Tag Archives: interview

Ringo Was The Most ‘Normal’ Of The Beatles

Paul, Ringo, John, George

Fargo, ND – While he was in Fargo recently, purchasing a home in the Dinglewood Heights area, the FM Observer had a chance to chat with Ritchie Starkey, a.k.a. Ringo Starr, drummer for The Beatles.

FMO: How would you compare yourself to the other Beatles?

RS: I honestly believe that I was the most normal and the most grounded of the group.

FMO: Why do think that?

RS: Well, George started playing sitar with his Eastern guru friends, Paul began puffing the magic dragon, and John was tripping with Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.

FMO: And what about you?

RS: My experiences as a youngster dealing with a number of different illnesses really humbled and grounded me, which is why I like the idea of having a home in Fargo.

FMO: Well, welcome to Fargo! Any general thoughts about your life as you look back?

RS: It’s just really quite amazing that I went from living in a sanatorium and playing drums in their hospital band to becoming a member of the Fab Four. It truly has been a long and winding road!

An Exclusive FMO Interview With Walt Whitman

Walt Whitman says hello to all our FMO readers!

A conversation with Walt Whitman (1819-1892)

FMO: How do you feel about having an image of yourself on a postage stamp?
Walt Whitman: If you done it, it ain’t bragging.

FMO: Many consider you one of America’s great poets and some call you the Father Of Free Verse. Your thoughts on this, sir?
WW: To have great poets, there must be great audiences.

FMO: Your bio indicates you were also a journalist, a teacher, a government clerk, and a volunteer nurse during the Civil War. You seem to have a real connection with the common folk.
WW: I dance with the dancers and drink with the drinkers.

FMO: You have obviously written a lot. Do you also like to spend time reading?
WW: A morning-glory at my window satisfies me more than the metaphysics of books.

FMO: Any thoughts on the current state of world affairs?
WW: Judging from the main portions of the history of the world, so far, justice is always in jeopardy.

FMO: What do you think the future holds?
WW: The future is no more uncertain than the present.

FMO: How do you deal with life on a daily basis?
WW: To me, every hour of the day and night is an unspeakably perfect miracle.

FMO: What lessons have you learned?
WW: I have learned that to be with those I like is enough.

FMO: What advice would you care to share with our readers?
WW: Be curious, not judgmental. Keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you.

Note: Every response is an actual quotation from Walt Whitman.

FMObserver Lands Exclusive Interview With Mr. Stephen Hawking

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Theoretical physicist and cosmologist, Stephen Hawking, sits down for an interview with your FMObserver.

FMO: What is time?

Stephen Hawking: I invite you to set aside your present preconceptions of time and consider the possibility of creating multiple duration streams as a quantitative measure for the day when demand for increasing services excludes all other choices in the quest for total excellence.

FMO: If a person ate themself, would they become twice as big or completely disappear?

Stephen Hawking: Most people, other than myself, have closed their eyes to the possibility of facilitating cannibalistic social networking as long as a potential for double action becomes the prevailing outlook.

FMO: What is the meaning of life?

Stephen Hawking: My goal for this ultimate theoretical question is utilizing outside-the-box thinking as a technique of experiencing quantum holistic change while maximum opportunity rises to the surface in a sea of ever-shifting credibility for living.

FMO: What’s the difference between good and bad?

Stephen Hawking: Today is your lucky day. I can now tell you that factoring oblique statistical trajectories of good versus bad has an ever-increasing side effect while the good spectrum expands beyond the current expectational matrix of the bad.

FMO: Does thought require language?

Stephen Hawking: You may totally disagree with me on this, but I firmly believe in finding language mining opportunities as the most logical step toward being exquisitely focused on thinking to offset actual thought generation.

FMO: How does a brain think?

Stephen Hawking: It’s not in the industry journals yet, but I’m spear-heading a think tank project group for targeting individual brain advancement incentives as a regenerative move while component brain inter-dependency grows exponentially toward the cerebral future horizon.

FMO: Is there a universal language?

