Tag Archives: make money

FMO’s Insurance Desk Now Offering Weekend Insurance!

FMO’s Weekend Insurance turns a bad weekend into a not-so-bad weekend :o)

Eastern West Fargo, Southeastern North Dakota Yes folks, you read it right! FM Observer (which shall be referred to as FMO, or The Company) has now directed our FMO Insurance Desk to offer our readers Weekend Insurance!

For a limited time, and for a limited time only, the FMO Insurance Desk will take in larger amounts of premium from you every month, and then pay you much smaller amounts of money if and when the weather totally ruins your weekend!

To those of you smart ones who select the No-Bullshit Upgrade: “It’s such a pity when the weekend turns shity” but at least you’ll be marginally compensated for it…but only if you have: FMO Weekend Insurance!

Jandro Gladstone: “I am a true believer in FMO’s Weekend Insurance, and I really like their No-Bullshit Upgrade, which is only $10 more per month!

So, just remember, if the weekend is a total loss (like this weekend), FMO’s Weekend Insurance might be just what you’re looking foralong with a free Bloody Mary to our first five customers!

FMO Insurance Desk’s Weekend Insurance: “When it rains, we’re your rainbow.” [Sorry, no pre-exisiting conditions allowed.]

Dr. Finance: Should I Buy Some Lottery Tickets For The Mega Jackpot?

When the lottery jackpot gets up to a billion dollars, Dr. Finance says it’s time to go All IN.

Jackpot, Nevada – Dear Dr. Finance: You’ve previously stated that gambling is a tax on the stupid. But would you say it’s OK to buy a lottery ticket when the jackpot gets up over a billion dollars? Thanks, Zephania Winther

Dear Zephania: Buying lottery tickets normally is something I would not recommend. Since the odds are so against you, any sort of gambling is definitely a tax on the stupid.

However, when the jackpots reach ridiculous levels, such as the Mega-Millions lottery game, it then becomes time to go all-in.

At this juncture, I would strongly recommend that you buy as many Mega-Millions lottery tickets as you can comfortably afford.

I myself am using the equity in my home to purchase as many tickets as I can between now and the time of the next drawing.

The chance to win a giant jackpot of $1.6 Billion rarely comes along, so, to answer your question: I would say it’s more than OK to give it a shot because someone has to eventually win it and it might just be you!

To be super proactive, you may want to have the phone numbers of a good accountant and attorney near by.

Dear Dr. Finance: Is This A Good Time To Buy Gold?

Dr. Finance has almost completely filled the FMO corporate break room with gold bars.

West Fargo, ND We recently received a question for our very own Dr. Finance from a Mr. Don Salberg.

Mr. Salberg writes: Dear Dr. Finance, Is this a good time to buy gold?

Dear Don: Yes it is! As the chief financial officer for the FM Observer Corporation, I have green-lighted the buying of gold bars for some time now.

If you buy on a regular basis like we have been doing, you will be able to dollar-cost-average your way into the gold market.

With gold at about $1,200 per ounce, this does seem to be a favorable time to purchase gold.

The FM Observer break room is now almost completely full of pallets of gold bars, and we plan on buying more until there is no more room.

Ironically, all the letters in Don Salberg can be electroplated to spell: Golden Bars!

To Show Respect, They’re Leaving Barbara Bush On The One Dollar Bill

First Lady Barbara Bush will happily remain on the one dollar bill until further notice.

Washington, DC – Out of respect for former First Lady Barbara Bush, the Treasury Department has instructed the Federal Reserve to keep her picture on the one dollar bill, as it has been for decades.

As sitting Treasury Secretary, Steven Mnuchin believes we need to stand up and keep honoring former First Lady Barbara Bush by leaving her picture on the dollar bill where she has gracefully been since the Reagan administration.

President Trump, who might have had something to do with this decision, agrees that leaving Barbara Bush on the dollar bill is the right thing to do, while adding: “Someday soon, I would like to see Melania on some of our money, and I think most would agree that would be a really great thing!”

No I’m Not Coming To Your Herbalife Party

Fargo, ND –  You’ve probably heard of this company called Herbalife before.  Either through your friends or your friends’ friends, and not by choice.  Herbalife is a multi-level marketing company and pyramid scheme.  They sell average, overpriced, nutrition/weight management/skin-care products.

How does it work?  To become a cult member you will need to first murder and sacrifice 10 people.  Just kidding!  You need to sign up under a sponsor.  Kind of the same thing.  If you’ve been graced with common sense, like myself, this is the first of many where your bullshit meter will go off.  A sponsor is someone who has already been accepted into the cult and will do whatever it takes to annoy the shit out of you until you yourself become a herbalife member under them and only under them.  The more members they have under themselves the more money they make.  Classic MLM bullshit.  If you don’t want to become a distributor, then they will spew copious amounts of bullshit out of their mouth as to why you should buy their shitty overpriced products.  This is high comedy.  They like to pass themselves off as nutritionists or experts on nutrition.  This is just great entertainment for the whole family so be sure to seem very interested when these rocks-for-brains start acting like they actually know what the hell they are talking about.

They try and sell you a dream, a lifestyle.  More classic MLM and Pyramid scheme bullshit.  What they will tell you is that you can make shit loads of money.  “If you sign up under me and buy more shit, you’ll be able to buy yourself a yacht filled with pet dinosaurs in no time!  It’s that great!”  Sorry numbnuts.  Come back to me in a year and let me know how well you’re doing and how much money you’re making.  Then take me out on your yacht and we can do herbalife things like the people in the picture below.  But, more then likely you don’t have a yacht and are still broke because herbalife is taking all your money.

Herbalife bullshit

“I do herbalife things from a boat!”

So you’ve murdered and sacrificed 10 people, sold yourself to the devil, finally gave in and signed up under your sponsor.  Now what?  Now it’s time to annoy the living shit out of everyone you know to either try and get them to buy shit from you or sign up under you.  Your mom, dad, sister, aunt, pet hamster, dog, great grandmother who is dead, everyone.  It is within your herbalife cult code of conduct to literally try and make everyone hate you.  Literally.  They probably won’t tell you, but they do.  They hate you.  After you’ve annoyed the living shit out of enough people, maybe one or two will cave and start buying your crap only because they want you to shut the hell up and don’t want to talk to you until you ‘place your next order.’

Throw parties!

Ok enough.  Enough with the herbalife ‘parties.’  It’s not a fucking party.  You want me and everyone else to come over and BUY SHIT.  “You don’t have to buy anything.”  Well no shit.  I don’t go to parties to buy shit.  I go to parties to do shots, chug 50 beers, and snort cocaine off tits.  That’s a god damn party.

You’re not a business owner or an entrepreneur

I keep seeing these cult members mention their ‘herbalife business’ and how they ‘started their own business’.  The main purpose of a business is to increase the wealth of its OWNER.  Meaning, the actual owner of HERBALIFE (not you) is making a ton of money.  You (herbalife cult member) are an employee.  A salseperson for the actual business owner.  You make the actual business owners money.  You are also a customer.  That’s right.  You’re their number one customer.

You are not a business owner and probably never will be so quit with your bullshit, ok?  Start an actual business and we’ll start taking you seriously.  Here’s an idea, “Hooker Tit Diner.”  A late night diner & drive-in.  If you actually start that then I’ll be your herbalife bitch, now and forever.