The Pope now says God is telling him to tell us that there is a Hell and sinners don’t just disappear upon death.
Vaticano, Italy – The Pope admits God may have had it wrong when telling the Pope that there is no Hell.
When asked recently about his comments that sinners just disappear and that there is no Hell, The Pope is now saying there still might actually be a Hell and it also goes by the name of Grand Forks.
FMO: Mister Pope, is this your personal opinion or did you hear it directly from God on your Godphone?
The Pope: This is newly updated information from God which comes to me during prayer through my internal connection to God.
We then asked Grand Forks about the Pope’s latest papal clarification:
FMO: Why do you think The Pope is picking on Grand Forks to the point of calling it Hell?
GFS: We have no idea why Grand Forks is being likened to Hell but perhaps this is somehow related to us formerly being called the Fighting Sioux. Someone needs to tell The Pope we changed our name. It’s now the Backdoor Lumberjacks.
Jack Nicholson is The Shining example of what an actor should be like.
Fargo, ND – Actor Jack of the Nicholson clan plans to open a new bar in renascent downtown Fargo called The Cuckoo’s Nest.
Not only does Jack Nicholson plan on opening a state-of-the-art bar in Fargo, but he also plans on spending a lot of time there visiting with Fargo locals who also enjoy sipping adult beverages because Jack has also just announced his intentions to permanently move to Fargo, the place of his childhood birth.
“Since I was born in Fargo at a very young age, this is from where I would like to enter heaven at a very old age,” says the actor who’s won an Oscar for three different films including One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest.
All females servers in The Cuckoo’s Nest will dress like Nurse Ratched and a large sign on the wall will remind patrons: “If you don’t want to take your medication orally, I’m sure we can arrange for you to have it some other way.”
FM Observer: “So just one final question for you Mr. Nicholson: What’s the main reason you want to finally retire from acting and move to Fargo and start taking it easy…just hanging out at The Cuckoo’s Nest?”
Jack Nicholson: “You want answers? You want answers? I’ll answer the question! Because all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.”
Lumberjack Woody Axman feverishly working to rid forests of Treebola!
Treetop, North Carolina – Lumberjacks all across the country are wasting no time in their frantic effort to chop down any and all trees suspected of having the dangerous Treebola Virus.
According to the Center for Disease Control’s new Treebola hotline, the best and surest way to identify any trees with Treebola is to look for the telltale red leaves which may also be withering and even falling off a sickly dendrite.
To help slow the spread of Treebola, immediately chop down any trees you think may be harboring this vexing virulent virus, or call your local Lumberjack Union representative for a coordinated assistance response plan (CARP).