Stephen Hawking: A secret passion of mine has always been the restructuring of vertical and horizontal relationship communicational hierarchies in anticipation of the day when potential for action includes all possibilities while striving for complete transparency.

FMO: Why do good jokes make people laugh?

Stephen Hawking: During a recent sabbatical I came up with the idea of studying the effects of disproportionate humorous reactional access restrictions when the primary win-win relationship substantiates a laughable projection response.

FMO: Is there intelligent life elsewhere in the universe?

Stephen Hawking: I haven’t divulged this to the general public yet, but I’m in the initial stages of enlisting top-down organizational life-finding strategies as a protective measure for the day when demand for increasing universal services continues onward into unknown alien worlds.

FMO’s Final Interview With David Bowie

David Bowie

David Robert Jones (January 8, 1947 – January 10, 2016)

Manhattan, NY – Here is a portion of the FM Observer’s final interview with David Bowie:

FMO: Would you describe yourself as a serious kind of guy?
David Bowie: I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.

FMO: What is the quality you most like in a man?
David Bowie: The ability to return books.

FMO: What would be one of your favorite books?
David Bowie: Don’t you love the Oxford Dictionary? When I first read it, I thought it was a really really long poem about everything.

FMO: Do you think society has changed since your Ziggy Stardust days?
David Bowie: People are so fucking dumb. Nobody reads anymore, nobody goes out and looks and explores the society and culture they were brought up in. People have attention spans of five seconds and as much depth as a glass of water.

FMO: Do you speak any foreign languages?
David Bowie: I can ask for cigarettes in every language.

FMO: Did you have any tricks for writing songs?
David Bowie: When I’m stuck for a closing to a lyric, I will drag out my last resort: overwhelming illogic.

FMO: Is there any kind of music that doesn’t seem to jive with your personality?
David Bowie: Funk, I don’t think I have anything to do with funk. I’ve never considered myself funky.

FMO: What would you say is one of your biggest pet peeves?
David Bowie: I’ve never responded well to entrenched negative thinking.

FMO: What are your thoughts on religion?
David Bowie: Religion is for people who are afraid of going to hell, spirituality is for those who’ve been there.

FMO: Has aging taught you any lessons?
David Bowie: As you get older, the questions come down to about two or three. How long? And what do I do with the time I’ve got left?

FMO: What are your thoughts on life and death?
David Bowie: Confront a corpse at least once. The absolute absence of life is the most disturbing and challenging confrontation you will ever have.

FMO: Do you have any plans for the after-life?
David Bowie: I don’t know where I’m going from here, but I promise it won’t be boring.

Donatella Versace Shares Her Beauty Secrets

Donatella Versace shares her beauty secrets.

The one and only Donatella Versace

Hollywood, CA – The FM Observer’s Hollywood reporter, Tojo Saxton, caught up with the most beautiful Donatella Versace for a fun and informative interview. Enjoy!

Tojo Saxton: Thanks for getting together! How have you been?

Donatella Versace: Oh, me be so busy…sooo busy!

TS: Oh? What have you been so busy doing, Donatella? Wanna tell us?

DV: Yes! Me be working on new line of beauty products that make people look reeeal nice, you know?

TS: Well, honey, you should know! Many consider you to be one of the most beautiful women on Earth. In fact, some think you’re so hot that you’re the cause of Global Warming!

DV: Oh, no. But you sooo nice. Thank you. (chuckle chuckle)

TS: Do you have any beauty tips that you would care to share with all ten of the people who will read this wonderful interview?

DV: Well, plenty of sleep is very important, especially if you tired. Me eat lots of Outshine Fruit Bars and only drink Angry Orchard Crisp Apple Ciders.

TS: All of a sudden, I feel like we’re in the movie The Truman Show.

DV: Oh, no, me don’t know about that.

TS: So, Donatella Versace, my readers will never forgive me if I don’t ask you this one question: Have you ever had any work done by any plastic surgeons?

