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Kangaroo Boxing Coming To Fargo

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Boppers, the boxing kangaroo, is coming to Fargo and looking for some worthy challengers.

Fargo, ND – The Australian champion kangaroo boxer is coming to Fargo. Boppers is his name and boxing is his game.

Kangaroo boxing is one of the most popular sports down under in Australia. The sport is quickly gaining popularity in the United States.

When his trainers and handlers asked Boppers where he wanted to go in the United States, Boppers indicated on the map that Fargo was his choice.

Boppers will take on any challengers in the form of one adult male, or a pair of adult females, or any three teenagers, or any four children under the age of twelve.

Boppers will fight any challengers in either traditional boxing or full contact fighting. If you are considering the full contact event, please remember that Boppers has one very large tail and two very large feet.

This unique event is currently being planned to be held at The Hub in Fargo but may be moved to a larger venue such as the Civic Center or Fargodome if needed.

If you are interested in fighting Boppers, please contact the FM Observer or The Hub and indicate what type of team and level of fighting experience you would bring to the challenge.

Other important information about Boppers to carefully consider before a challenge: Boppers is twice as fast as Muhammad Ali and thrice as powerful as Mike Tyson. Boppers is constantly watching videos of classic boxing matches on large flat-screen TVs throughout his training center. Boppers is very proud of his record: 1,230 wins and zero losses.

ISIS Family Celebrates Joyous “Death To America” Holiday

article-2417354-1BC1FC32000005DC-108_634x317Al Jalaa, Syria—ISIS families across the Middle-East are set to gather around the tire fire tomorrow evening for their yearly Death To America holiday celebration. Death To America day coincides with the American holiday of Thanksgiving.

Terrorists are excited for this year’s festivities. “ISIS يكره ويريد أن يقتل الأميركيين كل يوم باعتبارها وسيلة للحياة، ولكن مرة واحدة في السنة التقويمية، ونحن نجتمع في وئام والغضب. الموت لأمريكا” (ISIS hates and wants to kill Americans every day as a way of life, but once in a calendar year, we meet in harmony, angry. Death to America), said terrorist Kabal Akhbar-Jalalabad in an interview via Skype. “نشاهد الأخبار الخاصة بك، ونحن نرى البرامج التلفزيونية الخاصة بك. السعادة نحن يحتقر ذلك. الطريقة الأميركية في الحياة يزعج بشدة الله وجميع أولئك الذين يتبعون. الموت للكفار, (We watch your news, we see your TV programs. Happiness: We despise it. American way of life strongly disturbs Allah and all those who follow. Death to the infidels,)” he added, while tonguing his AK-47.

Akhbar-Jalalabad went on to explain that he is taking his family to Chuck Cheeze. After that, they will return home to perform their “Death to Infidels” ceremony where the family sits huddled around the tire fire with each child picking a random family out of a US phone book whom the child wishes death to via a series of heartwarming Islamic incantations.

The ceremony is typically followed by ritualistic slaughter of Sacred Chickens but times are tough, says Akhbar-Jalalabad, so they are without Sacred Chickens this year. “ربما نحن جزار تركيا الثمين بدلا من ذلك، ها ها ها ها ها. الموت لأمريكا. (Maybe we butcher Turkey precious instead, ha ha ha. Death to America.)”

Red River Diversion On Hold Due To Analysis Paralysis

Diversion map to be made into quilt.

Diversion map to be made into quilt.

Red River Valley – After years of maps and meetings, officials are throwing their hands up and saying “Enough is enough!”

“We give up and need a fucking break from all this shit.” said Norman Assberger, chairman of the Diversion Research Information Project (DRIP).

“If one more person comes up to me in the grocery store and wants to talk about ‘The Diversion’, I swear my fist is going to land in their fracking face.” he continued.

With tensions building between opposing groups regarding where the Red River diversion should go, a past all-star wrestler/governor suggested having an alcohol-induced free-for-all brawl to reduce the level of animosity amongst former friends who now are on opposite sides of this polarizing issue.

Some are talking about the possibility of having a ‘Diversion to the Diversion’. This would translate into bringing in Shania’s Twain for a special series of concerts in the Fargo-Moorhead area.

At some participating retirement homes in the area, the map of the diversion project will be made into beautiful quilts in an effort to raise enough money so that members of the Diversion Committee can go on an extended vacation to some remote island and experience the relaxing effects of hot-stone massage therapy.

