Tag Archives: health

The New Measure Of Health Is Pounds Per Vertical Foot

Calculate your pounds per vertical foot and then share that information with your friends and family.

Footville, Wisconsin – Experts have come up with a new and easy way to determine one’s general overall health.

Pounds per vertical foot is the new way to measure and judge how near or far a person is from the ideal bodily proportions.

To calculate it, simply take your total weight in pounds and divide that by how many feet tall you are.

For example, for a person weighing 200 pounds and standing 5 feet 10 inches tall, you would divide 200 by 5.83 = 34.3 pounds per vertical foot.

It turns out that 34.3 is just about ideal when it comes to pounds per vertical foot.

Ironically, as I write this, that happens to be exactly my pounds per vertical foot, which makes me feel like I am on track toward being on board the train of healthy living.

What is your pounds per vertical foot? Ask others what theirs is. Share yours with others in the break room. Post yours proudly in your cubicle at work. Help others calculate theirs after gathering their height and weight. It is fun and easy, and the new healthy thing to do!

Minnesota Raising Legal Cigarette Smoking Age To Fifty

Minnesota’s new minimum age to smoke cigarettes is now 50.

St. Paul, MN – In what many consider to be a bold move, Minnesota is upping the minimum legal age to smoke cigarettes to fifty (50).

Yes, we believe this is the right thing to do, so this is the reason why we are doing what we are doing, says Geier Stockmaster, who authored the bill.

Studies have shown that people who wait until age 50 to start smoking cigarettes increase their chances of living to age 65 by a factor of 10 (assuming they don’t get rear-ended by a distracted driver travelling at 50 mph).

How do you feel about Minnesota’s new minimum age to smoke?

How would you feel if the minimum wage was $50 per hour?

How would you like free Dilly Bars for the rest of your life?

Ironically, all the letters in Geier Stockmaster can be re-arranged to spell: Cigarette Smokers!

Playing Slot Machines Good For Health

Each hour spent playing slot machines doubles-down the health benefits.

Jackpot, Nevada – A new comprehensive study by casinos shows that there are numerous health benefits associated with playing slot machines.

Essentially, the more time spent playing slot machines, the healthier (and sometimes wealthier) you become.

Doctor Simon Cleath who conducted the study for the casino industry says the results were somewhat surprising.

“We knew that playing slot machines was good for your health but just did not know to what extent,” Simon says.

Documentation shows that everything from blood pressure, to heart health, to cholesterol, to stress and nervous tension show marked improvements when comparing slot machine players to people in placebo groups such as prisoners, nurses, construction workers, and deployed marines.

So, if you were contemplating hitting the local casino today but were thinking maybe you should go for a nice long walk instead, “pack your bags and gamble all night at the casino, if you want to have fun, win lots of money, and get super healthy at the same time,” Simon says.

Ironically, all the letters in “Simon Cleath” can be re-arranged to spell: Slot Machine.

NFL Reveals Diagnosis to Peyton Manning


One of Manning’s tics called “Fishing”

After keeping the diagnosis under wraps for nearly a decade the NFL finally told Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning he has Tourette’s syndrome.

The league’s biggest secret was first discovered in 2005 when Indianapolis Colts head coach Tony Dungy noticed Manning’s unusual behavior at the line of scrimmage. The symptoms began as a mere foot stomp, but as the years progressed Manning started shouting random words that had no meaning to the offense.

“What really tipped me off was when he started flapping his arms like a bird,” Dungy said. “That had no meaning to our offense and threw us off for a few games, but I told the rest of the offense to ignore him and we went on to have a pretty good season.”

Dungy invited Tourette’s specialist Beth Grundstad to a home game to watch Manning. Grundstad immediately noticed the symptoms and diagnosed the quarterback on the spot.

“Common symptoms of this syndrome are flapping the arms, hopping, touching other people, repeating words or phrases and barking among other things,” she said. “Peyton was doing all of those on almost every play. There was no question he was on the Tourette’s spectrum, but Tony asked me to keep it quiet because they were doing so well.”

The diagnosis reached the NFL’s front office sometime in 2008, but the higher-ups decided it was better for the game if Manning continued on the path he was on.

“Peyton was playing outstanding football and we couldn’t take away from him or the league,” executive Paul Cornston said. “As years went his tics became more frequent and we felt compelled to tell him. Finally, we decided that after he broke Brett Favre’s record we would break the news.”

Since 2008, several people have threatened to break the news to Manning. In 2011, Manning suffered a career-threatening neck injury from whipping his head back and forth. In 2014, as the Broncos made their way to the Superbowl, fans demanded to know exactly what “Omaha” meant, but Manning refused to give a practical answer.

“Omaha is a city in Nebraska,” he said with a stupid smile on his face.

Sadly, he was being dead serious.

After Manning threw his 510th career touchdown, coach John Fox finally sat Manning down, went over some film and broke the news.

“I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, OMAHA,” Manning said. “APPLE, I thought I was changing the play at the line, but it turns out I was just slapping my linemen’s asses for no reason and, APPLE APPLE, yelling at people.”