DV: No. Nothing ever done by any plastic sturgeons, but me has gone to see my beauty doctors.

TS: And would you say that your “beauty doctors” have helped you become as beautiful as you are today?

DV: Oh, yes! Me used to not be so beautiful and they tell Donatella they can make me look sooo much more beautiful.

TS: Well, it certainly has paid off for you. And hopefully this interview with the one and only Donatella Versace will pay off for me. Thank you sooo much for sitting down face-to-face to answer a few questions.

DV: Oh, this is not a problem. Donatella love sharing her beauty tips for your website. What is your website again?

TS: I write for the FM Observer.

DV: Oh, no, Donatella never heard of that one.

Read Tojo Saxton’s hard-hitting interview with Tom Cruise about Scientology being a hoax!

An Interview With Vice President Dan Quayle

The smartest Vice President of all time

The smartest Vice President of all time

Former Vice President Dan Quayle was recently spotted roaming around western North Dakota. The FM Observer caught up with him for an interview.

FMO: Thank you for doing this interview with the FM Observer. You were Vice President of the United States. Do you feel you get all the respect you deserve?
Dan Quayle: I deserve respect for the things I did not do.

FMO: Some quotes attributed to you either show questionable judgment or perhaps they were simply misstatements?
DQ: I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future. I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.

FMO: Looking at the US map, you’ve been doing some travelling lately. How do you feel about the Left Coast?
DQ: I love California. I practically grew up in Arizona.

FMO: What about Hawaii?
DQ: Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island, that is right here.

FMO: The global picture is always changing. Describe your thoughts regarding our neighbors to the South, our European NATO allies, and the Middle Eastern quagmire.
DQ: I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people. We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe. The global importance of the Middle East is that it keeps the Far East and the Near East from encroaching on each other.

FMO: We’ve sent men to the moon. What are your thoughts on our current space program?
DQ: It’s time for the human race to enter the solar system. Space is almost infinite. As a matter of fact, we think it is infinite. For NASA, space is still a high priority.

FMO: What are your feelings about family and family values?
DQ: I understand the importance of bondage between parent and child. Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.

FMO: Do you think we’re winning the war on education?
DQ: We’re going to have the best educated American people in the world. What a terrible thing to have lost one’s mind. Or not to have a mind at all. How true that is.

FMO: You obviously know how to win an election. It all comes down to votes, doesn’t it?
DQ: Votes are like trees, if you’re trying to build a forest. If you have more trees than you have forests, then at that point, the pollsters will probably say you will win. A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

FMO: What are your thoughts concerning the Republican Party?
DQ: If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure. Republicans have been accused of abandoning the poor. It’s the other way around. They never vote for us. I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.

FMO: Why do you think so many banks are threatened by failure?
DQ: Bank failures are caused by depositors who don’t deposit enough money to cover losses due to mismanagement.

FMO: Don’t you think it’s great going Green to decrease pollution and save the Earth?
DQ: It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.

FMO: In general, Mr. Vice President, with all things considered, what direction do you think our country will be going as we move forward?
DQ: It’s a question of whether we’re going to go forward into the future, or past to the back. I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy, but that could change. People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history. This president is going to lead us out of this recovery. We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur. The future will be better tomorrow.

FMO: Do you have any final advice or lessons to pass on, as part of your legacy?
DQ: If you give a person a fish, they’ll fish for a day. But if you train a person to fish, they’ll fish for a lifetime.

FMO: Thanks again Mr. Vice President for agreeing to do this interview. One last question: Was it Al Gore who invented the Internet, or was that actually Dan Quayle who did?
DQ: If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented Spell Check.

Detroit Lakes Police Gotdonuts?

Does That Say What I Think It Says?

Detroit Lakes, MN – In a sad story blooms something funny.

Valley News Live interviewed Tim Eggebraaten in what seemed to be a poor choice of location.  If you look closely behind Mr. Eggebraaten, you can see their comical sign they have up that says “gotdonuts?’

