Tag Archives: mall shopping

Mall Santa Resigns After Multiple Accusations Of Groping

Santa is asking his attorney: “Since when did groping become so politically incorrect?” Santa’s also wondering: “Why doesn’t anyone want to come near me?”

Fargo, ND – One of the real fake Santas at a well-known local Fargo shopping mall has resigned amid numerous accusations of groping any women within a “reasonable groping distance”.

Some disgusted mothers and dejected helper-elves have filed complaints to the North Pole that Santa has been groping some of these adult women during official mall photos, and even during some of Santa’s own selfies and elfies.

Renta Santa, the company from whence the mall allegedly hired this Santa, has denied any legal culpability but did say that this particular Santa had once been a Minnesota state senator who had left the arena of politics due to some “inappropriate sexual behavior”.

A linguistics expert that we consulted with said that the term “Mall” will soon no longer be politically correct because it is homonymistically so very similar to the word “Maul”.

Terrible Socialite Diva Making Stop At West Acres


Kula RePaParker, demon shopmaster

Fargo, ND—The Observer has learned that Kula RePaParker, heiress to the vast RePaParker® line of stylish animal cosmetics, will be attempting to break the Guinness Book of World Records “most state malls shopped by one materialistic human in one year” record by making a slew of frivolous purchases in at least one shopping mall in all 50 states during 2014.

Her final stop will be next Monday, December 29th at West Acres Mall in Fargo. 

During an interview via her diamond-studded platinum-plated iPhone 6+, we caught up with Kula to get her take on what has been a wild year of shopaholism.

FMO: So…you like shopping?

Kula: I should have, like, went to North Derkota in, like, the summer or something. It’s, like, cold there now.

FMO: Yes, well, it’s cold in many places in the winter, not just North Dakota. You’ll need to stay warm somehow.

Kula: I like, have a fur coat made from, like, the interwoven hairs of, like, 2,000 virgin RePaParker® overseas sweatshop workers or whatever.

FMO: That’s lovely! What do you plan on buying when you get to West Acres Mall?

Kula: Like, do they have calf-leather boots or whatever? Mine are, like, 3 days old.

FMO: Maybe…only one way to find out! I’d check JC Penney…

Kula: JC who?

FMO: JC Penney. It’s a widely-known retail manufacturer…

Kula: Is there a Saks there or something?

FMO: Saks Fifth Avenue? No…the mall is on 13th avenue.

Kula: Well, like, um…where am I supposed to shop and junk??

FMO: There are at least two jewelers at West Acres. Maybe you could throw away your most useless 96-karat diamond ring and get a new one?

Kula: …

FMO: Okay. I’m sure they have some leather-bound garments at the Buckle.

Kula: …Ugh!

Is Kula the next Paris Hilton times a thousand? Watch for this beacon of materialism at West Acres Mall some time next Monday afternoon 🙁