With the diagnosis out in the open, coach Fox is worried about the impact it will have on the rest of the season. For years, defenses have been changing their schemes to counter Manning’s audibles, but now that they know his tics are meaningless they are sure to adjust.

“Between Dungy and I, I think we milked this as far as we could,” Fox said. “Now, defenses will know just to ignore his shouting and flailing and focus on how our offense is lined up.”

Student Annoys Class with Runny Nose

runny noseRoseville, MN — Students of Gretta Jurcak’s sixth period math class exchanged eye-rolls as classmate Andy Struum sniffled his runny nose for nearly an hour.

Struum’s snorting began midway through third period and continued through lunch and into his final class. As the day progressed, so did the severity of the sniffle, beginning as a tickle and evolving into a full blown gusher. By the final minutes of math, Struum was sucking up snot once every ten seconds.

“It was very distracting for both me and the students,” Jurcak said. “How am I supposed to concentrate on my lesson plan when I can see and hear the snot yo-yoing from his face?”

As Struum refused to use a Kleenex or excuse himself for a bathroom break, Jurcak’s students glared and silently cursed at their classmate.

“I thought I was going to throw up,” student Brad Cheile said. “I was sitting right in front of him and could hear him breathing through his mouth and snorting the whole time. One more minute of class and I would have turned around and told him to blow his friggen nose.”

While many students suffer from nose-blowing anxiety, fearing that they will be bullied for getting up during class to use a Kleenex, few hold out as long as Struum. Horton Jahn deals with yearly bouts of ragweed allergies, but has a system to prevent being “that guy.”

“I find a spot in the back of f the room and sniffle as quietly as possible,” Jahn said. “Then, during passing time, I blow my nose in the bathroom with one of those scratchy brown towels. That usually gets me through the first half of class, but sometimes I resort to wiping my nose with my hand or sleeve — anything to prevent actually using a Kleenex.”

Struum used none of Jahn’s tactics, making the already unpopular sixth period class an hour from hell. After the bell, Struum was kept after class and lectured by Jurcak for being so inconsiderate.

“I guess I didn’t even realize I had a runny nose,” Struum said. “I spent all day thinking about my fantasy football lineup just like very other day. Honestly, I thought people were staring at me because they were trying to read my awesome Charlie Brown t-shirt. If they wanted me to blow my nose they could have asked.”


Odorless Farts Plague Edina Housewives

fartsAfter years of financial prosperity, citizens of Edina, Minn. are worried their flatulence is failing to produce any odor.

Edina, an inner-ring suburb of Minneapolis, is among the wealthiest cities in Minnesota with a median household income of over $75 thousand. In fact, the name Edina is derived from an Ojibwe expression meaning “children who do nothing but get everything.” While many residents enjoy living in large houses, driving expensive cars and participating in youth hockey politics, a few brave housewives revealed that cake-eater life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

“I grew up in Edina and moved back here after I met my husband and dropped out of college,” Edina housewife Trisha Grant said. “But as the years passed I noticed that my toots didn’t smell anymore. It was great at first, but soon my party guests were leaving unexpectedly and I started to worry.”

Grant claims that on several occasions her dinner party guests left after she let loose a fart that shouldn’t have smelled at all. While the Grant family swears no odor was released, the guests insist that the house smelled like boiled oysters.

“It was like a combination of a used Band-Aid, kerosene and dog breath,” Grant’s friend Tim Shorton claimed. “The only thing grosser than the fart itself was the fact that Trisha didn’t seem to smell it at all. And then she went around pouring wine at the table and crop dusted everyone. I know it was rude, but I had to leave or I was going to throw up.”

Proctologist Andrew Phrochno claims that Grant’s case is concurrent with other Edina residents. Several people have complained that even after eating ethnic food, such as Korean, Ethiopian and Thai, their flatulence has not produced any odor at all.

“It’s just weird,” local housewife Natalie Danzak said. “I had eggs for breakfast, Chinese for lunch and a whole mess of beans and corndogs for dinner. But later on, after I tooted, nobody in my family seemed to notice the smell.”

After a 13-year study, Phrochno noticed a correlation between average household income and sensitivity to gastronomical odors.

“Based on my research, it seems that people, especially housewives, living in households that earn more than $150 thousand per year are 90 percent less likely to smell their own farts,” said Phrochno.

The research shows that there is an exponential correlation between average income and sensitivity to flatulent odors. While low-income families remain exceedingly sensitive to fart-smells, high-income families are seemingly immune to the smell of human gas.

“It’s confusing and arousing,” said Phrochno. “I believe this correlation can be attributed to Darwinism, but I would need Darwin himself to explain what is going on.

“Further, it seems like high-income family members aggressively seek out the smell of their own poots and are consistently denied satisfaction. However, low-income families tend to avoid butt-toot smells, but end up sniffing them anyway. It just doesn’t make sense at this point.”

While Phrochno’s research progresses, Edina residents continue to suffer with the inability to smell their own farts.

“It’s about the children at this point,” Danzak said. “I’m afraid that my kids will grow up without knowing their own scent. I’m not political, but I can’t help but blame Obama for this disaster.”