Now was this planned for shits and giggles?  Was the KVLY interviewer feeling daring and positioned him in front of the sign without his knowledge?  Was this Mr. Eggebraaten’s idea for laughs?  We may never know.

Regardless, it’s pretty funny.  Click the pictures for a better view.


Detroit Lakes Police Gotdonuts? Detroit Lakes Police gotdonuts?

Interview With Max Cavalera of SOULFLY


If you’re familiar at all with the underground metal community, you’ve heard of Max Cavalera. He’s been hard at work writing and performing his own brand of ferocious, unapologetic heavy metal for almost 30 years.

This month he takes his band SOULFLY on the road through North America. They will be accompanied by his stepson Richie Cavalera’s band INCITE and his sons Igor and Zyon Cavalera’s band LODY KONG. The “Maximum Cavalera Tour” makes its stop in Fargo on February 27th at the House of Rock. I caught up with Max to get his insight on the upcoming tour and his most recent SOULFLY album:

LISTEN TO THE INTERVIEW HERE: Max_Cavalera_Interview_2122013

Nick Hirchert: Thanks for taking some time to talk with me. You’ve got less than a week until you hit the road again…

Max Cavalera: We actually leave tomorrow. We start the tour tomorrow in San Diego. We’re very excited about the Maximum Cavalera Tour. The whole family on tour again. It’s gonna be great, man, we’ve got Zyon playing drums for SOULFLY which is gonna keep it more in the family. We’ve got a killer setlist prepared. A lot of great songs. It’s good to be back on the road again. I’m just excited to be back on the road. It’s been too long, if you ask me.

Nick: Fantastic. When was the last time you played a show?

Max: Two months ago I was in South America with CAVALERA CONSPIRACY with my brother Igor and before that, I was with SOULFLY in Europe. About five months ago we did a big European tour, so, it’s about time to get back on the road here. I gotta ask you, is it cold there? Like real cold?

Nick: (laughs) You don’t wanna know, man! 

Max: Oh, yeah, I wanna know! (laughs)

Nick: It snowed so bad a couple days ago that they had to shut the entire city down the following day. 

Max: Holy crap!

Nick: It was a disaster!

Max: Wow. So, I better get some warm clothes then, huh?

Nick: Yeah, bring a parka if you’ve got it, maybe some long underwear… (laughs)

Max: Whoa, yeah, I am packing right now, so…after this interview I gotta go pack! (laughs)

Nick: The Maximum Cavalera tour follows up the release of your newest album “Enslaved”. What can you tell us about the new record? Is this Soulfly as we’ve come to know it or are there new innovations to your band’s sound?


Max: “Enslaved” was a big step forward for SOULFLY. It was a heavier record, a very extreme kind of record. Some of the stuff even sounds like death metal which is really cool. I’ve been listening to a lot of stuff like that, bands like I DECLARE WAR, MOLOTOV SOLUTION, ACACIA STRAIN, PSYCROPTIC. So I wanted to make a heavier record because i’ve been into a lot of this new heavy kind of stuff and, of course, my love for death metal goes way back to the SEPULTURA days, so it was really kind of cool to make a record like that. I think it surprised a lot of fans who didn’t expect it.

We’re gonna open the show with “Plata O Plomo” this time, which is totally different. It’s a song that Tony and I sing in Spanish and Portuguese. That’s gonna be really cool and different. I’m really looking forward to this tour. We’re gonna play songs from all the SOULFLY records, even some SEPULTURA stuff and NAILBOMB which is a project I did with a lot of people. I got to dig up some different SEPULTURA songs to play, like “Straighthate” which is the first song I worked on when I did the “Roots” record. My son, Zyon wanted to play “Straighthate” during the set, so I think it’s gonna be great, man. It’s gonna be fun having the whole family on stage with me.

Nick: You have three sons (stepson Richie: INCITE, sons Igor and Zyon: LODY KONG) touring with you in their respective bands for this round of dates. How would you best describe their style of music?

