Mars will be in good hands with Bernie Sanders as the president of Mars!
Mars, Milky Way – Shortly after suspending his 2020 presidential campaign, Bernie Sanders waved to everyone on Earth as he boarded his plane for Mars.
“This is a bittersweet moment. Bitter because Joe Biden looks to be the Democrat nominee for president. Sweet because I look forward to being the first president of Mars,” said Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders as he climbed aboard his plane which was being prepared for the long flight to Mars.
Pundits opined that Mars might be a good testing ground for some of the Bernie Sanders plans and programs that the seemingly radical Senator wanted to implement here on Earth.
In his final good-bye to his supporters, Bernie said: “I bid you all farewell, and if you want Medicare For All, please come visit us on Mars, where healthcare shall be a human right, along with free college, and free everything, for that matter.”
Mars, Milky Way – Even though scientists have now officially discovered life on Mars, they are admittedly a bit underwhelmed by the fact that it’s just some lichens.
However, top Mars lichenologist Dr. Charles Nim says: “We are lichen what we’re seeing with this Mars rover!”
Dr. Nim notes that it’s quite amazing that we’ve now found a mutualistic relationship of algae and fungi living and breathing on the Red Planet, but trying to communicate with it has so far been a challenge.
“These lichens are forming themselves into the shape of a human brain to supposedly better communicate with us,” the Nimster explains.
Using lichenometry, the orange lichen colony appears to be about 54 million years old but doesn’t look a day over 50 million years.
Going forward, Dr. Charles Nim shared this final thought: “We are lichen our chops to find our more about this life that we have discovered on Mars!”
As you might expect, all the letters in Charles Nim can re-arrange into: Mars Lichen!
Experts are wondering: If Mars has buildings, could it also have landlords and tenants?
Utopia Basin, Mars – After first discovering water, and then chocolate on Mars, NASA experts have now confirmed the existance of what appear to be buildings on the Red Planet.
NASA’s Beagle 3 has been sending back some amazing and surprising images since it landed just a few months ago.
“We were literally stunned to find actual buildings on Mars, some with what appear to be lights on inside them,” says Dr. Soni Flamer, who heads up NASA’s Look For Life program.
“These building-like structures that we are seeing on Planet Mars were perhaps never noticed before due to large sandstorms in the Utopia Basin area,” added Dr. Simon Rafel, who sometimes thinks he’s in charge.
Ironically, all of the letters in Soni Flamer and Simon Rafel can be re-arranged to spell: Life On Mars!
Fargo, ND—NASA’s Mars Rover, since its placement on the Red Planet decades ago, has been hard at work constructing the much-anticipated MARS OUTPOST interplanetary research and development facility.
The MARS OUTPOST, located smack dab in between a storm of red lightning and swirling alien dandruff space dust, has become the galaxy’s first spacetacular astrological science and research center. The Mars Rover built this monstrosity from the ground up using nuclear and solar-powered state-of-the-art engineering. Impressive!
Anyway, NASA (in conjunction with select media outlets across the nation) is preparing to send one lucky duck straight to Mars in a shuttle captained by R&B legend and current owner of Mars, Bruno Mars. The winner shall receive a first-hand look at the gorgeous new OUTPOST facility!!
The FM Observer will be coordinating an entry contest with its readers. All you have to do to win is complete a small 100-word essay in our comments section below explaining why you should Get Your Ass To Mars. Our staff will compile the results and select one lucky space cadet to be sent on a one-way 34,000,000-mile trip to the Red Planet.
Upon landing on Mars, cadets will eventually be greeted by the Mars Rover where there will be a photo opportunity (no flash photography) along with a guided tour of MARS OUTPOST. After that, you will help Rover do ferocious interstellar battle with Martians.
Must be 18 or older to win. Anyone named Scot is barred from entry (don’t even bother trying, you smug one-t’d bastard). Bring your own space suit (Cohaagen refuses to give his people air). FM Observer and its entities herein are absolved of any transportation casualties after winner has boarded ship. Winner must pass rigorous physical conditioning test prior to departure. No smoking on board spacecraft; vaping OK. Gluten-free rationing available by request. Winner is responsible for his/her own safe return to Earth. Offer valid in continental US only—sorry, Texas.
Fargo, ND – What a world we live in! The nerds over at NASA and people across the globe watched as the last 10 years of astrophysics engineering came to fruition early this morning with the landing of the Mars rover, “Curiosity”. The last 10 or so years was a marathon of software computations, physics formulas and jet propulsion engineering which resulted in the placement of Curiosity smack dab in the middle of the Mars landscape.
This has the homeless community outraged. The needy are wondering why the hell the Salvation Army building downtown cannot afford central air conditioning but meanwhile, millions of dollars of federal grant money is being fed to a program dedicated to a planet millions of miles away from where our real problems exist: Earth. Moorhead-area hobo Trevor Sands had this to say during a protest outside of the Moorhead planetarium:
“I’m sleepin’ outside under a heap of shit-covered blankets in the winter because I can’t get health insurance to buy pills that keep the goddamn demons out of me. How much you think puttin’ some damn 4-wheeler on the surface of Mars cost? Probably a lot more than a year’s supply of demon pills, brother. Change? Spare change??”
Sands then showed me the devil carving on his forearm he made using a plastic butter knife that he claimed the “Mars buggy demons” are responsible for. The Observer wishes the homeless best of luck getting demon pill grant money during these trying times.