re suffering from WHAKOH like most other people living in Fargo. WHAKOH stands for: Winter Hits All Kind Of Hard.

If the idea of going to the grocery store to get a few basic items feels like you’re preparing to cross Antarctica by sled, you have a case of WHAKOH.

If having to do any snow blowing or shoveling feels tantamount to getting a root canal, you are going WHAKOH.

Our very own Dr. Willy Nilly suggests joining a square dancing group or take regular trips to any of the local liquor stores.

Also, marking the days (or even the hours) off on a large calendar sometimes helps to visually remind you that winter will some day be over.

Man Who Had Just Figured Out Solution To Climate Change Problem Hit By Bus

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Man with a plan no longer can remember it after getting hit by a bus.

Fargo, ND – Mr. Lonnie Clayhanger had just had the ultimate solution to the Global Climate Change problem suddenly dawn on him.

While he was then attempting to carefully walk across the street to jot it down at a Subway sandwich shop, Mr. Clayhanger was sadly hit by a driverless city bus.

Unfortunately for our entire global community, the accident has left Lonnie with acute, Level III amnesia.

As expected, the driver of the driverless bus has officially been cited for distracted driving by use of a smartphone.

Moral: Don’t cross the street to jot down your idea.

Older Cats Not Too Hip On Trendings Of Younger “Cool Cats”

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Young Felix gets some strong negative feedback from Mama Cat for wearing his new hip hat.

Cathead, PA – There seems to be a growing disconnect between older “establishment” cats and the new younger generation of kittens.

For example, some young kittens, like little Felix, are starting to wear hats to make themselves “look cool” and stand out.

Mama Cat ain’t too keen on Felix wearing his new hat, nor is she super hip on young Felix listening to Miles Davis jazz.

Felix’s mom, Mama Cat, likes a shallow bowl of milk while relaxing to music by Cat Stevens, and sometimes even finds herself meowing along to the musical Cats.

Conversely, young Felix often jams out to Cat Power, Pussy Cat Dolls, and Cat Empire while nibbling on sushi catfish, and sharing some recreational catnip with his “cool cat” friends.

Then when Mama Cat thinks it’s time for a restful cat nap, young Felix and his cat-nipped friends get busier than a one-eyed cat watching two mouse holes.

Global Warming Changing Algore Into A Reptile

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Algore is now becoming Lizard Man!?

Lizarda, Brazil – While in South America giving speeches about Global Warming, Algore has reportedly begun changing into what appears to be a reptile.

Local Brazilian newspapers are now referring to the Climate Change expert as “Homem Lagarto” (Lizard Man).

Some believe that the warmer climate is changing the former vice president into a reptilian human lizard while others think he may have been bitten by a rabid lizard during a jungle camping expedition into the Amazon rain forest.

What do you think about this?

Do you believe in Herpetology?

Are you for or against Global Warming?

Where do you see yourself in 100 years?

Are you willing to fight for peace?

Global Spinning Is Increasing In Speed; Is It Too Late To Try And Put The Brakes On?

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The speeding up of Global Spinning could have some seriously bad consequences.

Spinnerville, NY – Governmental experts are now warning inhabitants of Earth that the spinning of our planet is really speeding up.

Algore, who seems to be the most expert expert on this impotent issue, is predicting that this increase in speed of Earth’s rotation on its axis is caused by Man (mainly in the United States) and he believes that we’all should be heavily taxed so that governmental workers can try to fix the problem.

“Global Spinning is a very, very serious problem which could send some people and animals flying right off the planet and straight into outer space,” says Algore.

How do you feel about the problem of Global Spinning, or don’t you care? What would you do if you suddenly flew off the Earth because it’s spinning too fast? Would you pay more in taxes so your government can wisely spend that money to slow down the spinning of the Earth? Would you be willing to join the Space Force? How much can you bench press right now?

Area Marshes Getting Really Bogged Down

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Experts all agree that people in the future will fight over any dry land that still exists.

Wetonka, SD – With the sudden gradual onset of Global Wetting, marshlands in our area are beginning to get really bogged down.

“These low-lying wetlands are becoming so darned waterlogged that some are now being categorized as Level III marshy quagmires,” says Pete Bogg, executive director of The War On Wetlands.

Climatologists believe that with the additional rain expected to fall over the next 100 years, the Dakotas will be very similar to a giant bowl of swampy vegetable soup, with no dry land to drink beer on.

“I don’t want to cause a mass panic, but just imagine having extremely wet socks…for the rest of your life, and then multiply that times infinity,” warns Pete Bogg, as he sips his dry martini while reaching for another Xanax.