Max: INCITE is more like LAMB OF GOD which is really great. I love that kind of style. I love that energetic kind of metal. It’s also melodic with really cool guitars on it and Richie is a killer frontman. I think he does a really great job. LODY KONG is completely different from everything else. They’re kind of like FUDGE TUNNEL, like THE MELVINS or MASTODON. Punk-metal, kind of heavy. I am so proud that both bands are completely different from what I do. That’s what I think is cool about our family’s bands. LODY KONG and INCITE sound nothing like SOULFLY and we’re all together on the same tour. That is gonna make the whole package different.

Nick: I agree. I’m really looking forward to it. You’ve got a pretty decent mix here and you keep it all in the family, so that’s excellent. “Enslaved” contains a song titled ‘Revengeance’  that credits contributions from you, Richie, Igor and Zyon. How did that song come about?

Max: There was an idea to do a family song. We decided to write about their brother Dana who was murdered in 1996. It has really deep, heartful lyrics. Each one of us wrote our own verses for the song and we’re all singing the chorus together. It was a very special day in the studio and the song turned out really killer. I love the energy of it, and it’s one of my favorite parts of the SOULFLY show when we all come together and do ‘Revengeance’ because it’s the end of the set. I see a lot of people taking pictures when I do that song. It’s great. We play that every night. I’m looking forward to the tour. I can’t stay home that much. If I stay home for more than 2 weeks I go crazy! I feel at home when i’m on the road, man, the road is my home. I love it. I’ve been on the road for 30 years now doing this shit. You get used to it, become addicted. I still love touring. Going from city to city, meeting the fans, playing the show, watching out the window of the tour bus. All that is part of the great experience of being on the road.

Nick: In the past, you’ve collaborated in-studio with some of the biggest names in rock. Did anyone lend their talents to the new album?

Max: Yeah, with SOULFLY, every record has at least 2 people from bands that I like. On the new record we had Travis from CATTLE DECAPITATION on “World Scum” which is a heavy, heavy song and there was a song with Dez (Fafara) from DEVILDRIVER. I know Dez from back in his COAL CHAMBER days. They used to tour with SEPULTURA. Dez is a great guy. We did “Redemption of Man By God” which is a religious kind of song. The next record that i’m working on in the studio later this year i’m recording with Terry Date, who is a great producer who did work with SOUNDGARDEN, WHITE ZOMBIE, PANTERA. I’m so excited to actually work on a whole record with him. That’s gonna come out next year and have 2 other guests. I don’t know who they are yet. It’s a blessing to be able to do these collaborations.

Nick: That’s very unique, to be able to share your talents in studio.

Max: I’m not competing with anybody. To me, it’s more about sharing the love of your music with your friends. That’s what’s great about being a musician. We are all a part of something. Metal unites everybody, from here to Singapore, to Japan, to Indonesia. Metal is metal. When you see someone with a black shirt and camouflage pants in the airport, you know this guy is metal so you can say ‘what’s up’, you know? That’s what’s great about it and what I love about collaborations. I get to work with my favorite people. Bands like CATTLE DECAPITATION–that’s not a huge band, but I love their music. They don’t need to be as big as METALLICA to work with me.

Nick: You recently made an appearance on the video game Grand Theft Auto IV by way of some downloadable content; DJ-ing for the “Blood Fire War Hate Death Metal Show” featured on one of the in-game radio stations. What was that like?

Max: It was great. I got to be a DJ on a radio station so I got to play a lot of my old favorite death metal songs I grew up with in the 80s and 90s. I play a lot of ENTOMBED, MORBID ANGEL, CARCASS, NAPALM DEATH, KREATOR. A lot of stuff that young kids today don’t know about. Without those bands, there wouldn’t be newer stuff like SUICIDE SILENCE and LAMB OF GOD–they all came from these kind of bands. I don’t really play video games much myself, but it was fun to be part of it, to be invited to do that.

Nick: With Soulfly, you put forth a very unique sound with Brazilian influence, what one could call tribal metal. Songs about war and fighting oppression. What would you say inspires your songwriting?


