Tag Archives: mexico

National Lutheran Church To Become Bird Sanctuary Denomination

Many Lutheran church sanctuaries will soon be filling up with birds.

Dulutheran, MN – The Angelical Lutheran Church Of America (ALCOA) announced that it will become the denomination that opens its sanctuary doors up to any and all types of birds.

Ms. Rose Grosbeak is the spokeswoman for ALCOA: “Each church sanctuary will be opened up as a safe-haven bird sanctuary for migrating birds who perhaps need temporary or permanent shelter.”

Ms. Grosbeak explains that architecturally, most Lutheran church sanctuaries have a lot of interior height which will help provide the birds ample room to fly around in, while using the offering plates up on the main alters as feeding stations.

Various Lutheran member groups will be making bird nests along with cute little painted bird houses for the many different types of birds that are expected to take advantage of the new Lutheran bird sanctuary pronouncement.

Loud Michael Bolton Music To Be Used At Southern Border To Dissuade Illegal Entries

Large banks of speakers blasting Michael Bolton songs to be used to minimize illegal immigration.

Rio Grande, TX – Border patrol enforcement officers will soon be using an effective new weapon in their fight against illegal immigration across the southern border of the United States.

Very loud Michael Bolton songs have proven quite successful in preventing lab animals from climbing over fences and walls.

U.S. Border Agents believe this new strategery will work well in preventing thousands of undocumented Democrats from entering our country illegally.

The following list of Michael Bolton songs will be played loudly from large banks of speakers all along the southern border since they have shown to be especially effective at driving people away:

When A Man Loves A Woman
If You Don’t Know Me By Now
How Am I Supposed To Live Without You
Said I Loved You But I Lied
How Can We Be Lovers
Can I Touch You There?
Sexual Healing
I’ll Never Love This Way Again
Ain’t Got Nothing If You Ain’t Got Love
I’m Your Puppet

President Trump Orders Up Some Hurricanes To Dissuade Caravan Of Illegals

Willa the Caravan make it to the USA despite President Trump’s pair of hurricanes?

Mexico City As part of Project Dissuasion, President Trump ordered up two hurricanes in an effort to prevent The Caravan from reaching the United States.

Working in close conjunction with the National Hurricane Center, President Trump requested that two new hurricanes be created to hit Mexico as a welcome present to those who would attempt to enter the U.S. illegally.

Algore OKed the request saying that he and President Trump made the deal involving a large purchase of Algore’s Climate Change Carbon Credits in exchange for the hurricanes.

Currently (and by design), both Hurricane Willa and Hurricane Vicente are on track to directly hit The Caravan before it reaches America.

President Trump while playing golf: If they decide to enter our country legally, instead of illegally, then we’ll cancel the two hurricanes, but for now we’ll just wait and see what happens.

New Game Show On Fox Called “Find Your Parents” To Be Hosted By Roseanne Barr

¿Eres mi mamá? ¿Eres mi papá?

Brownsville, TX – The Fox Channel believes it has a new hit game show called “Find Your Parents”.

Immigrant children who have recently been separated from their parent(s) while illegally crossing the southern U.S. border will have a chance to be reunited with their families in a fun game show setting.

The inimitable Roseanne Barr has agreed to host the show on Fox after her previous show on ABC got cancelled in the wake of her alleged rant of racist tweets on Twitter.

Roseanne: “Yeah, not only will I have a job again, but I can also help these little niños from Mexico find their mommies and daddies now that President Trump has allowed these families to get back together. So, this is going to be really great!”

Contest Winner Eats 81 Tacos In 15 Minutes

How many hard-shell tacos can you eat in 15 minutes?

Moorhead, MN – What do you do when you’re really hungry?

Well, during Moorhead’s recent Taco Eating Contest, a Moorhead man named Tomas Couch set a new record by consuming 81 hard-shell tacos in 15 minutes.

The previous record set last year by Audie Boelz was an astounding 77 hard-shell tacos in 15 minutes.

Moorhead originally began their annual Taco Eating Contest back in 1970 when the taco was first discovered in Mexico by a Moorhead tour group.

FMO: So, how did you feel after you ate 81 hard-shell tacos in 15 minutes?

Tomas Couch: I probably would’ve felt better if they would’ve been soft-shell tacos!

Ironically, all the letters in Tomas Couch can be re-arranged in 15 minutes to spell: Mucho Tacos!

Man Mails Himself To Vacation Destination In A Cardboard Box

There’s more than one way to go on vacation.

Box Elder, SD – Rather than pay exorbitant airfare prices for seats that are getting smaller by the day, one South Dakota man had a creative and relatively inexpensive way of getting himself to Puerto Vallarta.

Declan Morgans decided it would be ten times cheaper to mail himself to Mexico in a cardboard box rather than pay some airline to box him into tight seating not unlike sardines in a can.

Once he arrived at his destination and became unboxed, Declan simply did a few stretches and then headed to the nearest margarita for some automatic attitude adjustment.

Statistics show that more and more people are either mailing themselves or their kids and pets to destinations heretofore only traveled to by conventional modes of transportation.

What do you think about this? Would you travel in a cardboard box to distant lands? Do you think airlines passenger seats are becoming too small and too densely packed together? Does a margarita sound real good to you right about now?

President Trump Puts Pink Floyd In Charge Of Building The Wall

Pink Floyd hired by President Trump to be in charge of The Wall.

Pink Floyd hired by President Trump to be in charge of The Wall.

Wall, Texas – Wasting no time after his landslide victory, President Trump announced that he is putting Pink Floyd in charge of building The Wall.

President Trump: “Pink Floyd is going to be in charge of The Wall along our Southern border. It’s going to be great. It will be longer and greater than the Great Wall in China. And Mexico will pay for it.”

In other news, President Trump has asked retiring NFL football player HaHa Clinton-Dix to oversee the special prosecutor who will be in charge of putting Hillary in prism for her off-color remarks.

As the 70-year-old President Trump becomes the 45th president of the United States after running for his first elected office, we can expect to see a long list of celebrities moving to Canada, including: Barbara Streisand, Bryan Cranston, Whoopi Goldberg, Jon Stewart, and Rosie O’Donnell. 

Canada Building Wall To Keep Out Mericans And Mexicans

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The Walling Of Canada, eh?

Ottawa, Ontario – While the United States continues its never-ending debate about building a wall on its southern border, Canada is actually beginning to build a wall on its southern border.

Another northwestern wall is being built to divide Canada and Alaska.

Jan-Panko LaPlonk, the Canadian Grand Deputy Prime Minister of Border Security, says: “Well, we think it’s a good idea, eh?”

The Great Wall of Canada will run about 5,500 miles, equaling the length of the Great Wall of China.

The Great Wall of Canada will cross fields, forests, mountains, great lakes, highways, hockey arenas, and living rooms.

UPDATE: With the election of Donald Trump as the next US president, Canada is now working double-time to finish building the wall along their Southern border. They also say that the United States will pay for their wall.