Professional mediator and website-ordained pastor Harry Bongmeister says that he has seen this type of situation before.

“Yeah, I seen this type of situation before, don’t cha know. Back when them there sugar beet union workers were locked outta that there one building. After too much stress, people just start to snap, crackle, and pop!”

“My professional advice would be: If ya don’t like the stress of being in the limelight no more, take that there lime and mix it with a generous portion of tequila, and propose a few margarita toasts to yourself, if ya know what I’m saying. It certainly works for me!”

How To Build An Underground Bunker


Build your very own underground bunker!

Your Town, USA – In our on-going effort to bring you free adult education classes, the FM Observer is proud to present our next, in a series of lessons for modern day survival.

This article focuses on “How To Build Your Own Underground Bunker”.

Like us, if you have ever desired to live in a unique home, and also wanted to have the CIA-type security of an underground bunker, this lesson is just for you.

Underground bunkers come in all shapes and sizes and can range from small storage bunkers to entire living facilities equipped with beds, food, and beer.

Whatever your paranoia, an underground bunker is sure to solve your problems, and give you and your family the peace-of-mind you seek.

Here are a few simple steps to build your very own underground bunker:

1. Design your underground bunker. Plan your work before you work your plan.

2. Build it yourself or hire a qualified contractor. Make sure you find someone who can keep a secret.

3. Ensure that your underground bunker is safe and well lit. Check for improper ventilation and avoid a roof collapse.

4. Stock your underground bunker with everything that you and your loved ones will need. Take a trip to Sam’s Club and buy at least $250 of supplies, including water, non-perishable foods, and Advil.

5. Enjoy your underground bunker for the rest of your natural life!

Please feel free to send in photos of your underground bunker to the FM Observer. We’ll show you ours, if you show us yours.

Downer Changing Its Name To Xanax

Time for a name change...from Downer to Xanax.

Time for a name change…from Downer to Xanax.

Downer, MN – The sleepy town of Downer, Minnesota says it is time for a name change. All seven residents voted unanimously to change the name from Downer to Xanax.

The mayor of Downer, speaking from his basement couch, said: “The name Downer has served us well for hundreds of years, but it is time for a new beginning. As of January 1st, 2017, I will certify that the official new name of our town will be Xanax. We believe Xanax will more aptly reflect the feeling and energy level of this humble little community.”

If you are a person who suffers from panic attacks, anxious insomnia, or are just clinically depressed, Xanax might just be the place for you.

Please call 9-1-1 if you start to develop hives, or you can no longer breathe, or if your face and lips begin to swell up.

Stop living in Xanax if you have constant thoughts of suicide or hurting yourself.

Xanax might not be the best place for you if you no longer fear danger and your behavioral patterns swing toward unusual risk-taking, coupled with profound confusion and hyperactivity.

Have someone call a doctor if hallucinations lead to hostility and unnecessary agitation.

If you think you might pass out, or find that you can no longer urinate, it might not have been such a good idea to move to Xanax in the first place.

New Trans-Sexual Hair Salon Opens In Moorhead


Flaire Dane is proud to be a trans-sexual.

Moorhead, MN – A brand new hair salon will soon be opening in Moorhead.

 And it’s name shall be Flaire.

It shall exclusively cater to transsexuals.

And it’s name shall be Flaire.

Owner, Flaire Dane, hopes to attract transsexuals from Madison to Miles City.

“I see Flaire as a wonderful place to connect with other beautiful transsexuals from around the region.” s/he says.

“And at the same time, have your hair transformed into a look that we shall create expecially for you, as a proud transsexual.”

Why Moorhead?

Flaire Dane says that Moorhead is perfect for Flaire because Moorhead is hip and quirky, just like your average transsexual.

What are other transsexuals saying about the arrival of Flaire?

Blanche Queensland said: “Because of Flaire, me and all my special transsexual friends will be heading to Moorhead just to hang out.”

S/he goes on: “Me see Moorhead as the Leith, ND for transsexuals.”

“Me see transsexuals from all over the country transporting themselves to Moorhead, and transforming this odd little community into the TransSexual Capitol of America.”

And it’s name shall be Flaire.