Max: Through the years it started with SEPULTURA, the album “Arise” (1990) was the first time we kind of did that. There’s a jungle intro on “Arise” for the song “Altered State”. After that, we got more interested in Brazilian, started listening to more of our native sounds. We thought it’d be cool to mix metal with tribal rhythm. Not a lot of people were doing that back then so it was kind of unique. We were pioneers of it, and it felt cool to do it. “Roots” (1996) was big. We did that in a big way. We recorded with a tribe in Brazil, did an amazing collaboration with a real tribe in Brazil. It was so awesome. When I did “Soulfly I” (self-titled album, 1998) I continued the Brazilian element. I was working with the guys from CHICO SCIENCE on that record. I really like the style that came out on “Soulfly I” and it continued, but through the years I didn’t want to repeat myself. I kept looking for different things. That’s why I did albums like “Prophecy” and “Dark Ages” that were more thrash, heavier. Then “Enslaved” which is more death metal just because I always wanted to keep doing something different.

Nick: I understand you’re putting together an autobiography? Can you give us an update on that?

Max: Yeah, i’ve been working on it the last 2 years, man. It’s been great, been a lot of work. Nonstop interviews. It’s going to be very, very detailed. Stories from childhood, the creation of SEPULTURA, then the creation of SOULFLY to everything i’ve been through. There’s some funny stuff, like Lemmy (Kilmister) pouring whiskey on my head. I call that my “baptism”. I said I was baptized by Lemmy when he did that. Of course, he was doing that to get rid of me (laughs). There’s a lot of fun stuff like that. Interviews with a lot of cool people in bands. Tom Araya, Chino from DEFTONES, Sean Lennon, Sharon Osborne. The introduction of the book is gonna be done by Dave Grohl. He loves “Roots” as one of his favorite records ever. It’s gonna come out before the end of the year. I can’t wait for people to read it. It explains a lot of facts people don’t know about me, like why I really left SEPULTURA. The real reason behind it.

Nick: You’ve been writing and performing heavy metal music pretty consistently since the mid 80s. What advice would you give to any musicians eager to follow in your footsteps?

Max: I think first thing, you’ve got to love what you do because it’s a hard road. I still, even today…we’re not millionaires. Nobody makes millions of dollars. We do this because we love it. We struggle like a lot of people do, you know. We have garage sales and shit like that at my house to try to make ends meet, man, especially now that people don’t buy CDs. It became harder and harder in music, but you survive just getting by. It’s the love of music. It’s your joy. For me, when I grab my guitar and write riffs, it’s a great feeling. I get satisfied just doing that and when I know that thousands of people are gonna hear that on record that gets me excited to do more and to keep doing it. I’ve been doing this for 30 years. It’s been amazing. I wouldn’t change my life for anything. I’ve been blessed to be in a famous band, SEPULTURA, then got out of there and got to be successful with the 2nd band. Not many people have had that chance. Most people just get one shot, but I had a 2nd shot with SOULFLY and took it and made it through. It’s a lot of hard work, man. You’ve got to be committed. Got to be ready to do everything; ready to do what the other person will not. That’s what makes the difference between making it or not; you’ve got to be ready to do the things the other person will not do.

The Maximum Cavalera Tour hits the House of Rock at the Hub in Fargo on 2/27. BUY TICKETS HERE

Stay in touch with Max and his band SOULFLY:

Official site: www.soulfly.com

On Twitter: 

Facebook fan page: facebook.com/SOULFLY

Mitt Romney Doing “Just Fine” After Losing Election

Mitt-Romney-Political-Cyborg2San Diego, CA – The 2012 Presidential election lived up to the hype as one of the more polarizing elections in political history. The ups and downs of debating, campaigning, gaffing, 47%-ing, and polling helped create some of the most entertaining democracy of all time. Business as usual will continue for President Obama, but the Observer was left to wonder how Mitt Romney is coping after the election.


The Observer caught up with the former Republican nominee at his home in San Diego for a little one-on-one…

FM Observer: Hello, Governor Romney. Thanks for taking the time to sit down with me.

Mitt Romney: Oh, ha ha. You’re welcome. You can call me Mittledon.

FMO: Mittledon?

MR: Yes, Mittledon. It is my given name.

FMO: Ok…Mittledon… Thank you for having me. Now that the campaigning and election hoopla is over, how are you and the Mrs. spending your time these days?

MR: Ann and I are fine. We have been fine and will be. Ann enjoys to snippet pictures of reasonably-priced goods from newspaper mailings. I have taken up the hobby of the reading of web publications.

FMO: So, Ann clips coupons and you are an internet addict? Is that accurate?

MR: Yes, completely.

FMO: Hm. Lovely. Is this retirement? Are you effectively retired from your work as a politician?

MR: Ha ha, not entirely! I will still consult for the office of Massachusetts Governor as a private consultant. Ann with her charitable work. I also spend time with my many children, Tagg, Batt, Rigg, Mock, and Fudd.

FMO: Are your children getting into politics?

MR: They are not.

FMO: (confused)…uh…ok. So, tell me, your work as a private investor has proven to be a very successful venture. Do you have any advice for young people who want to get into investing?

MR: Certainly. I would tell them to make smart decisions for the good of the company you are investing for. Money is a tool, and a very valuable one. The more tools a company has, the more prepared it is to function in an American society. Get your tools, polish them, center them and use them to help the business. Would you like to see my tool collection?

FMO: Yes.

MR: (Mittledon leads me into his master bedroom. In it, I am shown a king-sized bed constructed out of laminated $100 bills. It is magnificent.) This is how Ann and I keep our bed at night.

FMO: Jesus…it’s…breathtaking.

MR: I know, it is. I have one just like it back home in Boston. The mattress is stuffed with a mixture of shredded $100 bills and Orca whale blubber. The softest, richest mattress the planet has ever known.

FMO: This is just fantastic. You’ve done very well for yourself, Mittledon.

MR: Ann and I thank you for saying so. (We leave the bedroom)

FMO: So what’s next for Mitt Romney? Do you have a 5-year plan in mind?

MR: Ann and I will take our time deciding. I suspect I will be called upon to assist with various aspects of political prowess for the Republican party. If so, that is fine. If not, there may certainly come a time in which I will be asked to donate my body to science. Would you like to ask a follow-up question to that statement?

FMO: (confused again) Um…sure. (long pause)…Why would you consider donating your body to science, Mittledon?

MR: I am comprised of a fusion of mechanic microorganisms and people flesh. There was an experiment done many years ago, well ahead of its time. I am the result of that experiment. Ha ha, but the details of that experiment are for another time. Ann and I thank you, you should go now.

FMO: (I lock eyes with Mittledon. I notice a very rapid quivering of his pupils.) Ok, Mr. Romney I thank you for the opportunity! 

MR: You. Are welcome.

Cheney: There Is Nothing I Do Not Hate

Washington, DC – In a recent interview, former Vice President of the United States Dick Cheney was asked his opinion about the upcoming presidential election prospects as well as past candidates. He speculated on Mitt Romney’s possible running mate as well as how big a mistake it was that McCain chose Sarah Palin as his VP nominee. He then proceeded to go off on a tangent that the Observer is not shocked to have heard about:

“Not only was the Palin choice a grave mistake, but so was my shooting that old codger in his face. I should have shot him square in the coin purse. And you know what else? Hunting is stupid anyway. So is American politics and as a matter of fact, for the life of me, at this very moment, there is not one SINGLE THING in this world that I do not possess an utter distaste for. Fuck your fat hairdo, fuck this room, fuck this chair i’m sitting on, fuck my out-of-control sodium intake and fuck everything else in the world because–who cares– i’m almost dead.”

The interview was said to have ended abruptly at that point as Cheney, after ferociously making his point, started grumbling and stormed out of the room. The Observer will be reaching out to the former VP for a follow-up on this very interesting character development.