World’s Greatest Dad Mug Added to Dad Hall Of Fame

worlds_greatest_dad_mug-rb7ab8b6caef243e4aed25519a6fdf9a0_x7jgr_8byvr_512Flint, MI—The results are in! The yearly induction of fatherly memorabilia into the Dad Hall Of Fame has been decided. Executives have voted to induct the World’s Greatest Dad mug into the Dad Hall Of Fame in Flint, Michigan.

The coronation and induction ceremony was held Wednesday, November 13th so as not to interrupt any televised football, baseball or meaningful basketball games.

It was a tight race. World’s Greatest Dad mug beat out other finalist Kiss The Cook apron with a little over 60% of the vote.

Officials placed the World’s Greatest Dad mug in between a pair of cut-off jorts and a pair of Crocs with socks.

Google Maps Street View Boat Discovers Bermuda Triangle

Google-Street-View-BoatMountain View, CA—Google’s proprietary mapping application Google Maps continues to bring locations around the globe to the tips of your fingers with its roving band of Street View camera cars, jeeps and boats. There is reason to celebrate today at Google headquarters as the Street View team seems to have hit the jackpot with their latest discovery.


The Bermuda Triangle

The second they are taken, Street View vehicles transmit pictures instantaneously via satellite to Google headquarters in Mountain View, CA.

One of Google’s spyboats snapped this photo (seen at right) from smack dab in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean between Puerto Rico, Florida and Bermuda—also known as the Bermuda Triangle. A giant suction vortex can be seen in the photo which was presumably taken moments before the unmanned spyboat met its doom.

Google executives and Bermuda Triangle theorists alike are ecstatic over the discovery of this giant drainage system in the Atlantic. NASA has already caught wind of it and is said to be preparing a Mars rover for deployment into the Bermuda Sinkhole.

So there you have it–the Bermuda Triangle is an enormous toilet. Perhaps we will finally figure out where all those planes and boats disappeared to over the years?

Meth Revealed To Be Totally Awesome In Small Doses

methFargo, ND—A recent study concludes that methamphetamine, the horribly corrosive and addictive narcotic, is said to be “totally awesome” in small doses.

Researchers at the Fargo Institute of Technology (FIT) conducted internal field studies using meth they obtained “discreetly” and have determined it can be used “sporadically” with very positive results.

“Methamphetamine, or “meth” as it is commonly called, can be synthesized using over-the-counter medications and if consumed at the proper frequency, can really energize a person, thus making them drastically happier and more productive.” FIT said in a report released today. It went on to say that “Meth is much more powerful than caffeine, and if used on an infrequent basis in a controlled environment it can and does produce overwhelmingly powerful results.”

The proper frequency is stated to be “less than once per hour, on an as-needed basis” in order to control addiction. If used in this frequency, meth is reported by FIT to be “totally fucking awesome” and “kicks ass dude you wouldn’t believe it.”

Santa’s Warning Letter To Naughty Children

Don't piss me off or you ain't getting a damn thing!

Don’t piss me off or you ain’t getting a damn thing!

The North Pole – Fargo was recently in the national news for a lady’s obesity letter being given out to fat trick-or-treaters. Now, children in the greater Fargo-Moorhead area are being targeted once again.

Santa Claus and his wife will soon be sending out warning letters to any kids who have become too materialistic.

Santa used to only need one toy per child for Christmas. That number has climbed to ten or more in recent years, making Santa and his team quite pissed off.

The FM Observer somehow got to preview one of these warning letters from Santa:


Dear ______:

Hello from the real Santa!

Mrs. Claus and I have noticed that in the last few years, you have become way too focused on getting lots of fancy toys for Christmas. Instead of celebrating the birth of the Baby Jesus, you only care about getting more crap than you did last year, and more than all your friends. If you don’t quickly start showing a big change of attitude in the next few weeks, you might just get a big donut for Christmas (as in, what’s one minus one?).

You better start showing some more respect to your parent(s) and teachers, and begin caring a little more about others, instead of thinking that you’re the boss. Continuing down the path of materialism will only lead to having misplaced values, becoming a hoarder of junk, and massive credit card debt which will crush you into bankruptcy.

It is up to you if I say Ho-Ho-Ho at your house this year, or if I have to say No-No-No!

In summary, get your fricking act together soon or you can expect less than nothing for Christmas. In fact, I might even sneak into your room and take back some of the presents I brought you last year.

Angry Santa